Parenting
Honest question, need help.
How, really just how, do I get my children out of my butt? OMG. They are all over me all the time when I'm home. Both my husband and I work full time jobs, they go to daycare from 6-6. They are attached to me at the hip otherwise.
They hardly want anything to do with DH, and he's a great dad.
It's about to put me in a white jacket and a padded room.
Jesse - mommy of Brooke 6/15/06 and Taylor 9/1/07
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Re: Honest question, need help.
We already share the tasks at night really. We do them all together. We do supper together - well, he cooks and I entertain the girls so they don't go in the kitchen. We bathe them together, and we put them to bed together.
It's kind of difficult right now for one person to do those things - doable obviously if one person weren't home for some reason, but we just prefer to do them together as it is less stressful that way, I guess.
My friends are widely unavailable.
And date nights are infrequent. We try, but our families already help out so much, it's hard to ask them for more time.
You dump them in daycare for 12 HOURS A DAY and then you're PISSED that they want to be with their MOMMY for an hour or two each night???
Hotdamn I'm glad you're not MY mom!
I am going to say the same as the above posters. Honestly, I would EXPECT to give them all of my attention in the evening them being in daycare all day. Do you both really work 12 hour days 5x a week, if not then shorten the daycare day. I would also aim for an 8 oclock bedtime, so you have some downtime after they go to bed. Also you and your DH should take turns doing bath and bedtime. You don't both need to do both. Take a minute to chill while he does bath or whatever.
You need to work it out and be more understanding. They are kids and you are their mom, what do you expect.
No, of course I understand that. We have no other options on the 12 hour days. I have an hour commute each way. I work from 8 to 4:30. So maybe it's slightly less that 12. I drop them off around 6:30 perhaps a tad earlier. Pick them up between 5:30 and 6. Because of traffic.
I just don't understand why they want so little to do with my husband when they spend just as little time with him.
And the weekends are just as tough. I am VERY tired, and just need a break really. I can't handle having two children trying to sit on my lap at once and fighting eachother. Or one of them crying and screaming because she wants me to get her dressed and put her in the car but I'm already doing that with the other one (and she won't let DH do it). Or them fighting over which one I'm going to dry off and lotion up and get dressed after the bath.
It is exhausting. So if they miss ME after all this time away, why not him too?
Oh geez, believe me, I'm aware of that. And I know how awful bad this must sound. It's just hard when they're both fighting over me. I don't know how to explain it.
After a day at work, to have them squabbling over who gets to sit on my lap is just too much. If my lap was big enough, they could both sit there fine, but it's not, and they're too heavy. So that just upsets them.
I guess it's more the fighting between them and the fact that it's about me that bothers me than anything. And that I can't help but think if they'd like more to be with DH we wouldn't be dealing with this.
How about setting aside some one on one cuddling time with them each day. Sounds like they are craving some mommy time. And you are the only one for that job!
Thanks for the suggestion, Grace.
We do snuggle a lot. I try, I honestly do.
I don't know - we went to visit a friend of mine and her family for the 4th of July, and after we came back, I was e-mailing with her commenting on something, and she did refer to my girls as little leeches (on me).
I guess it makes it harder that I suffer from migraines and have headaches a LOT. And yes, I am trying to do something about them and have been for years. The medicines make me tired, and just make the situation like this more difficult.
Sigh, I know I sound like I'm whining. I'm sorry. I'm just ready to cry because I do feel bad for my husband too because whey they cling to me so much and want so little to do with him he feels bad.
can you spend your commute mentally preparing for the onslaught? sometimes if I just mentally prepare myself it helps. Also maybe some play physical time would help. My kids like to play horsey where I pretend to be a horse and they take turns riding on my back.
penguingrrl - thank you for those suggestions. I am really really going to try. We are actually changing daycare soon, and he'll be able to take them rather than me. Hopefully that little bit more time with him will help as well.
Maybe they need some one-on-one time with daddy-- doing a fun activity to see that he can be just as fun as you!
Have him take them to the park, playground, arcade, ice cream etc. Then you get some down time, and they get to bond with him!
Oh no, grace, I liked the suggestion! I love to cuddle, actually. Taylor is my cuddler. Brooke, not so much. When it is just her and me, she prefers to tickle and jump and bounce and stuff. I almost have to force her to kiss and hug! Much less settle and cuddle, lol.
It's only when Taylor is already on my lap and cuddly that Brooke wants to do it. NATURALLY.
If they are "leeches" maybe they can do some little things themselves and be more self sufficient so you don't have to do every.little.thing.
Maybe have a daddy/daughter night and you can go somewhere outside of the house yourself and they can do an activity he plans or he can take them away from the house and you can have it all to yourself. My DH swears the kids act better for him when I'm not around because my two also want mommy.
"After a day at work, to have them squabbling over who gets to sit on my lap is just too much. If my lap was big enough, they could both sit there fine, but it's not, and they're too heavy. So that just upsets them."
O.M.G. Someone should seriously take those kids away from you and give them to a LOVING family who WANTS them. chill out. Cuddle them. If they don't want your husband, let him make dinner while you cuddle YOUR CHILDREN.
You sound like an awfully evil witch. Start saving for counseling - your kids are 100% definitely going to need a LOT of it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This post makes me sad. Seriously- if they are in daycare that long everyday of COURSE they want to spend every second "in your butt."
Honestly- how hard would it be to sit with them for an hour or two with books and stuff each night? A little undivided attention might help them to not feel the need to climb all over you. I get that you are venting but it sounds like you are beat when you get home and want some down time yourself without your kids.
Sad.
You deserve worse than a 1 star. Those poor daughters of yours. Not even 5 years old yet and spending practically 12 hours a day in daycare, and now you're moving them to a new one where they don't know anyone, and their own mommy can't be bothered to cuddle them??? So sad. Tragic, really.
Geez, you're a b*tch, Gibs. Have we ever discovered if you actually have any kids?
I love my girls, and they know I love them.
OMG, really?! This new daycare is going to be GOOD for them! It is in our hometown rather than 20 minutes away. There are kids from their current daycare who ALSO are switching, so they will in fact know people.
And now when they start kindergarten, they will be going to school with kids they knew at daycare instead of all new kids which would have been the case if we'd kept them at the current daycare.
We made this choice for their benefit.
I am doing the best that I can. I am just looking for ideas as to how to help with the clinginess. Obviously I can't do anything about the largest issue, and that breaks my heart. I would have to take a crazy large paycut in order to have less of a commute to make any bit of difference during the week, and we can't do that. I'd be making almost half what I do now. And DH is in HVAC and his hours aren't really set except that he starts at 7. He sometimes gets home later than I do.
I am TRYING.
I completely understand what you mean. I could have written this. I drop my kids off at the sitters at 6:30 and get them at 5:00. I'm lucky enough that my mom picks them up at 4:30 from time to time. DH get's them also if he gets home before me. My boys want my DH until they see mommy and then I'm all they want, it's hard to get things done when they are each clinging to a leg. I try to give them as much attention I can, let them help with dinner, do the dishes, take a little extra time in the bath playing while I relax beside them. it's rough when you work so far away from home, you miss your kids and can't wait to see them, but at the same time you are also exhausted. Hang in there :-) and try to remember, they miss their daddy too, but like a pp said you are their mommy for some reason most kids want mommy over daddy.
Actually no one suggested you change your hours or your commute. I think everyone is just suggesting you spend some time with your kids each night.
They obviously are really wanting that. Let them be clingy to you...they haven't seen you ALL day long and really, after dinner and baths how long do they have to be clingy? Like an hour? Maybe?
I?m usually a lurker here but I had to chime in on this one. We have a similar schedule ? DH and I both work 11 hr days 4 days a week and on those days it is crazy hectic (and we only have one DD). I can?t imagine doing it with two right now.
Some of the replies here are completely uncalled for. She can?t control her commute or her work schedule so saying her DDs are in daycare too long does nothing to help. If she?s anything like me, she already feels bad enough about their long days.
Penguingrrl had good advice - extra one-on-one time and lots of cuddles. Also, we?ve found that switching who cooks and who entertains helps shift DD?s focus from me and gives DH more play time to be a ?fun? dad. We also have a rule that if she?s fighting over something it gets taken away, so if they?re fighting to sit on your lap, no one can. Maybe they?ll learn to take turns.
Good luck!
I have found bedtime is much easier with DS if I give him undivided attention, read, cuddle, sing... If I don't? He needs a million things. Kiddos need that interaction
Maybe you could also prepare some meals a head of time on the weekends so your husband can help "entertain" while the food just reheats.
Do they participate in any independent play, or play with each other?
So what are you doing when your families are helping out so much?
OMG seriously this is the saddest post ever!
Yeah- that's a good solution. They miss their MOM. They want to be near her so let's punish them for that.
Awesome idea.
What about doing more structure at night, or plan something that the 3 of you can do? DD loves when I paint her fingers and toes. You could do 'beauty shop'. That way I get my nails painted, involve DD in an activity as well. And we end up talking about random stuff while we wait for our nails to dry.
Try to get some simple crafts together. Play Doh, coloring, etc. Something that is more structured so they aren't fighting for your lap.
And make your DH take them on Saturday to do something. DH took DD to Lowes and did the craft, she LOVED it. They'll soon love their time w/ DH and give you a break.
I agree w/ Z to mentally prepare yourself for the onslaught. I'd try less to fight it and embrace it more.
Christmas 2011
I doubt anyone is even paying any attention to this anymore, but ok. We have been making an effort.
I get home with the girls usually around 6pm or a little later. We try to eat dinner as soon as possible. I hate it though because there is so little time to make a decent meal, you know?
If it's not too hot outside, which it has been SO hot this summer, we'll go outside and play on the playset or with the neighbor's dog. After/during dinner, we'll watch a movie. Then bath and bed. We've extended bedtime anywhere from 30 to 60 minutes even though we have to wake them up before 6am, just so that we do have more time to spend with them.
Bed time is a usual routine of - me starting with DD1, him with DD2. We read them each a book, maybe two, comb hair if we had baths, etc., then switch. Do the same with the 2nd one. I put DD2 down, kiss hug, lights out. I end up going back in to DD1, do a whole kiss, hug, bounce jump routine, give her a book to look at whatever else she wants.
We are usually out of their rooms by 8:30 at the latest. Used to be 7:30 because they would be so cranky in the mornings, but they've gotten better.
Good lord this post got way out of hand.
Maybe she worded her post wrong? Maybe she would like to have the kids want her DH every once in a while? No one has had their child ONLY want them to do stuff for them? To play ONLY with them?
The OP was honest in saying what she is feeling. She didn't say she hasn't enjoyed it ever. Maybe it's been going on for a year? Maybe two? Maybe 6 months?
OP- take the ideas of the few posters that tried to help you. One on one time with you and your DH. They need a father daughter night.
We have 2 DC. I take one one night and DH takes the other for bedtime. We actually do it for a week. Then we swap. It lets them both have that one on one time in the evening with each of us. Then we do little things during the week and weekend alone. As simple as DH taking one of them to the hardware store alone.
Our families help when we have to work overtime, which is quite a bit. Or the weddings we've had this summer, which I have always come home early from.
No, we're not planning on any more children.
PMQ - that's a good idea, thank you. I'll have to get over my whole "they need to eat asap" way of thinking and try that.
I understand long days. I work 12.5hrs overnight... then add an hour either way for commute. it sucks. it's exhausting and when I get home I'm dead to the world (usually b/c I only got a short nap the day before).... but my kids need me. I will cuddle with them or cook breakfast with them before I go to nap. dh works long hours and doesn't even get to see them some days (which is why I work part time nights) . we do not have family anywhere near here to help us and we don't have dates often at all.. mainly just when we visit or family visits us. it's exhausting... but the one on one time really is helpful. daddy/daughter date night is what we call it when dd has a special time planned with her daddy. I will take one grocery shopping with me while the other stays with dh....
try to spend the time with them while you're doing what you need. if it's you need to take a bath and relax and they are clinging... put them in the tub with you. play. even adults need to play. it makes you a happy person. let them help you and dh cook... all of you together. instead of having to distract them like it's a chore, make cooking time a family time as well. I'm not saying don't have alone time.... b/c every parent needs it... but after a 12 hr day away, your kids need you more than you need alone time. try to make your commute your decompression time. if you take the train, read a book. if you drive, listen to a book or soothing music.. or hell fun music that pumps you up. that may put you in more of a mood to play.
it sounds to me you're exhausted and looking at parenting as more of a chore than a pleasure. I'm sure a number of moms have been to that place. it's exhausting sometimes. just take a step back and try to figure out how you can give them what they need without feeling like you're chained and resenting them.
GL