TTC After a Loss 6 Months+

Oh, so the list of stupid things to say isn't full yet?

I went for a walk and to dinner with a friend.  I told her about our losses after prefacing with a 'please don't give me the pity face'.  She apologized for our losses and we talked a bit more, but the conversation turned to her marital problems, which was fine by me.

End of the evening comes and she says that she read or heard that saying to a cancer patient that you hope they get better or other comments along those lines don't really help and that you should say 'I hope it works out for the best for everyone'.

She then proceeds to say to me, 'so I won't say I hope you get pregnant and have a baby, I'll just say I hope it works out the best for everyone'.

What the what is that supposed to mean?  She really is otherwise a good friend, but this comment was a big fail to me.

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Formerly toddandjulie

Re: Oh, so the list of stupid things to say isn't full yet?

  • Another case of someone trying to fill the air with sounds instead of just shutting the eff up and enjoying some silence.

    I hate when people don't think before they speak b/c if she means what I think she means, I want to strangle her.

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  • kew243kew243 member
    hmm... I think I would be bothered by it to.  Like you aren't going to improve?  With that said, I think she was probably trying to say the right thing and said something really strange instead.
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  • It sounds like she was trying to do the thing that we all hope for the, "Im not going to say 'in god's time' but im sorry." But that turned out as a huge fail into gobble-de-gook of food in mouth.

    Im sorry it turned out that way, (((((Hugs)))))

    3 Early Miscarriages 4 rounds of Clomid BFP = 11/16/10 ~ EDD July 29th 2011 Image and video hosting by TinyPic
  • I've decided that people are just generally stupid.  What a moronic thing to say.  Of course we hope you get pregnant & have a baby....& why wouldn't a cancer patient want to hear I hope you get better soon?!?  Jesus H Christ.
    Connor Thomas 6/6/08. Discovered missed miscarriage at 17 wks 3 days, D&C 11/25/09. Please, please, please - BFP 5/21/11, EDD 2/1/11. Beta@12DPO=52, Beta@14DPO=158. U/S 7/7/11 shows strong baby measuring a couple days ahead!!! Pregnancy Ticker
  • I am just not seeing the logic with this theory.  I get that you personally don't have any control over whether a person gets better from cancer or has a healthy pregnancy, but how can you not still hope for those outcomes.

    Weird.  Just weird.

     

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    Formerly toddandjulie
  • imageCourt1:
    I've decided that people are just generally stupid.  What a moronic thing to say.  Of course we hope you get pregnant & have a baby....& why wouldn't a cancer patient want to hear I hope you get better soon?!?  Jesus H Christ.

    This.. and thats  being nice about it.

  • imagetoddandjulie:

    I am just not seeing the logic with this theory.  I get that you personally don't have any control over whether a person gets better from cancer or has a healthy pregnancy, but how can you not still hope for those outcomes.

    Weird.  Just weird.

     

    Exactly. 

    the way I took it, and I could be wrong and oversensitive, is:

    With a cancer patient, odds might not be good for their recovery and she doesn't really have much hope for them, so instead of "I hope you get better" she'd say "I hope it works out for the best"

    I think that's pretty callous.I don't even want to write the TTC version b/c it makes me too mad.

     

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  • imageShellShockedMama:
    imagetoddandjulie:

    I am just not seeing the logic with this theory.  I get that you personally don't have any control over whether a person gets better from cancer or has a healthy pregnancy, but how can you not still hope for those outcomes.

    Weird.  Just weird.

     

    Exactly. 

    the way I took it, and I could be wrong and oversensitive, is:

    With a cancer patient, odds might not be good for their recovery and she doesn't really have much hope for them, so instead of "I hope you get better" she'd say "I hope it works out for the best"

    I think that's pretty callous.I don't even want to write the TTC version b/c it makes me too mad.

     

    Totally agree.  I felt like she was saying she doesn't have much hope for me, but this was her attempt at saying something that she could tell herself was supportive.

    Thanks, Shell.  You helped me figure out why it was bothering me. Hopefully now I can start letting it go.

     

     

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    Missed m/c 11.09 | Missed m/c 3.10 | We miss you & love you so.
    ~ ~ ~
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    Formerly toddandjulie
  • I really hate when good friends say such crappy stuff. I think I'd ask her "so, you don't hold any hope for me" and make her squirm, but I'm evil. so take that into consideration.
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  • That comment was a big...BIG fail!  You are not sick!  I have friend that have no idea what to say too... but come on!

    I know you will get pregnant and have a baby!!!

    ~Married- 10.20.2007~ TTC Since- 4.3.2009 ~BFP#1- 8.25.2009 ~ Missed M/C and D&C-10.9.2009 ~BFP#2-8.12.2010 ~ EDD- 4.20.2011~ It
  • Oh sweet baby Jesus people. What is wrong with "I'm sorry, that really sucks"?? No, for real. We don't need you to turn therapist. Just acknowledge the suckage and move on.
  • imageColindaP:
    Oh sweet baby Jesus people. What is wrong with "I'm sorry, that really sucks"?? No, for real. We don't need you to turn therapist. Just acknowledge the suckage and move on.

    Amateur therapists blow. Just be our FRIEND, not our mental health professional. We've probably got those already!

    Julie, I'm sorry that what she said upset you. It sounds like her heart was really in the right place, but the words didn't match up.

    BFP #1 10/17/09: missed m/c at 7 weeks; BFP #2 10/22/10: chemical pregnancy; BFP #3: 1/28/11

    Baby Boy Smudgie born 10/4/11

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  • imageShellShockedMama:

    Another case of someone trying to fill the air with sounds instead of just shutting the eff up and enjoying some silence.

    I hate when people don't think before they speak b/c if she means what I think she means, I want to strangle her.

    Exactly this. Well said. People don't know when to shut up.


    BFP 12/18/2009. HB 1/4/2010. NO HB 1/18/2010. D&C 1/19/2010
    April 2011 IUI #1 BFN. High FSH and other issues.
    May 2011 Chose to build our family through adoption
    September 2011 Actively waiting for a match
    11/26/11 Surprise BFP * DD born 7/23/12 Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
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