How supportive is your family?
Of course this is a leading question- my family is super supportive of the gay thing, I've been out for a long time, and lead a gay organization, so I'm on the news as a gay- and they don't care. But every since we got preggers, its been so weird! My sister, who is 12 years older than me and LOVES babies, hasn't called or asked how we're doing. I send monthly updates to my family and she replies "thanks!" My mom, who's admittedly not a big baby fan said "I'll come home for the birth of those two and then I'll head back to Myrtle Beach, I've got symphony tickets for September 15." Well, don't let us keep you!
I don't know what's going on, but I'm thinking babies change family dynamics. Did your family dynamics change? How did you deal? Thanks for letting me vent.
Re: How supportive is your family?
Our families are supportive in that they acknowledge us as a family (more or less) and they love the kids...but they aren't the kind of grandparents who babysit, etc.
With my parents, it is hard since my mom has Parkinsons and can't walk or talk at all and my dad is her caregiver. Plus, they live 700 miles away. They did come about 7 weeks after the kids were born - but my father bitched that we didn't have the house stocked with food for their visit and I didn't offer to make them breakfast. It was all I could do not to send him packing out the door with 2 newborns to do some grocery shopping. 4 years later, I am STILL pissed about it. And I've come to learn that my father isn't a baby/toddler person and it hasn't been until the last visit of two (3.5y+) that he's really played with them when they visit. I do think it would have been a LOT different if my mom had been well (visited more often, babysat the kids when they visited, etc.)
With L's parents, these are grandchildren #9 and 10 (with the oldest being 27y) so they feel like they have "been there done that" and really aren't interested in taking care of more kids. Now granted, they did come for a week when the babies were born - but basically sat on the couch and held babies. No one cooked (well, they got deli meat for sandwiches) or helped clean. And they came in Jan when L had major surgery (but ended up taking care of L so I could take care of the boys.) They've never offered to babysit when they are here (2-3x/year for a week at a time) and don't really play with the kids. But they are good about calling the kids regularly and visiting more often - and definitely have more of a connection with the kids than my parents.
Speaking for my parents, yes the dynanmics changed. My father thinks he knows everything about everything and constantly challenges me/us on how we parent. My parents weren't very structured and we were - especially for the first 3y or so (naps/bedtimes/meal times.) This drove my father nuts - and on more than one ocassion, I had to remind him that I am the parent and L and I get to parent OUR children the way we see fit.
It is hard to parent without family support. We've been known to do our fair share of complaining about not having grandparents who want to take the kids for a night or a weekend (or even 2 hours.) But we deal.
Good luck!!!
My family has been very supportive both of my relationship/marriage and of Eli. Even my southern baptist ultra-conservative aunt is supportive and has joked that seeing how much happier I am with Kel than I had been with any of the guys I dated over the years makes her wonder if she should try dating a woman too
My wife's parents have had more of a journey. Although she has been out to them for 15 or so years, each new step has been difficult for them. Eventually they come around. In fact, one of the reasons that she carried first was to try to make it easier for her parents to see themselves as grandparents--Eli is the first grandchild on her side. My FIL is not particularly engaged, but he is not really a baby guy. My MIL spent the first tri bawling any time the pregnancy was mentioned. She kept calling it cloning and unnatural. After our first ultrasound she softened some. By the end, she actually agreed to be in the delivery room and since his birth she hasn't put him down voluntarily
The learning curve is frustrating at times, but I keep reminding myself that she has no model to compare our family to and I think she gets pretty hung up when she thinks about it. When we are with her, she sees that we love each other and love Eli--just like any other family--and she seems to be comfortable. It is when she tries to articulate it that she gets flustered.
I come from a VERY religious family, BUT everyone is pretty accepting. They ALWAYS ask about C and the kids. They would like constant updates of the photos...I have to ask them to join Facebook to keep up. My poor Mom is up there in age and VERY arthritic, but she came out for about ten days. She tried her best, even getting up to help me with the feeds in the middle of the night. She was so worried about the kids choking problems that she was a bit overreactive with the bulb, but that was PURELY out of love. I wish she knew how to use a computer. I know deep in her heart she wishes she could do more, and I feel sad that I didn't have babies sooner (I adopted my oldest when she was five-years-old). I know she would have been there to help me...especially in the kitchen *Yum Yum!^
From what I can see about C's family they are definitely accepting of the kids, but I don't know about us as a family unit. I really shouldn't even try to answer for C as she knows her family and I really don't.
I hope things go well for you. Sometimes people just need time to adjust. I have some very religious friends at work, and I saw they struggled, but then I think they realized that there are two very precious human beings here and they have since come around.
GOOD LUCK!
My family is very supportive. They LOVE these girls more than I thought possible. I think they see us as a family and there is a new kind of respect thast comes with that. They do sometimes butt in and question things but not very often. I am not sure if it would be different with a biological child.
DW's family... not so much. Her mom runs hot and cold, first loving them and then refusing to come to their birthday parties. She is a little nuts. DW isn't all that close to FIL and SMIL, but they ask about them and show up to parties etc. I 100% think things would be different if it was a biological child for her side of the family. I also think things will be different once we finalize the adoption, I think they are waiting to be sure they are sticking around.