S/O Parenting Decisions...(vent/long) Anyone Else Have This Issue??

OhioBobcat

I try my best to not judge what other people decide is best for their child, but it seems we have ILs who have judged us for some reasonable decisions we have made...

• Baby Wearing: DS has been what I would class as "high-needs" from day one, so this is one way we have kept him content.
  MIL was so worried when I told her I was planning on getting a Moby Wrap and constantly wanted to remind me of babies who suffocated in carriers or about women who fell down stairs and escalators at the mall and hurt the baby who was in the carrier. I think she also secretly felt like I never put him down enough...but I felt it was right at the end of the day.
• Breastfeeding: MIL totally supported this, but was confused when I continued after 6 mos and kept asking when I was going to give DS formula. Also SIL (in her best intentions) suggested I "cheat" one night when he was fussy and just give him a bit of his cousin's formula to top him up. Oh and apparently I'm making DS clingy by doing this and it's unfair to DH because it doesn't let him help.
  
• Baby-Led Weaning: EVERYONE thought DH and I were nuts! Oh my God he'll choke...or Certainly we'll have to spoon feed him eventually. Even recently MIL felt she needed to warn me about a boy they knew of when DH was in school who would ONLY eat with his hands at lunch and was made fun of a lot -- implying that BLW would only encourage DS to eat with his hands and I wouldn't know enough to introduce him to cutlery by the time he was a year old. (To their surprise...DS is almost 9 mos and eats like a champ....much better than his cousin who is now over a year)
  
• Extended-Rear-Facing: FIL thought I was too paranoid (although he didn't use those words) about even being involved in a frontal crash because of how "unlikely" it was to occur. He and MIL even insisted we'd have to pay DOUBLE for a FF/RF carseat (which isn't true) and that we should just get a FF for DS so his legs wouldn't be squished.
• Opposition to Daycare/Nursery: SIL just couldn't understand our decision to want to keep DS out of care until he was old enough to communicate if something was wrong. She even asked if it was because I was worried someone would sexually abuse him, and I explained that it was just in general, but that was part of it and she just kept saying she "didn't get that."

It's as if because my SIL had her LO first, if we don't make the same parenting decisions as them or if we offer a suggestion to an issue they might be having, we don't get taken seriously or we're not doing things right.

It has almost gotten to the point where DH wants to say something to them about it, but I always ask him to keep it between us because I'd rather keep the peace than to start a row and risk a falling out with family.

Anyone else deal with this in your families?

pmarie33

Sounds like they don't believe in anything attachment parenting related.

We don't care how anyone thinks about how we raise our daughter.  They had/are having/will have their turn.

AfterAll

I mean this in the nicest possible way... but who cares?  Raise your child the way you see fit... if someone has a differing opinion, listen to what they have to say, thank them for their concern and go back to doing what you were doing.  As long as you are confident that you are making the right decisions, don't sweat it.

It seems that your in laws want what is best for your child, but don't understand your decisions.... don't waste your breath trying to continually explain yourself, or getting upset that they don't get it... just remember that it comes from a place of love, and whether or not they understand makes little difference in the long run.

Think of it like you being a Democrat and them being Republican... you can co-exist peacefully, but the likelihood of you making them understand and agree with your stance is slim to none, so don't bother trying.

OhioBobcat

AfterAll:

I mean this in the nicest possible way... but who cares?  Raise your child the way you see fit... if someone has a differing opinion, listen to what they have to say, thank them for their concern and go back to doing what you were doing.  As long as you are confident that you are making the right decisions, don't sweat it.

It seems that your in laws want what is best for your child, but don't understand your decisions.... don't waste your breath trying to continually explain yourself, or getting upset that they don't get it... just remember that it comes from a place of love, and whether or not they understand makes little difference in the long run.

Think of it like you being a Democrat and them being Republican... you can co-exist peacefully, but the likelihood of you making them understand and agree with your stance is slim to none, so don't bother trying.

I totally get what you're saying...but it's like when is enough, enough? I care...and maybe I shouldn't, but I do. I don't get why our opinions and choices aren't valued as much or taken as seriously.

I understand our opinions are different...but it shouldn't mean that ours are less important.

I'm not saying I can't live my life because of their judgements, but rather I'm sharing my frustration on a forum to find others who have had this happen as well.

AimeeMW

My MIL is much more passive agressive than yours. My DH and I were raised VERY differently and have our own way of doing things. My family is somewhat supportive. ( My grandmother called me anal and obsessive, but supports our decisions). My ILs are not as supportive at all. If I leave DS with them, they will do whatever THEY feel is fine. (They gave my 6 mo baby chocolate ice cream). It has caused lots of tension between DH and I, and it is getting ti a point where they need to be told it is our way or the high way!!!

AfterAll

OhioBobcat:

AfterAll:

I mean this in the nicest possible way... but who cares?  Raise your child the way you see fit... if someone has a differing opinion, listen to what they have to say, thank them for their concern and go back to doing what you were doing.  As long as you are confident that you are making the right decisions, don't sweat it.

It seems that your in laws want what is best for your child, but don't understand your decisions.... don't waste your breath trying to continually explain yourself, or getting upset that they don't get it... just remember that it comes from a place of love, and whether or not they understand makes little difference in the long run.

Think of it like you being a Democrat and them being Republican... you can co-exist peacefully, but the likelihood of you making them understand and agree with your stance is slim to none, so don't bother trying.

I totally get what you're saying...but it's like when is enough, enough? I care...and maybe I shouldn't, but I do. I don't get why our opinions and choices aren't valued as much or taken as seriously.

I understand our opinions are different...but it shouldn't mean that ours are less important.

I'm not saying I can't live my life because of their judgements, but rather I'm sharing my frustration on a forum to find others who have had this happen as well.

I totally get it, and I was not trying to be rude at all... and now that you are explaining it further, it makes even more sense.  I can see how frustrating that must be.  Like I said before, just be confident that you are making the right decisions for your child, and let the rest roll off your back. 

Since this is going to be an ongoing bone of contention, maybe sit down with the ILs and let them know that you are upset by their constant questions.  Try to explain to them your philosophy and if they still don't get it, politely let them know that it is okay to agree to disagree on things, but you don't want to discuss this each and every time.

TexasLadyBug

In the end everyone is going to have their way of raising their child and they will most likely think their way is the best way. You really do just need to let it go and not worry so much about it. It does not seem like it is going to change and if you are not willing to stand up and tell your IL's that it bothers you then its up to you and your DH to firgure out a way to not care so much.

Its hard to believe that your IL's are the ONLY ones giving you non wanted advice or questioning your reasons for doing what you do. This entire post was about your IL's, could it be that because its your IL's you are taking it more personal?

It also seems that you yourself are just as guilty with thinking your way is better. "(To their surprise...DS is almost 9 mos and eats like a champ....much better than his cousin who is now over a year)"  You are comparing how you are raising your Lo with other family members.

Tonya_G

pmarie33:

Sounds like they don't believe in anything attachment parenting related.

We don't care how anyone thinks about how we raise our daughter.  They had/are having/will have their turn.

This. Just smile, nod, and move on.

pink.dutch.tulips

no, none of that

the only thing we're doing that someone MIGHT raise an eyebrow to is extended rear facing but everyone in my family (3 of the 4 of us had kids in a 5 month span) plans on rf until their kid hits the rf weight limit on their seat.

 

dragon_chica

My mom used to argue with me about what was best for my unborn child because she's a mother and knows more than I do.  (Granted she hadn't cared for a baby in 20+ years!)  I occasionally argued back but for the most part I just smiled and nodded.   But once they started watching her when I returned to work her nagging and "educating" me slowly stopped!

OhioBobcat

TexasLadyBug:

In the end everyone is going to have their way of raising their child and they will most likely think their way is the best way. You really do just need to let it go and not worry so much about it. It does not seem like it is going to change and if you are not willing to stand up and tell your IL's that it bothers you then its up to you and your DH to firgure out a way to not care so much.

Its hard to believe that your IL's are the ONLY ones giving you non wanted advice or questioning your reasons for doing what you do. This entire post was about your IL's, could it be that because its your IL's you are taking it more personal?

It also seems that you yourself are just as guilty with thinking your way is better. "(To their surprise...DS is almost 9 mos and eats like a champ....much better than his cousin who is now over a year)"  You are comparing how you are raising your Lo with other family members.

First of all, yes...it IS only my ILs -- but thanks for implying that I was being untruthful. We live the closest to them so they are the ones who we see the most. My family is all back in the US and they have known about every decision we've made and are in full support and don't question it. whether they agree with it or not.

And I'm glad you quoted me because my point in that was that they think that our decision to do BLW wasn't the best for our son and thought it would hold him back from learning to eat when in reality, it has done exactly the opposite. So you're incorrect in your assumption that I am "guilty" of the same judgments and that I'm saying my child is better. What I am saying is THEIR child is no better than mine because they made traditional decisions. My comparison was only to illustrate that our son is getting on just fine with the decision we have made.

umgrl

1st, every baby is different and every parent is different. Before I had LO, I didn't have a particular philosophy about how he'd be raised other that I knew I wanted to try to BF. I did some homework to become informed, but at the end of the day we do whatever feels right for DS to be happy & healthy. The best advice I've gotten is to follow your instinct.

I can relate tho, because FIL thinks he knows everything. Sometimes we explain why we do thing in a certain way, but now I just kinda blow off FIL's comments. Personally, I think you & your family should be proud that you try to raise your child in a manner that you can have such a strong bond.