Having a hard time connecting... — The Bump
Military Families

Having a hard time connecting...

My husband is currently deployed and lately he hasn't got to talk much. I understand that communication is a luxery over there, but lately i'm starting to feel like were drifting apart. Right now i'm pregnant and already feeling insecure and when I talk to him and he sounds distant it just makes me feel worse. Has anyone else been through this or have any advice :(

Re: Having a hard time connecting...

  • I don't get to talk to my H much either.  We just went two weeks with out being able to talk.  I only got two emails durring that time.  I wrote him emails and letters every day.  I take pics of things we are doing and email them to him.  I send him a small box of snacks and fun stuff every week.  That makes me feel like I am doing something nice and fun for him and it helps me feel closer to him.  Get him to send you ideas about what to do to the baby's room when he has time to email you. 

    I know he seems distant when he talks to you.  A lot of times, when they get a chance to call, it is when they get off work.  They are tired.  It's 130* hot outside.  He has probably just waited in line for God knows how long to get to talk to you.  Don't take it personally. 

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  • There is NOTHING like an old fashioned letter. My H and I used to play 20 questions. We'd start with one question on a piece of paper and mail it, then the person on the other end would answer then ask the next question.

    It was a great way to connect, keep the letters short and fun - and help pass the time.

    You could also write a pregnancy journal/blog for him. Start a blog and send him the link and password for it. You can record dr.s visits, emotions... what it "feels" like.

    Finally, don't get stuck in a poor me attitude (not saying that you have one - just don't get sucked in). Stay positive - remember that HE has it worse than you and can use your support. Focus your energy on getting ready for baby and supporting your husband while he is away.

    Feeling down? Go to a movie, call a friend - then do something nice for your hubby. I hope you feel better soon!!!

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  • I was VERY lucky last deployment, we got to talk quite a bit. For this one however, I fear it will be a different story due to him going to Afghanistan instead of Iraq. First, it's important to remember (and it is SUPER hard to remember) that he doesn't mean anything by it when he sounds distant. It doesn't take away from his love for you, or excitement about the baby. He's got a LOT going on more than likely, and just can't focus in enough on the conversation or situation at home to comfort you the way you'd like. I know it sucks. We are going through PRE deployment right now, and mine has the same thing sometimes. He gets so focused on work, and the deployment, he forgets to act like my husband! The best thing you can do in my opinion (and a lot of people will disagree here) is just tell him how you are feeling (calmly, not in a hormonal outburst ;)) I know most wives say not to worry your husband with silly issues, and I tried that first deployment, but my husband could always tell something was wrong, and finally just said "Look, just bc I am here doesn't mean I can't be here for you as much as possible" well seing as how most of the issues were teeny tiny, he was able to cheer me up, and make us both feel better about everything. Deployments are just no fun. It sucks. It blows. It's awful. I know it's hard, but just try to remember that even if he doesn't sound like it, he still loves you and baby so much. He is just trying to focus to come home to yall safely! What I did last deployment that seemed to help us connect was went to wal mart and got a journal sized 5 star notebook. Decorated the cover, and wrote a few letters in it to him. Then had him write a few back and send it back. We did that a few times, and that way when he was acting crazy, I had those to read to remind me that he loves me. =) It'll get better. Every day is a day closer to him.
  • I am currently deployed but I got lucky and have access to internet alot more than others.We are dual military and it seems he is always the busy one lol. We are having the same issue except the opposite situation. He barely emails or talks. iI contact him constantly but I feel he's drifting away. Hopefully when I get home this will change.

  • It can actually be hard when your SO/DH/DW is contacting you ALL the time. You feel like you have nothing new to say - and yet feel guilty that you don't know what to talk about.

    It is often recommended that you make an effort to (I hate this word but) limit your calling/contact. If you cut it down a little, for example, only call once/twice a day at most then you can catch up on what's going on without your loved one feeling overwhelmed with what to say - how to connect - without it feeling forced or fake.

    I had a really hard time with this last deployment. My H for the frist couple months had a TON of access to Skype. he would ring in ALL day - which was great except I have three kids to take care of, a house to clean, work to do --- and I felt awful that I was torn between my wanting to talk to him and my need to take care of the house/family.

    On the flip side when I reported to Ft. Knox for an 8 week school I didn't have time to call. I was busy for the first 5 weeks from sun up to sun down. So we had to MAKE time to talk & connect. It was meaningful no matter how much time went by between calls/text/emails...

    Once we figured out a better communication routine it smoothed right out.

    I hope that all made some sort of sense.

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