Hi ladies, I remember reading a post like this last year and thought it was helpful, so I hope it helps some of you.
One year ago today my daughter Ava was stillborn at 32w1d. We had found out on July 26 that her heart had stopped when I went to the hospital due to lack of movement. It was the single most devastating moment of my life, hearing that news, followed closely by seeing her face for the first time and knowing she would never see us. We never got a conclusive answer about why she died, but it was most likely due to a stricture in her cord. I was induced and 4 days later she made her appearance into the world. We got to hold her and a very kind nurse took some wonderful photos for us. We had her body creamated and buried her ashes in our backyard, in a little area we made for her with a pink dogwood tree, 2 pink hydrangeas, boxwoods, and a lambs-ear border.
I never thought I would get through losing her. I was so wracked with guilt for so long, and no one could convince me that it wasn't my fault. I went to doctor after doctor trying to find a reason, but in the end found nothing that made it easier. I was desperate to get pregnant again and each month of trying with no success was that much harder. I missed her so much and at the same time wanted to move on so badly- it almost felt like I had two personalities at times.
By December I started to feel almost like myself again a little. I had been going through the motions of acting "normal" for months and I think it helped people learn how to deal with me again. It was soon after Christmas that I learned I was pregnant again with the baby I am carrying now. I can't say that it made everything better, but I started feeling like I could finally breathe again, and everything seemed so much clearer.
This pregnancy has been stressful but I am optimistic and so hopeful. My baby boy is due within several days of when Ava was, but I'm being induced early this time to avoid any complications. I know that what we went through has made my husband and I a stronger couple, better people, and will make us better parents for this baby and our future children. I thank Ava all the time for making me the person I am today, because her short time on earth truly made my life more meaningful in so many ways.
To celebrate her life today we are going to visit the local Angel of Hope statue, where her name was engraved last fall, and will bring her flowers there. We've been feeling lately like we don't want her to be buried outside anymore, so I got a wooden box that I lined with white satin and ribbon, and we'll be bringing her ashes in today to put in the box with her gown and blanket and other things from the hospital, to be in our house with us. I know she is watching over us and keeping her little brother safe and sound.
I hope that no matter what you are feeling right now, you know that you are strong, and you will get through this. I never thought I would be strong enough to do it, but here I am, and I'm ok. You will be too. Please pm me anytime if you want to talk. (((Big huge hugs))) to all of you beautiful ladies!