Those adopting international

beachbum1

The previous post got me thinking (thanks so much for posting) For those of us looking at IA do you think all of your children will be IA or will you also adopt domestically?  My sister is adopted (from China) and there was 3 bio sisters.  I was talking to her the other day about our process (we are currently looking into Korea).  I asked her how it was growing up in our house....and she said "it was very hard, I always felt out of place."  This really hurt--not only for her, but for our future child.  I would never want a child to feel that way.   This really scares me about IA....what are your thoughts?

tunanuna

I adopted internationally, but from Russia.  Except for the different communication norms between the two countries she had no problem fitting in.  Obviously not the same type of situation that you are talking about due to the some racial make-up.

My next child will probably be adopted domestically.  The irony is that this hild may very well be of a different race.  In the area where I live there are many more mixed or AA children up for both infant adoption or adoption through foster care.  Am I somewhat concerned about how the child will feel and how we will make them as comfortable as possible?  Yes!  I am however more concerned about the life they would have should they not find a loving forever family no matter what that family's racial make-up.

In these days unless you live far away from a metro area your child will not be the only child from a mixed family, probably unlike your sister so many years ago.  Children are always, or almost always offerred to families of the same race first.  If they haven't found a home there then they are placed with a family from another race.  That child from Korea needs you as much as a child adopted domestically.  Actually if you were to look into Caucasion infant adoption, probably even more.

There are so many resources out there today, and so many families in similar situations.  I feel yours is a healthy, normal concern but not one that can't be overcome unless it would take too much of a toll on you.

Good luck with your decision.  It's never easy!

scatterbrainliz

I was adopted from Korea and my entire family was Caucasian and I always felt out of place.  It may also be hard for the adopted child to come into a family that already has biological children but I think the way you start integrating with your other children are crucial.  As long as you reaffirm your love to the child you adopted and show no favoritism, hopefully your child will never feel out of place again. 

I felt as if my mother didn't take the proper steps on transitioning my life from adoption and beyond.  She missed a lot of crucial steps as I'm now in the process of adopting from Korea as well and from reading the adoption books, I can prepare myself for the steps to make the transition a lot better and more healthy.

I feel like I'm a bit prepared as I've walked in the shoes of our future child but it's not like he/she may have the same feelings I did.

c1311

I'm sorry your sister had a hard time.  I can see why you are a bit worried about it. 

We are adopting from Korea and would consider domestic adoption down the road, although probably of a different-race or bi-racial child.  

My own two brothers are adopted from Korea and my sister and I are biologically related to my parents, so we grew up in a conspicuous family too.  The older of my two brothers was adopted at age 12 months and lived in a foster home in Korea prior to his adoption. He never had any issues with feeling out of place in our family and to this day has no interest in finding out anything about his biological family.  As he told my mom, 'you are my parents, I don't need anything else.'  That said, the younger of my brothers wasn't given up by his biological family until age 2 and spent a year in a Korean orphanage until my parents adopted him.  He had many problems fitting in, etc.  I think in his case much of his experiences were shaped by his early childhood and issues of neglect and abuse.  Those early years really do help shape who you become as an adult.

One of the things that drew us to the Korea program (besides my Korean brothers) was the fact that they foster the babies from the time they are a few weeks old.  I think this goes a long way in helping them form healthy bonds and attachments.   Still, what you describe is a concern to us, but hopefully by being open and living in a very multicultural area will help.

scatterbrainliz

I also wanted to add that I was adopted at the age of 6 and I was in an orphanage.  My case is unique as well as there was neglect but no abuse.  I have moved beyond my issues and come to realize my family is dysfunctional and overall unhealthy.

I really love the Korean program has foster families taking care of these children because it's a much better environment than an orphanage.  I was impressed how far along the program has become and made the decision factor much easier to choose that program.