bummed friend help

doggylovr

A good friend of mine was due on 8/5.  she planned on using a local birth center for a natural birth.  She went into labor on her own on early tuesday morning (5 days late). About 8 hours into labor the back labor was unbearable and so she was transferred to a local hospital and got an epi.  She then labored for awhile there and then pushed for 6 hours before resulting in a c/s.  She is bummed...She knows in her head that a healthy baby and mommy is all thats important but what I can do to help her lift her spirits, she feels like she let people down by having to have the c/s.  Not that it matters but FWIW the baby ended up being over 9lbs, obviously she and her DH are in love with their new son, but it was just hard for her....

 

I know there are many people who don't have birth according to "plan" any thoughts or nice words I can write on a card;_)... 

MrsTiara

Your poor friend!  Not for putting in a card, but you can refer her to ICAN (several other nesties are much more familiar with this than I am).  I think it's really, really important to acknowledge her loss and give her a place to grieve.  While, yes, a healthy baby is the most important outcome, there can also be a great sense of loss for not getting the natural birth that was planned for.

vtkgirl77

I am terrible with wording for cards so I can't offer any advice on that.

However, I can identify with a feeling of loss for not having things go the way she thought. I didn't have any pregnancy complications and the baby was head down at the end. Since I have wide hips, I thought she would just pop out with no problem and so did the doctor. I ended up with an emergency c-section because her shoulders could not fit through my pelvis. The idea of having to have a c-section never really occurred to me so it was hard for me to accept, especially due to the extended recovery.

DH and I said that from the beginning, the most important thing is that we get the baby out in the safest and healthiest way for both the baby and myself. In the end, that's what we did. If you talk to her, I think it would be good to let her know that even though it didn't go as planned, that she made the right decisions which protected her baby and herself and that she can feel good about that. Also, just letting her vent, share the story, and share her feelings is healing. So, even if you just listen and let her feelings be heard without judgement, sometimes that's the best thing you can do for a person.

Sounds like you are a great, understanding friend.

ETA: I just re-read your post about her feeling like she "let people down" so I just had to add one other thing. I struggled a lot with stopping breast feeding and I felt like other people, especially certain family members, may look down on me for that or feel like I let them down. One night at 3am when DD was about 6 weeks old, I had a come to Jesus moment where I said to myself, "I am the mother. This is me and DH's kid and we are going to make decisions and raise this child to the best of our abilities. I always try to take into account my, DH's and DD's needs and then make the best decision I can based on the circumstances at the moment. I don't owe anyone any apologies for that. If they want things to go a certain way, then they can raise their kids that way."

I think that for many new, first time moms, we have confidence issues about our decision making abilities and we can feel pressured by others to do things a certain way. What I learned from my breast-feeding experience is that I cannot continue to make decisions based on other people's feelings or the fear of letting people down for the rest of my life. So, that was the first decision that I made where I made a statement about what was best for me and my family and I haven't looked back.

So, I just tell this story because I think you can help to instill confidence in her that she did the best thing for her family and that she can't make her goal to worry about what other people think (because if she does, she'll be doing that for the next 20+ years). She did everything right and she can stand proud about that.

 

 

Artslvr

I can totally understand her disappointment.  I'd be pissed if I had to get a C section and wanted to go all natural.  I'm sure she's mostly putting pressure on herself, and I hope that these "other people" whom she thinks she let down don't really exist (otherwise her friends and family suck). 

Re: vtkendra's comparison to stopping BF-ing.  When I went to formula at 4 months with DD #1 and 6 months with DD #2, I was really, really disappointed with myself.  I probably even envisioned letting other people down (like the baby, or my husband, or other BF-ers of the world), but in reality I was my only critic.  In fact every single other person I spoke to when I was like "I'm so mad about this" basically said "you are a great mom!  You're doing what you need to do!  Don't worry!" etc. 

Hopefully your friend will hear that enough times from others and won't be so hard on herself.  And if people do give her grief about it, tell me who they are, and I'll go kick them in the shins personally.

ETA:  I wouldn't address her disappointment in a card, I'd do it verbally, but that's probably just me.

doggylovr

yeah thats a good point about BFding...bc i was in that boat too...DS would never latch and had to pump from the beginning...made it 6 months and tried to hide the formula under other things in my cart at the store....

 

DH is going to visit them in the hospital today, i cant bc of DS but I will see them when she gets home.

 

I am getting her a card and some clothes like i always do when friends have babies but not addressing the disappointment issue in it:-) 

2vthokies

I'm one of those people who planned to deliver med-free and ended up with a c-section after 30 hours of labor.  It was really hard at first for me to deal with it, but the truth is that I was the only one who was disappointed.  Everyone else, including my incredibly supportive DH, was just happy that DD was there and that I was healthy.  I think a lot of it, for me, is that I'm a planner and things went completely awry and it took me a while to accept it.  I took my frustruation at not having the birth I wanted and threw it in to breastfeeding (we had a lot of latch issues, reflux, food issues, etc.).  I tried to turn my sadness into something productive.  I think that trying to deal with it right after you deliver is incredibly difficult - too many hormones and emotions (and pain!) to properly deal with it.  She needs to give herself the space to grieve that the birth didn't go as planned, but she also needs to understand (at some point in the future) that birth is just the first step in parenthood.  There are going to be so many other oppotunities for joy and disappointment and part of being a parent is understanding that it's a journey.  I'm 36 weeks pregnant with #2 and I'm planning a VBAC.  One of my OBs gives me a 30% chance of succeeding (based on my past history) while the other two are completely and totally supportive.  I know this is what I want and I have refused to schedule a date for my c-section until it is absolutely necessary (I can go to 41 weeks).  I also know that if things don't go according to plan again, it's going to be okay.  DD#1 is 2 years old today and I have no regrets or difficult feelings towards her birth because the last two years have been so amazing.