Lilithrose, you dropped something.

MrsVonKikabee

The responses were VERY nice. No need to DD.

Diagnosed w/ Endo, I want a baby, DH isn't ready... --> I need some perspective. I had surgery 2 months ago for a possible tumor/cyst on my ovary and it turned out to be Endometriosis. My OB says it will probably come back, and who knows what will happen (could lead to infertility, more cysts, more surgery, who knows!). I'm 26, DH is 28 (married 5 years), we both have solid careers, we're financially stable, we bought a big house with a big yard in a great neighborhood/school area. My thoughts: I want to start trying for a baby now while I'm still healthy and before the Endo returns. Everytime I say I want to start trying, my DH tells me he's not ready. I'm very understanding with him, but I feel like he'll never commit and say "yes" even though we've aligned our whole life up to this point to have a baby. If we wait a year, I may or may not be healthy, and there's no guarantee he'll be "ready" then either. Any thoughts?

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08-31-2010 at 8:10 PM

TotallyNot... Joined on 03-20-2009 114 Posts 2,388 Points --> --> Since I'm in teacher-mode, I'm feeling quite nice. I think you should examine yourself when you say: "I'm very understanding with him." Truthfully, you aren't. And I can say that because I've been you and I've been where you are, and I thought I was being understanding, too. But it's hard to be understanding when you want something so badly. What you THINK is understanding probably doesn't actually come off that way. You can't make him be ready. There is no guarantee that he'll be ready in a week, a month, a year or ever. The bottom line is that he has to be bought into this in order to make it work. Having the status-quo list of career, money and house doesn't automatically make someone comfortable with a life-changing decision. Your health is a sticky situation, so if you have expressed that in detail to him, I don't really see what else you can do. You wait until he's ready, and when he is ready, which could be any day, it'll be worth it.

Do you hear me? I'm talking to you, across the water, across the deep blue ocean

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08-31-2010 at 8:15 PM

GBCK Joined on 01-14-2005 10,278 Posts 204,974 Points --> --> It's a sucky place to be. But, until he's ready, you 2, as a couple, are not ready.  Until both of you are ready, you wait.  Becaues the default position should always be that a child comes into a relationship wanted by both people. I do think pinning down why one person feels 'not ready' is important--is it just scary, is it "I"m not really sure I want kids", is it 'things are so good, why would we change them', is it something completely different, etc etc, etc? is important. But be aware that going down that road opens a lot of wounds and can be scary too. And you're right--you have no promises that in 1, 3, 5, howevermany years, he'll become ready.  I can say that I was 'ready' 3 years before my husband was.  And it SUCKED.  a lot.  And I completely understand why it becomes a dealbreaker for people. But you need BOTH of you on board for this.

https://ladoofkitton.blogspot.com

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08-31-2010 at 8:23 PM

Lilithrose Joined on 11-02-2004 2 Posts 54 Points --> --> "TotallyNot"   -  You have valid points, but when I say "very understanding," and you say that I'm not, I don't think that's 100% fair. I believe I am very understanding with my husband, because we always talk about our issues, and I see where he is coming from. He doesn't want things to change in a way that is unpredictable for him. Every major life decision that we've made together has been the same way, from getting a cat to buying the house. He (like many people) doesn't like the idea of change, while the actual change itself is often very rewarding.       I'm sorry to have made it seem like I am trying to achieve the "status quo" of career, house, etc., which was not my intent. When we talked about where we would work and where we would live we very specifically talked about whether it was where we wanted to raise our children and if the career path would be able to support our future family. It's not as though the subject of children has never been broached; on the contrary it's played a hand in every major life decision thus far.      What I was really hoping for on this discussion board (and must not have made clear) was a perspective on how to reconcile myself with the possibility of having to wait longer, and perhaps alleviate or validate some of the concerns and fears that I have about my recent diagnosis. I am a worrier, and I had hoped for some support and encouragement, and perhaps some thoughtful suggestions on how to make it easier for me to wait if need be. Thank you for your comment.

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08-31-2010 at 8:26 PM

TotallyNot... Joined on 03-20-2009 114 Posts 2,388 Points --> --> OMG SERIOUSLY? I could not have BEEN more thoughtful. I guess that's what I get.

Do you hear me? I'm talking to you, across the water, across the deep blue ocean

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08-31-2010 at 8:30 PM

greenclown Joined on 08-11-2008 13,150 Posts 271,231 Points --> --> I'm not really sure how you can reconcile your fears or make it easier to wait because I haven't been in your shoes, but I can see why you're concerned about waiting. I think those fears are VERY valid, and I think you already know that this doesn't mean you can make your husband ready faster. Just keep the communication lines open. As for taking care of yourself emotionally, have you considered talking to a counselor about it? My grief counselor actually deals with a lot of stuff like this, and I think talking to someone could probably be very helpful.

"What the heart has once owned and had, it shall never lose." - Henry Ward Beecher

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08-31-2010 at 8:31 PM

***SweetPe... Joined on 02-28-2010 4,241 Posts 92,379 Points --> --> TotallyNot_Isha: OMG SERIOUSLY? I could not have BEEN more thoughtful. I guess that's what I get. For reals!  lol

Looks can be deceiving. Knotting/Nesting/Bumping since 2005

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08-31-2010 at 8:33 PM

GBCK Joined on 01-14-2005 10,278 Posts 204,974 Points --> --> I will add, a part of the 'what would it take for you to be ready' conversation is 'do you want kids period?  or is there a chance you'll NEVER be ready' And being prepared to deal w/ that--and be prepared that if the answer is 'bad', it's not an easy one to share.  In fact, it's a sucky one to share and a person in a relationship who feels that they've changed their minds/doesn't want kids/etc will often be pretty challenged to try to figure out HTH to tell the spouse this...

 

GBCK

I was just noticing this was missing :-)

TotallyNot_Isha

I'm never being nice again.

GBCK

I was being nice too.

WTF is up w/ being butthurt when people are nice?

And, really, I know whereof I speak.

TotallyNot_Isha

Agreed! After 24 months, DH is finally on board to TTC. But whatevs, we weren't supportive enough. :P

caffinated_tulip

What a stupid DD.

MrsVonKikabee

I don't know what she was looking for. Were we supposed to tell her to poke holes in the condoms?

I was all ready to reply with nice suggestions, too. 

N&G 5_26_07

Just read the DD - those were very well written responses! I think that you girls were very nice!

To Lilithrose: I think it may be easier for you if you had the conversations the others mentioned. Having some insight to why YH is not ready may make it easier to understand. If he does want kids, maybe he can tell you the timeline he has in mind. It may be helpful to know that how long it is going to be - a few months, a couple years... That may help you be more patient with him.