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Adoption
silliestbunny
member
Best friends and sisters... 24 months and 16 months
Frustrated- DH vent
silliestbunny
member
in Adoption
I am frustrated w/DH....well, the whole adoption process.
Over our last nineteen months of waiting, our criteria has definitely become broader but my DH is still very conservative when we evaluate potential situations.
It seems like several times a week I see potential situations from referral services that he won't consider for various reasons. Right now, there's a situation that I am okay with (not ideal but it's still okay) but he is not in favor of it based on birth mom in jail. Out of all of the issues related to the case, I see jail as the least of our concerns...but he thinks it's a big deal.
Did you struggle with difference w/your partner? Any advice? Just be patient?
Best friends and sisters... 24 months and 16 monthsThis discussion has been closed.
Re: Frustrated- DH vent
What I've found is that any time my husband was dragging his feet about something it was because in reality he was scared. The more information I gave him helped. I was getting irritated that he wouldn't hurry up and fill out his part of paperwork or something and I talked to my friend and she said her husband did the exact same thing.
Ask him what about the jail part honestly concerns him? Drugs? Alcohol? Telling the child??
If a birth mother had an ideal life then she would be keeping the child...
My husband is also very conservative, although he has become more comfortable with more situations as we wait. I don't really have any advice, will be curious what others say but you are not alone on this one.
I know how frustrating it can be when you both aren't on the same page - especially after you have been waiting a long time. However, the one thing I kept telling myself is that adoption is a lifelong commitment. If one of us was hesitant, there was probably a good reason. Now that we have our DD, I can see the reason - she is perfect for our family. Had we made different choices earlier on, she wouldn't be with us.
Now that we are waiting for #2, we are going through it all again - second guessing ourselves when we turn down an opportunity to be shown. But, then we try to remember the peace we BOTH felt when we were told about DD's birthfamily. We pray that we will both feel confident moving forward when the right situation is presented to us.
I don't know if that helps at all, because believe me, I understand the frustration of a long wait and the desire to have a child now. I know that be patient isn't what you want to hear, but just keep believing that your child will find his/her way to you!
I think Alicia hit the nail on the head. Talking to him about why certain situations make him uncomfortable will give him a chance to explain his reasons and a chance for you to give him any information about those situations he might be missing. It's definitely true that misconceptions or fear of the unknown often lead us to shy away from specific situations, so it's good to know what, exactly, your husband is feeling.
One thing my husband and I agreed upon early on, though, is that neither of us would pressure the other about a particular situation. It would have been awful if one of us felt pressured into a situation with which we weren't completely comfortable with, and it could have wreaked havoc on our marriage and home life.
My strategy was always to flush out each situation as much as possible, find out where we each stood, discuss any unclear points, and then see where we each stood. I know it sounds cliche, but you will both know when the right situation is presented. You may not know right away that the child is your child, or how things will work out, but you will both know you are comfortable following it to the next step.
We just agreed up front that whomever was more conservative got to drive that particular issue, because we both needed to be comfortable with the situations that were presented.
Yes, I deal with the same isses. It's difficult, but I have to agree with most of what has already been said. You should both be comfortable with the match. Believe me, I know it's hard. I want a baby SO badly and we have turned down 4 potential matches. One of the things that we did is create something like a flowchart outlining some of the decisions that we have made so far, so that similar situations will be a little easier to deal with. If you could remove your strong desire to have that baby, do you think that your husband's concerns are valid?
My husband had a lot of concerns about medical records, so we finally just added that as a filter. Although this means that the process will take us a lot longer, I feel much better just knowing that this one thing that always made him uncomfortable (lack of records) will no longer be an issue.
Good luck!
DH has a lot of the same fears as we start to enter the adoption world. This is one reason he preferred going international. The thought of having a child in our home for 90+ days and a birth parent being able to change their mind just killed him. He knew that he couldn't deal with that, and even more so couldn't deal with seeing me go through that.
I think like PP have stated, adoptions is a life long choice, making sure you're adding the right family members are so important.
I know it stinks though- feel free to vent as much as you need to!
Talk it out.
DH and I did a lot of walking around the neighborhood when issues about tha adoption came up. We talked and I vented then DH would think on it and later we would discuss again. DH does not make decisions like I do and I had to respect that he took a little longer to decide what he wanted.