My daughter was stillborn one year ago today (long & ticker) — The Bump
Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss

My daughter was stillborn one year ago today (long & ticker)

Hi ladies, I remember reading a post like this last year and thought it was helpful, so I hope it helps some of you.

One year ago today my daughter Ava was stillborn at 32w1d. We had found out on July 26 that her heart had stopped when I went to the hospital due to lack of movement. It was the single most devastating moment of my life, hearing that news, followed closely by seeing her face for the first time and knowing she would never see us. We never got a conclusive answer about why she died, but it was most likely due to a stricture in her cord. I was induced and 4 days later she made her appearance into the world. We got to hold her and a very kind nurse took some wonderful photos for us. We had her body creamated and buried her ashes in our backyard, in a little area we made for her with a pink dogwood tree, 2 pink hydrangeas, boxwoods, and a lambs-ear border.

I never thought I would get through losing her. I was so wracked with guilt for so long, and no one could convince me that it wasn't my fault. I went to doctor after doctor trying to find a reason, but in the end found nothing that made it easier. I was desperate to get pregnant again and each month of trying with no success was that much harder. I missed her so much and at the same time wanted to move on so badly- it almost felt like I had two personalities at times.

By December I started to feel almost like myself again a little. I had been going through the motions of acting "normal" for months and I think it helped people learn how to deal with me again. It was soon after Christmas that I learned I was pregnant again with the baby I am carrying now. I can't say that it made everything better, but I started feeling like I could finally breathe again, and everything seemed so much clearer.

This pregnancy has been stressful but I am optimistic and so hopeful. My baby boy is due within several days of when Ava was, but I'm being induced early this time to avoid any complications. I know that what we went through has made my husband and I a stronger couple, better people, and will make us better parents for this baby and our future children. I thank Ava all the time for making me the person I am today, because her short time on earth truly made my life more meaningful in so many ways.

To celebrate her life today we are going to visit the local Angel of Hope statue, where her name was engraved last fall, and will bring her flowers there. We've been feeling lately like we don't want her to be buried outside anymore, so I got a wooden box that I lined with white satin and ribbon, and we'll be bringing her ashes in today to put in the box with her gown and blanket and other things from the hospital, to be in our house with us. I know she is watching over us and keeping her little brother safe and sound.

I hope that no matter what you are feeling right now, you know that you are strong, and you will get through this. I never thought I would be strong enough to do it, but here I am, and I'm ok. You will be too. Please pm me anytime if you want to talk. (((Big huge hugs))) to all of you beautiful ladies!

BFP #1- 1/16/09- Baby Ava stillborn at 32 weeks, possible cord accident, 7/30/09
BFP #2- 1/5/10- Baby Jack born at 37w2d, 6lbs 13 oz, 8/24/10
BFP #3- 7/30/11- Baby Boy Due April 3, 2012
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Re: My daughter was stillborn one year ago today (long & ticker)

  • I just wanted to thank you for taking the time in posting this. I love to see others who have been through what I/we have come out on the other end. Some days I feel like my life will never get better, but stories like yours give me hope. Congratulations on your little boy and hugs to you and your baby girl.
    6/28/10: Lost our sweet baby Addyston at 18wk 1day to pPROM 7/24/11: Michael William born at 24wk 2d due to IC after an emergent cerclage at 18wks, 4wk home BR and 2 weeks hospital BR. Grow strong our little Miracle! 9/17/11: Michael joined his sister in heaven after 8 amazing weeks with us on earth. He fought a very hard fight but NEC was too much for him in the end. Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers Lilypie Pregnancy tickers
  • I was just thinking about you this morning. I am so glad to see you are in a good place today. Thanks for posting, and ((hugs)).
    BFP #1 08-21-2009
    Miscarriage at 12 wks 10-19-09
    BFP #2 03-23-10
    R.J.~Born Still due to pPROM at 21 Weeks~07/19/2010
    ..The little boy made for me in the stars.
    BFP # 3 11-15-2010~
    Emergent Cerclage placed at 18wks6days..
    R.A Born Screaming!! 07/10/11
    [URL=http://alterna-tickers.com][IMG]http://alterna-tickers.com/tickers/generated_tickers/1/1c3xldhv2.png[/IMG][/URL]
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  • Thanks so much for this post. It almost made me cry to read your story, but I really appreciate it. I too, really want to get pregnant again as soon as possible and I hope we have success like you.
    Lilypie First Birthday tickers
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    BFP 1: 3/19/10 Loss: 7/9/10
    BFP 2: 12/28/10
    My Blog: Losing Sylvia
  • Thank you for posting this! 
    Hi, I'm Amanda :)

    Remembering Evelyn and raising Bailey
    Evelyn Born at 24wks 6days on May 22, 2010 due to pre-e Passed away May 25, 2010

    BFP# 2 Delivered 6wks early due to preeclampsia
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  • Thank you so much for sharing that with us.  It gives me hope to hear stories like yours. I am sorry that you lost your daughter. Congratulations on this pregnancy too!
    [IMG]http://i860.photobucket.com/albums/ab162/penny0916jon/480-1.jpg[/IMG]


    Our precious angel Ella Christine 5/10/10-5/11/10

    20 precious hours-forever in our hearts

    Born with anencephaly


    <a href="http://www.ourangelella.blogspot.com" mce_href="http://www.ourangelella.blogspot.com">Our Angel Ella Blog</a>






    Second Angel lost on 12/21/10 (missed miscarriage at 7 weeks 6 days)






    Elijah, born 11/11/11- Our little miracle



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  • Beautiful story... Thank you so much for sharing... Bless you and your family in the birth of your little boy... and know your Ava is watching from above
    BFP #1 04/05/10 EDD 12/11/10 Missed M/C 7w found out at 12w5d You're so missed LO BFP #2 11/27/10 EDD 08/07/11.. Diagnosed with IC 03/17/11 Cerclage put in place 03/21/11 Madilynn Mae born 7/26/11
  • Thanks for taking the time to tell your story and give us the hope that we all need.  You are very strong and I wish you all the joy life has to offer with the new addition to your family. 
    image Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Every night I prayed for you. Then when you were in my belly, I prayed harder. Now that you're in my arms, I pray even harder.
  • Thank you for sharing your story. I am incrediably lucky to share a birthday with your beautiful angel.

    Congrats on your new pregnancy.

  • ((hugs))
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  • Thanks so much for posting this and thinking of us! It sounds like you're doing wonderful things to remember Ava today. I'm so glad you're doing well, and congratulations on your little boy :)

    Lilypie Pregnancy tickers
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    click the button above to read my blog!
    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
  • You are an amazing woman.  I am so, so sorry you had to travel the horrible journey.  [[hugs]]
  • Thank you so much for sharing!  I hope that yesterday was peaceful.
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