Can I vent for a minute

kirnat848

I am just so upset with MIL. I know she's flakey but seriously its just gotten really bad. She keeps saying she'll come down this day, so then that day comes and we call her and she's like oh I'm sorry I forgot, or she's still sleeping when we call! Then DD1 had a dance recital in June, she said she'd be there, I bought her a ticket, we called all that morning and nothing finally she calls back like an hour before we have to leave and she's like oh I'm so sorry I forgot it was today! DD1 was crushed and I told her that. THEN yesterday was DD3s 1st bday, a big deal to me and to everyone else. NOTHING from MIL, no phone call, no card, not even a I'll be there and she doesn't show up, just nothing. That is what really got me, DH says this is just how she's always been and he's just got over the fact that she's not going to be around. She only lives 2 hrs away and we used to go up there at least once a month but after the last few times I'm seriously about to throw in the towel. I just dont know what to do DH says don't do anything b/c this is how she is but I'd really like to tell her I'm really upset by all of this.

Thanks for letting me vent.

garden123

Uhg, I'm sorry.  I hate people like that.

And while I can certainly empathize with wanting to tell her what you really think (my own father tends to string people along, cancel when better plans come along, won't commit etc so I often want to tell him off), since your H says that she's always been this way, it's probably better not to waste any energy or time on her.

Instead, I wouldn't count on her to be where she says she will, or don't invite her at all.  If your DDs ask if she's coming, I'd always say you don't know so they don't get disappointed. 

tomandcourt

If this were a recent thing, I would maybe suggest a health issue (Alzheimer's? Stroke? something affecting her memory). But if not, then I agree with pp - I think you make the invitation, but then plan on the assumption that she will not be coming to these events. When she does, it will be a nice surprise, and when she doesn't there won't be (as much) disappointment.

Sorry!

Baby4OT

tomandcourt:

If this were a recent thing, I would maybe suggest a health issue (Alzheimer's? Stroke? something affecting her memory). But if not, then I agree with pp - I think you make the invitation, but then plan on the assumption that she will not be coming to these events. When she does, it will be a nice surprise, and when she doesn't there won't be (as much) disappointment.

Sorry!

I agree with all of this. As I was reading your post I was thinking dementia or Alzheimer's until you said that DH said she's always been like this. If that's the case, you telling her how you feel probably won't change anything. Sad, but true. Then when nothing changes in her behavior you'd probably feel even worse that she knows how you feel and still doesn't seem to care.

Invite her to family stuff, but assume that she won't be there. Don't tell your kids that she's coming to anything. They'll be so surprised and excited at her surprise appearances when she does show up.

And I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I'd be pissed too!

VAJuneBride07

Stop expecting her to show up.  Expect her not to.  Clearly that's her MO.  And I wouldn't tell the kids that she's coming from now on -- that way they won't be disappointed.  It stinks that that's the way she is, but the only thing you can control are you own actions - not her's - and the only way to keep from being disappointed is to stop expecting her to show up.

eeclem

My mom is like this. She is totally flakey about specific dates and times and can rarely be counted on to come to "big" events, unless really prodded. I agree with your DH - there's not really much you can do except accept that she'll probably be a no show, as frustrating as that is. I'm a total planner, so I know your pain!

The flip side to my mom is that she is really fun to do last minute get togethers and casual things with. If we have a free day on the weekend I can almost always call her. If she's around - yay! If not, no big deal. If you want to make an effort to see MIL more often (and I'm not saying you should) maybe try taking this approach?  Of course, my mom also calls us pretty frequently to do the same. If she made absolutely no effort, I'd probably feel differently.

MrsTiara

Ditto what ppl said about not telling the girls that she's coming.  I'm so sorry, my ILs couldn't care less, but at least they don't even make an effort so we don't usually expect them for anything.

kirnat848

Thanks everyone, DH always tells me not to worry about it but I do, I mean its their grandma you'd think she'd want to be apart of that. But I am going to take your advice and just not tell the girls if she's coming or not.

Artslvr

It's so disappointing, I'm sorry.  Sounds like a "expect the worst" situation, like pp all said.  I'm beyond expecting anything normal from any of my in-laws, and it feels sucky to just give up and expect nothing, but there you have it.

BridetobeEm

Are you sure that she isn't showing some beginning signs of alzheimers?  I know your husband said she's always been flakey, but this seems more than just flakey to me.  I would talk to her or have you and your husband talk to her and express your disappointment in her lack of effort and/or your concern for her extreme forgetfulness.