Need help with this decision about lost twin
Just a warning some of this may be TMI. I have a unique situation in that I had a twin pregnancy and lost one at 18 weeks. I of course couldn't have D&C so I have carried both babies the whole way. I have two things that I am trying to decide:
1. Should we name the lost baby? I know many people who have had traditional miscarriages and none of them seem to have named their baby that I am aware of.
2. Should we "do something" with the little girl we lost? I have been told that many people who have losses later in pregnancy keep the remains for cremation/burial. However, since I have had to carry the baby through the pregnancy, the tissue has broken down over time and there really isn't anything left there anymore except the placenta that we can see on u/s. My family is kind of pressuring us to "do something" but I feel like it is kind of silly. I still have my first couple u/s pictures to remember her by.
Anyways, anyone have opinions/suggestions/regrets on how they handled a similar situation?
Re: Need help with this decision about lost twin
It's a hard decision. We lost our second baby boy at 21 weeks of pregnancy. I had a D&E and didn't meet him but we chose to name him and had his remains cremated. At first I really didn't want to do any of that thinking it would be harder on me to have an urn with his ashes, etc. but it really helped me with the grieving process. I can refer to him by name and I feel like I did everything I could to still respect and honor him.
Good luck with your decision.
I'm sorry for your loss.
I lost all 3 of my triplet girls at 20 weeks. We had names already picked out, so we kept their original names. Since I delivered them at this point, we had them buried.
I think you should do what ever you feel comfortable with, not what other people want you to do. I think it depends how far along people were, and whether they were aware of the gender, when it comes to giving their baby a name. We had just found out they were girls a week prior, so we had just named them that week.
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I agree that your situation is unique. Our son was born at 28 weeks and was a 3 lb baby, so we named him and had him cremated. I think everyone really needs to do what is best for them and their SO. You do need to grieve and I am sure you have been for some time. There is time, perhaps they can keep the remains while you decide during your hospital stay. Just know that you don't have to know all of the answers right now.
I do plan on some sort of garden/planting for Nicholas. I think I want to plant a weeping flowering cherry tree this spring around his birth/death. As for the name I would probaby name your daugther even if she doesn't have a physical body anymore. But that is what I would do, you have to do what is right for you. Tell other people to allow you to do this process as it feels right to you.
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I lost my first baby at 17 weeks, due to a placental abruption, and our hospital ( an awesome catholic hospital) had a memorial and naming ceremony for all of the babies born there, before 20 weeks. We did name her Grace, however looking back, I wish I had bought a cemetary plot and gravestone. It's hard to explain to anyone, because technically she was considered a miscarriage, not a stillbirth. Only dh and I really talk about her.
My second baby Hannah was lost at 29 weeks, so in a way that was easier, because she does have a death certificate, and is recognized in a way that Grace isn't. I'm glad I can go visit her grave, and wish I could visit Grace's though.
I really think, you have to consider what is best for you. Don't let family members persuade you to do something you're not comfortable with. I'm very sorry for your loss.
I'm so sorry your going through this. ((hugs))
I am so sorry that you've had to go through this, and that you're even having to figure these things out. There are plenty of people who have very late term losses and choose to not name their babies, so if you don't choose to name her, I don't think there's anything wrong with that. However, I feel like if my mother told me that I had a twin sister who died while she was pregnant, one of the first things I would ask would be "what was her name". I also feel like it's helpful if the baby has a name if you ever have to talk about your loss. The people you're referring to who had traditional miscarriages probably weren't as far along as 18 weeks. I really think it's just a personal choice, I have a very good friend who lost a daughter, didn't name her, and that hasn't prevented her from grieving or remembering her at all.
Honestly, I don't think I would do anything with her remains. If you had just lost her and had been able to do the D&C, then absolutely. If the remains aren't even really there anymore, then that doesn't seem necessary. Maybe you could just do something in memory of the one you lost, like plant a tree or a special plant in your garden.
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I'm sorry about your loss. I lost my first son when I was almost 22 weeks pg, he was stillborn. I did deliver him, we held him and spent time with him and have pictures. We named him before he was born so all of the hospital paperwork has his name, it makes me feel like he mattered and it "proves" that he existed. I know that isn't really the right terminology, but I also had a m/c and that seems to have been forgotten because I don't have anything to "show for it". We had an autopsy done and our son was cremated - his ashes are still in the cardboard box they were given to us in and they are on my night stand. I bought a beautiful box but at this point I have no desire to move the remains (I'm afraid to open the box). I talk about our son all the time and tell my daughter about him...it's nice that he has a name. In my opinion you should give your daughter a name, she is still your daughter and she is your other child's sister.
As far as "doing something" - that is a decision between you and your husband...don't let ANYONE pressure you into making any decisions about this. This is your situation. My H and I still attend a support group monthly (we go now more to support new people) and one thing that we learned in group is that your grief is your own and don't let anyone tell you how you should feel or give you a timeline of what you should be doing or feeling at any given time. You lost a baby...you can never change that.
We did not have a service for our son but our parents were at the hospital and met him, we had him baptised and then on the one year anniversary of his death we planted a tree in his memory. Every year on his day we go to a special park and release a balloon.
If you don't think it's right to have a service then don't. But, I think it's incredibly sweet of your family to recognize your baby...this is not always the case which is really hard. Maybe if you have your surviving baby baptized or something similar you could have the pastor say some words about the baby you lost???
GL to you, the death of a baby is never easy but I hope that even in the joy of having your surviving baby you can grieve the baby you lost.
I lost my baby at 8 weeks, 4 days, and still chose to name "her". It has helped my grieving process to have a name to cling to when I am sad, and it brings so much comfort when someone else uses her name.
It is so hard to figure out what is right for you...everyone has a different opinion, especially when people grieve differently. I think that what matters most is finding what is important for you and your SO. You can incorporate what your family wants, but not at the expense of your own healing/ memorial process.
So sorry about your loss. Praying for your other baby.