how to tell a friend who is still TTC?

MrsSewall

I am 6 weeks 5 days pregnant.  My husband and I are very excited.  We have only told a few close family members so far.  One of my best friends from growing up and his wife have been TTC for about 3 years now.  I have no clue how to tell them we are pregnant!  They are already suspecting because the last 2 times we hung out I didn't drink. (They even asked another friend if they thought or knew if I was expecting.) 

 

Anyone have any tips on how to tell them or have you already lived through this?

JenWen3

We've had this discussion a few times on 1st tri and the April board, I think.

I'd suggest emailing or calling her. It gives her a chance for her to react how she wants. She'll be happy for you I'm sure, but her first reaction might be sadness for herself. I've been there.

Just tell her the facts and only any info when she asks. Do not EVER call her to complain about anything related to pregnancy. She won't want to hear it. She'd gladly take your morning sickness just to be pregnant.

Also - don't talk pregnancy all the time with her. In fact, maybe only if she asks. I think that's a pretty good rule for all friends, but especially ones with TTC struggles.

leneae10

JenWen3:

We've had this discussion a few times on 1st tri and the April board, I think.

I'd suggest emailing or calling her. It gives her a chance for her to react how she wants. She'll be happy for you I'm sure, but her first reaction might be sadness for herself. I've been there.

Just tell her the facts and only any info when she asks. Do not EVER call her to complain about anything related to pregnancy. She won't want to hear it. She'd gladly take your morning sickness just to be pregnant.

Also - don't talk pregnancy all the time with her. In fact, maybe only if she asks. I think that's a pretty good rule for all friends, but especially ones with TTC struggles.

This exactly.  Ditto for friends with losses.

nidan7

I know what you're going through, I'm sort of in that situation as well. Here I am on my 3rd pregnancy and my friend has been trying for a year and a half to get pregnant without success. She knows my ups and downs of my pregnancies, but I'm hesitant to tell her too soon again this time.

I would go with what JenWen said as well.

missamERICA

I had been TTC for 1 year and in that span of time 10..yes TEN people I knew conceived and gave birth. It was frustrating and devastating each time, especially when 4 of them were to young, unmarried, unsuspecting mothers, and 2 of them were my cousins!

There is no "right" way, though I would tell them privately. My cousin and I are very close and she told me privately and very early in her pregnancy because she knew that we had been trying. I thought it was nice of her, and I still could be happy for her, even though I was insanely jealous.

Congratulations to you though, and best of luck!

*kendrick*

I normally think email is terrible for tough news but this is one situation where it can be ok because it allows private processing.  Carefully think of your friends and what would be the best setting from what you know about them: email, phone, or one-on-one. A group setting is 100% out. Here is the email I wrote to some friends. Mine reflects our own IF and loss, but maybe it will guide you some. It was received very well.

Hi XXX and XXX,

I wanted to privately drop you and line and let you know that through our treatments at (mutual RE clinic with other couple) DH and I are expecting.

With the NT scan now behind us we have finally reached the point where (most of) our fear of another loss is gone, so we are starting to share.

For me, hearing such news from others was partially happy for them but mostly very hard to hear, so don't feel like I'm expecting any certain response from you. I just wanted to extend the courtesy of telling you in this way rather than (in social setting where we see each other) where it is hard to grab a private moment.

My heart is always with you both as you work toward expanding your family. You are such loving, amazing people and I am lucky to count you as friends.

- Me

luvdv8

JenWen3:

We've had this discussion a few times on 1st tri and the April board, I think.

I'd suggest emailing or calling her. It gives her a chance for her to react how she wants. She'll be happy for you I'm sure, but her first reaction might be sadness for herself. I've been there.

Just tell her the facts and only any info when she asks. Do not EVER call her to complain about anything related to pregnancy. She won't want to hear it. She'd gladly take your morning sickness just to be pregnant.

Also - don't talk pregnancy all the time with her. In fact, maybe only if she asks. I think that's a pretty good rule for all friends, but especially ones with TTC struggles.

 

All of this. And she gets to have a pity party if she wants to, so just know that it may be the route she chooses. Let her deal how she wants and take cues from her- people deal with their sadness in many different ways. It was very hard to have friends be pregnant while I was struggling with TTC but when my sister got pregnant I jumped at the chance to be as involved as I could and loved every minute of that pregnancy like it was my own.

truluv84

First Congrats!!!
Secondly, I know exactly what you are going through....we just had to tell my brother and Sister-inlaw who have beent trying to conceive for over a year. and its been very emotional for them.

What we did was had a little support by my mother and just told them...my heart was pounding out of my chest. She got teary eyed but put a smile on....she had to walk away but in the end was really happy for us. and she ended up getting a puppy! lol

But my advice is to be straight up and honest with them, face to face....and in my case, have a husband who will say it, when you start stuttering!

GOod Luck, I know its scary, but they WILL be happy for you!!

kdavide

I think a phone call is very considerate.  I agree with a previous post that it allows your friend to congratulate you but experience her emotions privately.

 It took my husband and I four years to get pregnant, and I have to say that it was personally devastating when friends and family members got pregnant.  I would certainlly never deny anyone else the happiness, but I still could not help feeling sad.  

JustOne

leneae10:

JenWen3:

We've had this discussion a few times on 1st tri and the April board, I think.

I'd suggest emailing or calling her. It gives her a chance for her to react how she wants. She'll be happy for you I'm sure, but her first reaction might be sadness for herself. I've been there.

Just tell her the facts and only any info when she asks. Do not EVER call her to complain about anything related to pregnancy. She won't want to hear it. She'd gladly take your morning sickness just to be pregnant.

Also - don't talk pregnancy all the time with her. In fact, maybe only if she asks. I think that's a pretty good rule for all friends, but especially ones with TTC struggles.

This exactly.  Ditto for friends with losses.

I completely agree.  It took us 2.5 years, and 2 losses.  When my BF got pregnant the first month she was trying, she was kind enough to call me.  That way I could be happy for her, but she did not see my tears.  And she did not bombard me with baby talk until I was ready.  It was hard enough to feel like it would never be my turn without have to be confronted with it constantly.

 

Also....  from some one who had a lot of trouble getting pg, thank you for thinking of her on this one.  She will be happy for you, it just may take a little for her to come to terms.

kmmihelic

This happened to me except I was on your friends side.................we had been trying for two years and experienced one loss when my best friend got pregnant with her baby girl just after two cycles.  I would be lying if I said I had mixed emotions, not for her but for myself.  She called me and I tell you it was better than face to face, because I'm sure my expression would have taken away some of her excitement.  Of course I am nothing but happy for her now but it takes a tole on your emotions.  She did everything right the entire nine months, she helped me through my next two losses, and in turn I could share in her joy since she is such a good a graceful friend.  It will all turn out to be ok.  

heatherk

If you can, tell them in person so that you can react to their reaction. I recently told a friend who has been TTC and could tell right away she was upset. A nice honest conversation followed, lots of hugs, a few tears. Best to be honest and sincere.

MrsSewall

Thanks everyone.  My friends are the only ones who I have been afraid to tell.  In the next few weeks we are telling more people.  All of your suggestions have been great!