help! NER: my dual membership in the mom and bridesmaid category
I posted about this awhile ago, but I think I left part of the story out.
Here goes.
My BFF who now lives in CA is getting married here in Missouri in October. It's about 2 hours from where we live. I'm in her wedding. The only other mom in the wedding is her sister and her daughter is 13 ... so I am the only bridesmaid with a young child/infant.
She does not want babies at the wedding/reception. Period. No exceptions.
I was not aware of this until very recently - seeing as I had incorrectly assumed my DD would be welcome because a) I am part of the bridal party, b) she is an infant, c) I (hopefully) will still be breastfeeding
So ... I will have to be gone away from my DD for an entire weekend when she is 13 months old. I am not okay with this. I am not ready to be away from her that long, and while the prospect of getting a full night of uninterrupted sleep seems like heaven right now, I just start welling up every time I think about being away from her that long. I expressed this passive-agressively in an email a couple days ago, and she didn't budge on me needing to bring DD. I told her my DH was going to have to stay home with her and she was like, why?! Can't you get a sitter? Can't he drive SEPARATELY on the day of the wedding and do a 4 hour round trip and leave her at home?
Um, no.
My parents are going to be out of town that weekend, and besides, DD is too much for them to take on for a weekend. DD has never been away from both of us for more than about 15 hours one night when they watched her when DH was super sick and I had to work.
DH is NOT going to drive separately on that long of a trip.
I am so frustrated with all of this.
I want to be a part of her wedding, but I am just not ready to be away from my daughter for that long. I'll do it, but I am so sad at the prospect.
Should I just shut up and be a good bridesmaid?
FWIW, DH says he is not going to come along with DD and hole up in a hotel for the weekend with her.
Re: help! NER: my dual membership in the mom and bridesmaid category
I would back out myself. The idea that kids are not allowed at something that is bringing together 2 people to MAKE a new family is just weird to me.
I would not change my parenting choices because of such an event.
i 100% understand your reasoning, your parenting style, etc. and just like you, if my infant/baby was not "allowed" at the wedding, then i sure as heck would not be in it. there's no way.
we got invited to a wedding this past spring and it was no kids allowed. i thought surely they'd make an exception for nursing babies but they did not. so we did not attend. your decision is much more difficult since you're in the wedding, but you shouldn't be forced into changing your parenting practices to suit your friend.
If this is your BFF I would go to the wedding and just make the trip as short as possible. Leave DH home with your LO. Backing out of the wedding party at this point certainly has the potential to damage that friendship. I'm sure she just doesn't "get it" if she is not a mommy (or a nursing mommy) herself.
That being said - we are in a similar situation with my BIL. DS is not invited to the wedding. So hubby (who is in the wedding) is going without me and LO.
GL!
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I would probably back out of the wedding, unless she allows your LO to come.
We were invited to a wedding a state away when my DS#1 was that age and I had to back out because we just couldn't make it work. My thought was that if she really wanted me there, she would let my child come, especially considering the distance.
Every wedding I've been in, I've made that a condition of agreeing to perform the duty.
I can't imagine that any of my good friends would ever deny me bringing one of my children, especially if I had outlined all of the reasons like you have already. She doesn't sound like a very good friend. If I were in your shoes and really didn't want to back out, I would do the trip in one day by myself (with another gf if I could find one to come.) or make DH hole up in a nice hotel with a pool and get him on board. (Although I also might give the friend an ultimatium of setting out the entire situation and if she can't allow your LO there, I would say I need to back out.)
GL!!! I hope it works out.
Big E (6) & Little E (2.5)
Wow. I totally sympathize. I was in my cousin's wedding this past May (when ds was about 6 months old). The wedding was across the country in California and my whole family was going to be there. I knew my cousin didn't want kids at the wedding, but I was thinking screaming toddlers or whatever... certainly didn't think it applied to my breastfeeding angel of an infant! Like a week before the wedding, my aunt calls me and tells me they have friends from church who would be watching any kids for the wedding party. Um. NO. I understand they are her friends and probably very trustworthy, but we had at that point only let family watch him and, plus, there was NO WAY I could be away from him for 12+ hours (we had hair appts at like 7 am and the wedding wasn't until 5 pm). It was crazy. I told my aunt that dh was coming w/ Quinn and would keep him away from the ceremony and away from the reception, but that I was going to be close by if my baby needed me.
That being said, I did leave my dd when she was just over a year for a few nights - with her grandparents and she had self weaned right around a year, so that wasn't an issue. But if you are not comfortable with it, don't do it - it won't be worth it if you can't enjoy yourself.
Is there not fun stuff your dh could do if he brought dd and you guys stayed in a hotel together? Maybe it could be a fun weekend away from home? Can you bribe him, LOL? Just a thought...
Good luck, whatever you decide - it will be the right thing if you listen to your gut.
I have to say I'm a bit surprised at all the responses so far. I'm sure I've solidified my entrance to the bad mom's club with many many things already, but I really don't see leaving your 13-month-old for 36 hours as that horrible. We're not talking about a 4-month-old infant nursling which is completely different.
At 13 months she'll be eating solid food and, if you want, drinking whole milk. While BM is still great for her it is not necessary and she can go a day without it (or of course get a sippy or 2 of pumped milk if you prefer). Yes, you'll miss her desperately and she will miss you, but you will both also enjoy the break and really enjoy the reunion.
Since your parents are out of town and you don't have anyone else you trust I think her suggestion of having your DH stay home with your DD and just drive down for the wedding is a good one. 2 hours each way isn't a horribly long drive and you have a couple months to find a sitter you like and trust. If you really don't want to be away from your DD for a night then talk to your friend and see if you can compromise. Maybe you drive home after the rehearsal dinner and get your hair and make-up done near you so you can see your daughter during the day and then you and DH drive to and from the wedding together.
I guess to me weighing a really important day in your BF's life that likely won't be repeated versus missing a few (admittedly precious) hours with your DD I would pick the wedding. Friends are really important and most likely one day she will have children and appreciate all the more what you did to be with her on this important day.
I will say that if she is being completely bratty and unreasonable about the whole thing I can see skipping it for that reason, but if it's only about your daughter I say go! I did leave DS for a weekend at 13 months to go to a wedding with DH and we all did great and it did not cause him to wean or otherwise harm him at all.
I was not aware of this until very recently - seeing as I had incorrectly assumed my DD would be welcome because a) I am part of the bridal party, b) she is an infant, c) I (hopefully) will still be breastfeeding
She didn't know until just recently. The bride should have made that clear when asking people to be apart of her wedding.
But thats just my 2 cents.
i don't understand why your DH can't come too... have a sitter arranged for the wedding and reception. since the bride does not want children at the reception, she or another person local to the wedding site should help find someone to watch your DD during the wedding day. if you're not OK with that, and your DH refuses to help out, then you should probably step down.
you're taking her opposing view to your incorrect assumptions personally. i'd suck it up for my BFF and spend some time apart from my kid to participate in a (hopefully) once in a lifetime event for the bride. It's her day, and it's not her fault that you haven't left your child alone before or that your DH is refusing to help.
ETA: 13 months old is not an infant, IMO. I think the "parenting style" comments are a bit dramatic. I've had to be apart from my baby for a few days here and there and i've never considered it to conflict with my parenting.
::::coming out of lurkerdom::::
This is in no way any help, but I can't contain it anymore! I've seen several posts about babies/young children not being allowed at weddings, and it blows my mind! I've been to tons of weddings in my lifetime, and never once has it been a rule that children were not welcome. I guess I just don't understand a culture where children are not welcome.
Good luck with your decision.
::::retreats to safety::::
My brother is getting married in October, DH and I are both in the wedding party, and children aren't allowed to the wedding. (Well, they made an "exception" for us, but I feel really awkward being the only one with a kid, especially since neither of us will be able to tend to her. Hello bro & fiance- they definitely don't *get it* yet.)
Anyways, the wedding is out of town (Austin), so everyone with kids will have to skip the wedding or leave the kids for the weekend. I found a place in Austin that is a new drop-in childcare center open late hours and negotiated a group rate for anyone coming to the wedding. At least people can travel in to town with their kids and just leave them during the actual wedding. Unfortunately DD is still too young for their services, so we're still trying to figure out how to handle it. She'll also be ready for bed as soon as the ceremony is over, and I'm not ditching my brother's wedding to go sit in a hotel room and watch tv while she sleeps.
My 2 cents- you can't really back out of the wedding. If leaving LO for the weekend is truly not an option, I think DH needs to step up here- if he supports the close relationship you and LO have, then he should be OK to travel with you and go play with baby while you're busy.