I just want to cry

crazyanimals

So, our little man was born July 25 at 30w 1 day. He was 2lbs 15oz has been in the NICU. He has been doing great, he is on all bottle feeds, but still bradys but self stim.  We talked to the doctor on Friday and the plan was for him to come home on Monday.  I couldn't have been more excited. Today, we go to visit him to find that he had a brady (with a feeding) and stayed low for 3-4 minutes, then needed vigorous stim. to get his HR back up.  Because that happened, he now has to stay until AT LEAST thursday.  I couldn't be more disappointed.  Now, what is really upsetting is I feel like had I been there, that wouldn't have happened.  I have learned the signs he gives before he will drop his HR and am able to correct them before they register on the monitor.  How can a nurse just let his HR stay that low for that long? Why couldn't they just  pull the bottle out of his mouth when they noticed him change?????

On top of that, breastfeeding him has not gone well at all.  I have tried for a week straight and he just doesn't get it.  I have had a LC twice help us with no progress.  He has no interest.  I am afraid because of the bottle feedings that he has become too lazy.  I have been pumping for 5 weeks now, religiously and still have a low supply.  My nipples are cracked and I just want to quit.  

I am just so frustrated.  I want my little boy home.  It is NOT natural to have a child and not be able to care for him, and comfort him.  I want to be a mommy and feel like nothing is working out.

Denesdia

I am sending a virtual hug your way!  I am so sorry for your frustration.  You really said it all by summarizing that this experience is not natural and you just want to be a mommy.  It really is that simple.  However, your little man needs to figure out this eating business and keep his heart rate where it needs to be so he can be safe at home with you very soon.  The NICU nurses do their best, but they will never do some things like a mom would do it.  I say "kudos" to you and your pumping efforts.  Every little bit helps, since your little guy might not have the energy to figure it out adequately at this gestational age.  This will work out, but in the mean time, take deep breaths and bring good energy to your little man at every visit.  You are in my thoughts. 

kamcfarlane

i am sooooo sorry. (((hugs)))

i promise - this will soon seem like a bad dream.

morganore

I know exactly how you feel...it's okay to cry, it might make you feel better to get it all out. Then try to get some rest and lift your head back up again. It will all be okay and soon your little bundle will be home with you and you don't ever have to be separated from him again if you don't want to! T&P and keep up the great work of being such a great mommy that you are!

Dani816

don't be hard on yourself about the breast feedings. my dr and one of the nurses were both like "honey, let's face it. neither of us breast fed our kids. if you want to great. if you don't, let it go!"

anyway, be happy he's able to eat from a bottle and go with it. it sounds like you are a great, loving and very attentive mom, and he just needs more time. he's gonna be great

FisMom

Hey mama, you are doing a great job. Your LO is still very young. DD was born at 31 weeks 2 days and weighed almost a pound more than your LO. She didn't come home until 38 weeks gestation. She wasn't even really taking bottles at 35 weeks, so your LO is doing great! I doubt he's be able to breastfeed right now anyway because of his age.

To boost your milk supply, are you pumping frequently for short periods of time? I'd suggest hiring an LC outside the hospital. I did not find the hospital ladies to be helpful at all. I hired a lady through my pedi's office after DD was discharged. She's helped me go from mostly bottles, to almost none. It's a lot of work, but DD only gets two bottles a day now, and that's by my choice because I still make more milk than she drinks, so I still have to pump. BTW DD is 4 weeks adjusted so I've been pumping for 13 weeks. She didn't really get the hang of it until last week - 3 weeks adjusted age.

Don't give up and cry all you want. He'll be home when he's ready and you will get to feel like a real mother.

At1stsight

I'm really sorry his homecoming was pushed back. Hang in there.

With respect to bfing, it takes a lot of time, patience, and perseverance to move from bottles to breast. It's something that they have to get 'old' enough for (to get their stamina up, usually at least to 40 weeks) and will need help learning how to do. Don't give up just yet if you really want to do it - it really can still happen!

ditto the PP about power pumping to increase supply. Pump for 10 min., 10 min. break, pump for 10 min., 10 min. break, etc. for one hour. Also, up your water intake. It was when I started drinking 80 oz of water per day that I felt a real difference in terms of my supply. GL!

jjilly7

I TOTALLY understand! same exact thing happened to me. Noah was to come home on a sunday, had a VERY low hr during a feed, they wouldn't think about him going home til weds. I told them, he doesn't drop w/ me, and if he looks like he is going to , i can stop it. I know his signs. So i stayed at the hospital all day tues, overnight, and all weds to prove that he fed well w/ me, and was ready to leave. He did not have one drop, and the dr said that if i was comfortable, she was, cause she knew i was a proactive mom. So he came home on that weds, and we have not had one problem w/ his hr rates since he has been home-it's been 4 weeks.

i was never intending on bfing; however, i did attempt to pump for 3 weeks, but, my supply never came in. So i understand your frustration. You do what you can, and I am sure you are doing all you can, try not to beat yourself up over it. My son was born at 30weeks 1 day as well, and well, our bodies weren't ready to do a lot, so if you're supply doesn't come in, don't beat yourself up...i know it is hard- but like the nurses said, i provded him w/ the collostrum, and that was the most important, and if i am beating myself up, and stressing, i won't do him any good once he is home.

 Good luck to you, and stay strong, it is tough, after 8 weeks of nicu life...i know. 

oh and as PP have said...at 35 weeks, that is still really good. My baby wasn't given a bottle until 35 week, had it taken away at 36.5 weeks cause he couldn't keep his HR up...and was given it back at 37 weeks, went home at 38. So, try to stay positive...35 weeks is the week that most babies are introduced to the bottle, so you're little one is doing good, tho i know it is frustrating!

lemen99

Hugs!!

Irishsapphire

My baby was born close to 31 weeks.  And he was in the hospital for 35 days.  Right before he came home, I decided to put him on Neosure because I was so tired of pumping.  And then a couple of weeks after he came home, he finally got it --latching.  So mostly he is bottle fed, but occasionally I will breastfeed him.  I looked at it this way--I gave it my best with pumping for the first couple of weeks of his life--I just needed my life back (I was going back to work) and I needed a cheaper option which was breastfeeding.  Everything worked out--we qualified for secondary incurance since he was in the hospital for over 30 days and we also qualified for a nutritional WIC program which gave us checks for groceries to encourage breastfeeding as well as checks for formula---this was a huge moneysaver in August having the checks for 10 cans of Neosure. 

I will be honest with you that I felt more like his mommy when he came home.  It is just a learning experience.  But I am glad that I asked the nurses all that I could while he was in the hospital as well. 

Irishsapphire

It looks like there is a WIC program in Ohio.  We actually qualified for WIC because we qualified for K01 Medicaid (secondary health insurance).  I found out about both through the social workers at the hospital. 

https://www.odh.ohio.gov/odhprograms/ns/wicn/wic1.aspx 

 

MrsBarkel2B

I don't know if this will help or not but I thought I'd share.  My DD didn't nurse very well at the beginning.  She would not stay awake to nurse or she just wouldn't want to eat.  Everyone told me to give up but I'm a stubborn Irish girl and just couldn't.  Finally, I went back to the hospital hysterical because I felt like a bad mom.  The nurse that actually helped me to deliver my DD gave me a hug and said DO NOT GIVE UP! She suggested pumping (I was so engorged by that point) and tease her with the bottle before putting her to the breast.  I did that for a few weeks and eventually she figured it out.  Maddie was exclusively breastfed until 13 months when the doctors made me stop due to complications with baby #2.

I hope this at least gives you some encouragement.  Don't give up hope just yet.  Keep trying! 

katicusj

I know exactly how you feel!!! I am in the same position right now with my baby.  She is still in the NICU with apnea issues and our breastfeeding issues are the same.  Just hang in there and cry as much as you want.  I truly believe that the BF'ing will work itself out and they will learn to do it.  We just have to hang in there.  PM me if you want to talk more.

LiebeMama

Hello there. I didn't have a preemie, but my baby was in the NICU for 50 days. I would get false hope that we would be going home sooner, then a setback would happen. I know that feeling, I really do. Keep strong, its so hard to go through the whole nicu experience. For cracked nipples, I have a suggestion. Try putting that lansoloh (sp?) cream on your nipple pads.