Starting to discuss adoption...has anyone felt this way?
Hi ladies! DH and I have been talking about the possibility of starting the process of adopting our second child. I've always wanted to adopt but DH has some concerns. I don't know how to address his fears because I just don't understand them, so I was wondering if any of you or your SOs have felt the way he does in order that I might help him through it (or not) I hope this doesn't offend anyone in any way. He is being honest with his concern which I think is important...
He worries that he will not feel the same connection to an adopted child as he feels to our biological son. Is there anything I can say to help with this? Are there any books we can use to facilitate this discussion?
Thank you in advance for any advice you might have! Congratulations to those of you who have adopted and best of luck to those still on the journey!
Re: Starting to discuss adoption...has anyone felt this way?
I have two bio kids and we just adopted DD. I love her I can't say the same because it sometimes feel like more.
It is different. I can not explain it but I would lay my life down for all 3 of them and I try to provide for them the same. I guess my differences are that DS is 17 and DD1 is 16 and I have a very differnt life now than I had when they were small. I gave my bio kids all I had then and now and I give DD all I have now which is more than the bio kids had when they were small..... if that makes sense. I love them all for their special quaility.
My DH had to come to terms that adoption was the only way he would have a child to raise. DD thinks DH hung the moon and stars and he thinks she did it is great. His love for her was slow to come but I can see it and I am glad that he gets to have the chance to have pure true love from a child.
My DH was worried that he would always think of an adopted child as not his, we do not have any other children, so I'm not sure why he was ever worried about that.
I never worried about it for myself, my step dad raised me, he was my dad- so I have experience in loving someone like they are your own, even if there is no biological tie.
He finally got over it once we started our classes and he got really into the adoption journey. Now that we have DD- I have never worried about it- the minute he held her for the first time he was hooked, it just wasnt an issue.
I simply don't believe mere biology makes you love a child more. I love this child with every breath, every heartbeat, every mitochondria of my body...she couldn't be more mine if in fact I gave birth to her myself. If bio moms love their children more than I love my child, I fear for their hearts and minds, because loving someone that much would cause you to implode.
I'm not sure if I will be of help b/c DH and I only have our STBAD--no bios.
When we decided to foster/adopt DH had the same concerns as your DH--I really didn't. I pointed out that he loves his step dad as much as his bio dad and vice versa and I think that helped him put it into perspective. And now that we have DD neither one of us could ever imagine loving anyone as much! Like I said, we don't have bios, but I firmly believe that even if/when we do we would not love our DD any less--just don't believe it's possible.
Its hard to explain to someone who hasn't adopted the kind of love you feel for an adopted child. I have both a bio daughter and an adopted daughter and to me of course I love them equal but I love them different bc I CHOOSE to adopt her and I CHOOSE to love her. There is something about the beautiful sweetness of adopting that can only be described as a true miracle. When that sweet baby is placed in your arms its an overwhelming feeling of love and pain. Love for your child and pain for the situation which makes the emotions of adoption run DEEP.
Its a very real worry to people who are starting the process to be concerned about this but I can honestly say you will NOT feel any different in the depth of your love for you adopted child as you do your bio child. In fact sometimes I think I might over compensate in my outward expression of love for K.
Anyways thats just my two cents! I hope it helps...its hard to truly trust someones word for it but its the honest truth! GL to you sweetie!
"I have four children. Two are adopted. I forget which two. -Bob Constantine
"All for Love,' a Saviour prayed 'Abba Father have Your way. Though they know not what they do...Let the Cross draw men to You...."
We are still waiting, so i can't speak from experience. And.. DH and i faced infertility, so knowing that we wanted to be parents more than necessarily experience being pregnant certainly made us look at the process differently. Like irrb said, we CHOOSE to adopt. We could have remained childless, but couldn't imagine our lives that way.
Would he be into taking classes? Reading first hand stories? Also, the more DH talked to people about it, the more excited he got and the more comfortable with every aspect he felt.
I hope that helps!