Blended Families
Options
Update and want your advice
We have temp custody of my SS while BM's homelife is being investigated.
Now, we have a new problem that DH and I don't know what to do about. He's done this before, but never this bad. When DD gets all the attention from my sister, parents, his parents, etc, SS will dance around, act out, beg and cry to hold DD because he absolutely cannot stand that she's getting the attention and he isn't. When we tell him to sit down and he can hold her in 5 minutes after so-and-so has had time, he whines and pitches a fit. How can we make him feel like we know he's there, we want to pay attention to him as well, but that THAT particular moment is for DD?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Update and want your advice
This isn't necessarily a BF issue; it is the issue that all children have when a new child comes into the picture. How old is SS again?
In short, you can't make him understand that until he is comfortable with his place in your lives, feels loved and secure...is no longer getting hose-showers in the garage. You know, the normal stuff. Treat him well, give him plenty of attention, and he should get over this stage on his own. He's been neglected for a long time, and he deserves to have his family's attention now.
Also, DD isn't going to know or care whether or not the attention is on her; she's an infant. So, no, this time isn't "for DD"...it's for you.
This! The kid is going through a lot and needs extra reassurance. Be patient.
I am glad you did it, and I hope that with time and patience you can truely accept him for who he is, and that he feels 100% welcome in your home. I cannot even begin to imagine how stressful this transition has been, and realy I do wish you the best.
Nothing "clicked" per se, we have been doing what we can when our budget allowed. It's not cheap to get an atty and go to court, etc. We've always accepted him for who he is, we just have tried to correct his bad behavior that BM has allowed in her home for so long. Our rules have never changed...he just will have to get used to not having free range and "running the show". Thanks for your kind words.
It IS a BF issue, IMO. Maybe some acting out is normal when a new sibling arrives, but I would imagine it's not "normal" to this extent. And before you ridicule me for expecting him not to, I will say that I don't share everything that goes on in our home with his outlandish behavior.
And to address the "hosing in the garage", you don't have to be so curt. My SS knows when he comes to our house he bathes. He can never remember the last bath he had when he does come over and understands he needs to bathe. He receives plenty of attention from DH and I and, hold onto your seat, he has wanted to live with us for some time now. Why you may ask?? He has always stated that he loves us, feels safe (because we don't leave him by himself in the middle of the night for a cigarette run) and wants to live with us. He's also been torn because he feels a sense of loyalty to BM despite the fact she's a total POS.
No, maybe DD won't know the difference, but we refuse to be like BM and give into what he wants, when he wants it and let him run our house. He will follow our rules and allow DD to have some attention. She deserves it regardless of her age. We won't "ignore" our child, grandchild, niece, etc (and yes, I am exaggerating a bit to prove my point) just because BM has always catered to his wants (NOT needs). It's a huge injustice that he thinks life is all about him and that he should get all that he wants. We will change that in a loving, caring and nurturing fashion and do the very best we can to make sure he turns into a respectable young man. And all of this will be done age appropriately.
He hasn't been with you that long, so please give him time to adjust, and know that his actions are normal for his situation. Would I say that if this was a traditional situation and a 10yo was behaving that way? No, I would not, bc it would not be normal. He is doing it because he needs reassurance that he won't be forgotten, and while it may be highly irritating, as I am sure that it is, he needs that attention too. Hopefully, he is getting lots of one on one time with his Dad, and with you. He needs it. Is he in any type of counseling? If not, it probably would not be a bad idea. I don't know the full story here, and I really don't think that there is anything going on other than normal adjustment, but change is very difficult, and it can be even more difficult for a child.
You raise some good points, thanks.
And yes, we are putting him in counseling. I've said all along that that's one thing I can do to help him work through everything.
I really do wish you and your family the best. I hope that this works out for all involved, and I hope that you can stick around and feel like you can ask for advice. It won't always be what you want to hear, or pleasant for that matter, but it will be honest, and most likely very helpful. I know it has been for me, and I too have been flamed on more than one occasion.