NBR--Just need a hug...

MWiley0225

My husband and I have had alot of financial difficulty. There alot of fighting lately.He is 100% blaiming me even though it took both of us and most of it is due to medical that was unexpected. Well he just keeps yelling at me and I dont know what to do. I was already stressed being a fulltime employee. I work 40hrs a week,1 hr lunch every day with a 1 hr commute each way. So am gone alot. Well he works a different shift than me so When I am not working I am a mom of 3 by myself. Not complaining but I do that 6 days a week. So trying to keep up w/them, house, work ect is alot. I am tired of fighting w/him. Quite frankly I dont have the energy to waste on it. I really just want him to hug and love me plus discuss where we are and how to correct w/o him just yelling and expecting to pay everything in full now. Obviously if we could afford it we wouldnt be in the bind. Any suggestions

FutureGosnell

(HUGS) Money issues can be tough. Have you considered counseling? I only suggest it because I have watched my parents struggle and argue about money for years.

Also if you need money advice the ladies over at Money Matters on the Nest are great at helping people set up budgets and finding "extra" money in those budgets to help pay off debts.

sparky88

Have you told him that you really need him to hug/love you instead of yelling & fighting? 

 

jetgrrrl

I second the poster who asks if you have told him you need love & hugs.

I will say this, it usually takes two people to have a fight. It's very hard not to lose your cool once you start to lose it. Can you, at least for now, try to be the bigger person and remain calm when you talk about money?

Also, do you have a budget? If money is tight, it can sometimes be helpful to see exactly where it's going - it's harder to argue "yes we do have money for this/no we don't" if it's very clear where the money is going. It's hard to imagine a family whose budget wouldn't be extremely tight with three kids, especially if they are all in day care.

There was a REALLY good column in the Wall Street Journal about fighting this week. This sidebar, about how to discuss a disagreement without fighting, was particularly good, I thought:

https://blogs.wsj.com/juggle/2010/07/26/to-fight-right-have-a-couples-meeting/

DH and I are planning to try this, as we have some really difficult issues we are dealing with right now, too.

Also, this is random - can you eliminate your 1-hour lunch hour if you eat at your desk? If you feel you need the break then by all means take it, but I wonder if it could give you a later start time/earlier departure time if you didn't.

MWiley0225

Unfortunatly they will not allow me to not takwe a lunch. I do also Breast pump 3 times at work and one of them longer is during my lunch. Ty for the site we will try the discussion that way. I normally do not yell back and at this point am lucky if even lets me say 2 words. More he is yelling a lecture at me. Then later After he has cooled I go back to talk to him which he then just gets angry again. I have also told him I need hugs and I love yous and he told me he just cant right now. We have known each other since I was 10 and I am now almost 29. We have been together wexclusivly for 10yrs. I love him and know he loves me but I think like everyone i like to see/hear it too. And he just is not listening wants it all paid now and for me to let garnishments happen so everything is paid now even though we can not afford all now, if he wouldve let me set pymts up we would have been fine.

Alibean

Do you think you could try writing him a letter explaining that you understand why he is upset but it is making the situation worse that you feel like you aren't able to come together to work out a solution?  Honestly, what's done is done and you need to look at your budget and figure out a way to deal with it.  Explain to him in the letter how badly the yelling and lecturing makes you feel.  Whether or not you did something wrong, he needs to know the yelling is not constructive and he's got to figure out a way to deal w/his anger.