Special Needs
nursedevivo
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Everyone says "I don't care what I have...as long as it's healthy"
nursedevivo
member
I know everyone says this...I even said it.
But after I found out that my baby has health issues, I realized how little I understood those words. I wish I would have said "I don't care what I have, because he/she was made just for me."
Healthy or not, I'm thrilled, excited and a little scared.
And I love him with all my heart. Sometimes I think God gave me Avery because He knew my DH and I would love him and take care of him, no matter what.
Just a random thought...no other reason for the post.
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Re: Everyone says "I don't care what I have...as long as it's healthy"
I totally understand. I have a son who is 7 and has CP and I'm pregnant again. When everyone asks me what I want, I just say a healthy baby. I found out I'm having a boy, and I'm totally fine with that.
Ps, I love the name Avery for a boy.
Thanks! We love the name Avery too (obviously)...we took a long time to figure out our son's name!!
I don't know why I had this thought on my brain...just never really understood the weight of the words. I honestly don't believe anyone ever really thinks they will go into an ultrasound and find out their baby ISN'T healthy. And when it becomes a reality...it's surreal. But it's amazing how you learn to deal...we've accepted that our son may have issues when he's born and we're still so excited to meet him!
Sometimes I think that we had Hank because we weren't living the life that we were supposed to be living. I think life was too "fast" back before we had him. Now, things are slowed down big time, and we definitely appreciate the smaller things in life.
He's much better now, and things are working out to be quite "normal" by societal standards, but I'm not letting go of the lesson that he has taught us.
I said it, too, not really even thinking my child might actually not be healthy.
Now, I feel like his health challenges are part of what is making him who he is, and I love every bit of him. I don't want him to ever feel that I reject or dislike any part of who he is, so to me it's important that he sees a positive attitude from us about all the appointments, etc.
This is my goal, at least.
Yep, kinda my thoughts too...like, OH, if your baby ISN'T healthy then what? I guess thats why it sits heavy with me.
Max 4-08-08 and Michael 2-03-91 (19 years olds)
i've been thinking about this a lot lately too! back before my anatomy scan i posted on the 2nd tri board about not being able to wait to find out what i was having. i got completely TORN APART for neglecting to mention that (of course) i didn't care either way "as long as the baby is healthy". now to me, at the time, it wasn't necessary to say that because, clearly, every mother hopes her baby is healthy and that should go without saying. now i think back to the anatomy scan. she isn't healthy. but does that change anything? no. she's my baby.
i am tempted to post this on the 3rd tri board for all the people who ragged me out (but they do that to so many people they probably wouldn't even remember the original post) and ask them "is it MY fault she's not healthy becase i didn't specifically say 'as long as she's healthy'?"
but they are just SO not worth the time.
Someone just posted about this today on another message board I'm on. The phrase drives me nuts. I blogged two times about it in the past year:
https://divingintothewaves.blogspot.com/2009/09/long-as-they-healthy.html
https://divingintothewaves.blogspot.com/2010/08/he-is-there.html
i don't think it's wrong to hope for a healthy baby. we all hope for good things for our children, and that is why we are so shocked to learn otherwise.
the phrase that bugs me is when they mention a baby is perfect with "10 fingers and toes." my kid is perfect just the way he is, with 5 fingers. the annoying thing is that i've found that phrase printed all over baby stuff like picture frames and books. i won't buy it. i can't buy it. perfection is not defined by physical attributes, and having all the digits doesn't guarantee anything.
i like what auntie said, about hoping for a happy child. then again, if you say that you'll probably offend some people with grumpy/touchy babies. ::shrug::
I've thought a lot about that phrase too. It always kind of gets me when pregnant friends say that. I'd never say anything to them but I've seen one or two look sheepishly at my son after saying it. One actually added something like, 'and unhealthy works out too.' Lol, she meant well but geesh, what a thing to say to a toddler!
Funny - I have always wondered the same thing. When I was pregnant, I said I wanted a boy, and people would actually look at me in shock, or answer for me, "as long as it's healthy." When I hear people say this, I automatically ask (to myself), "And what if it isn't healthy? Would have have a preference then?"
Read your blogs...brought tears to my eyes. EXACTLY what I was referring to when I wrote this post.
I think you can definitely still have a boy/girl preference even though it's not your foremost concern.
Glad it was helpful.
I really don't want to come off wrong here, and I really don't want to offend anyone. Having said that, I would give anything to have Grant be healthy. I hate his disease. It isn't who he is, and does not define him in anyway. So for me, I can still say I do care that he isn't healthy. It sucks. While he is perfect, his body if far from it. I am ok separating the two.
I think it depends on how you define healthy. If it is healthy vs. sick and in constant pain, then I choose health.
I guess until you have an unhealthy child, you don't really know the full meaning of these words. And yes, people do just take for granted that the baby will most likely be healthy and it drives me nuts. I did nothing to deserve an unhealthy child.
But, I have to disagree on saying it's not right to wish for a healthy child. We all do. I have a child who was very unhealthy at birth due to a heart defect and I would have done anything (and I mean anything) to have my child be healthy. I am not wishing my son away...I would NEVER do that! But if I could have my same son minus the heart defect, I would choose that in a heartbeat. He had to endure things and continues to endure things that are simply not fair. I wish I could have gone through and continue to go through all the bad things for him. And, if and when we are expecting another child, I will pray more than ever for a healthy child.
I loved the part on your blog when people ask you if you'll try again for a girl. I have so many people say the same thing to me. I'm totally happy with having another boy, the gender of this baby is of least concern to me. My mother in law said that after I have this baby, maybe if I get pregnant again that baby will be a girl. Really? What logic is that?
People say the stupidest things.
Oh, I agree there is NOTHING wrong with wanting a healthy baby...like I said, I was one who said that and then found out that something was wrong with my son. I just never understood the weight of those words...never dreamed I'd go in for my ultrasound and they'd see something unusual.
I totally, completely agree. I know it's only partially related, but I can't stand the status that's been going around on FB about how special needs kids don't want a cure, just acceptance. Umm, WHAT? Acceptance is definitely needed, but we want a cure, too! I don't think there's anything "wrong" with Dean, and yet his body causes him to suffer in ways others don't. I would like for that to be gone.
Good post! I remember when I was pregnant with DS, one of my good friends was pregnant with her DD, and they were only 2 weeks apart. I had my "big" ultrasound (which turned out to be the smallest of them all!!!) 2 days before her, when we were told DS might have a heart defect. Well she called the day she found out she was having a girl crying, whining that she was sure it was a boy and she had no idea what she was going to do with a girl. I had to hang up. Here I am worried sick about my baby's most crucial organ, and she is worried about her kid not being "the kid she imagined". I just don't think people realize the weight of the other half of that phrase!
We had an OB tell us that we should really consider our options (her definition for terminate the pregnancy) at almost 26 weeks because of this belief that no parent could love an 'imperfect' child. When we found out that our son had health problems we never thought anything other than "okay, well whats the next step?", there was never any hesitation as to whether we loved him or not and the lengths we would go to for him. His health issues only escalated once he was born.
Now we don't have him at all and I am pregnant again.
I'll be first to say that I wanted to hear at the fetal echo and 20 week ultra sound last week that baby is healthy. And she is.
BUT...I would do it all over again for every child if it meant I got to have them in my life like we did our son. I had seven months with him to learn what the love a child is, even knowing that he might (and did) have a short life.
I agree that until you've walked in the path of a special needs family you can't truly wrap your head around the life.