"I don't want to play by myself!!!!!!"

brightning

Anyone else hear this 900 times a day?

And if you don't, would you care to share your secret?

Did I play with DD too much as a baby, so now she expects it? Is it just her personality (she's always been extremely attached)? I try to make it enticing - getting her started in an activity and then easing my way out. I say "I'm going to do X, what are you going to do?"

The thing is, DD doesn't always care if I'm playing with her, she just wants me sitting on the floor next to her while she's playing. So setting up a little table in the kitchen for her to play on isn't working - she wants me down at her level.

I'm going crazy here, people.

roseroseroseroserose

K is like that with me, but not DH so I know it's my fault.

HarrietNJMommy

I don't hear that, but that's because I have 3 kids and they don't need me to play with them - they can play with each other! :-)

mandyallcorn

We got past that by me telling him "I'm going to do X for awhile and I'll check on you in a bit" then I pop in, say hi, play a few minutes/comment on how awesome his race track is or whatever, and repeat.

Or get out blocks and ask them to build you a house or a tower or whatever and say I'll come back when I'm done sweeping and check on how you're doing.

neverblushed

Oh -- I have SO walked a mile in your shoes!

My DD was very similar.  Until I had DC#2, I spent a lot of time questioning/worrying about whether I had created this lack of independence in her. 

After having a 2nd child, I firmly believe that 75% of it is caused by personality. My DD has always craved interaction with me, and still does, even though she enjoys doing her own thing now too.  When my DS was small, he was at home alone with me a lot while his sister was in school all day, and he has ALWAYS been able to play more independently than she has, even when he was just 18 months or so.  He would happily sit on the floor with a pile of tupperware for about 30 minutes at a time.  DD would NEVER play with something that long unless I was playing along with her.  However, the other 25% is probably a result of her being in the habit of being entertained by you. 

The good news about it being mostly a personality issue is that you can pretty much stop blaming yourself for doing something wrong to "create" this situation.  The bad news is that she just has to outgrow it.   However, that 25% that's just habit can be worked with.  My DD actually had to LEARN how to play by herself.

Here are some things I found that helped me deal with my DD:

1.  Structure -- It helped my DD to know that there were certain times of the day when I had to do my own thing, and she had no choice but to play on her own.  I chose morning chore time and dinner time as the times when she had to do her own thing.  I would announce the beginning of the time and say "from now until _______ I have to do my Mommy jobs.  Your job is to find something fun to do by yourself.  Let's go into your room and I'll help you pick something to do.  Afterwards, we'll play together again."

2. Playdates -- my kids were shy and reluctant to have playdates with other kids at first.  Why would you want to play with someone as self-centered as you are when you could be playing with Mommy, who almost always puts your needs first? Especially if you're a smart, mature preschooler.  But we persevered and soon they both learned to love playing with other kids (although DD was in kindergarten before she really began looking forward to playdates.)

3. Guidance and suggestions about what to play with and how to play.  I would (and still do) help my kids pick something to play with and help them get started.  Your method of starting her and then easing away is more or less what I used.  As they got older, my involvement could be minimized.

4.  Starting preschool.  She really learned how to play on her own and with other kids in school.  Since I had the academics under control at home, I was really looking for the socialization at school, and she got it!  Even in a 2 morning a week program.

5.  Having another child. I know you are on the fence about this now and maybe leaning toward "only child."  But, I have to say it made a huge difference to my DD's ability to be independent.  My kids are 4 years apart and different genders.  It was hard to go back to the "baby" thing when DD was so mature and independent at age 4.  However, a benefit was that the intense attachment between DD and me was watered down -- in a healthy way -- when DS was born.  She was forced to share the spotlight, to compromise, to become more independent, and to realize that she's not the center of the universe.  All good things.  Also, it took a while for my kids to become friends and play together -- we didn't push it -- but now they are really buddies. 

For example, yesterday they fingerpainted together, they played video games together for a little while, then they played outside, then they played a game in the playroom for a while, then DD made a telescope from a science kit while DS played with a toy spaceship nearby, then they played pretend hospital in DS's room while I made dinner.  I'd say they kept each other busy for about 4 or 5 hours during the day while I caught up on email, made work phone calls, and did post-vacation laundry.  Heaven.

If you decide Dana will be an only child, you can use playdates and activities outside the home to replace some of this sibiling interaction.  But, overall, having a sibiling made SUCH a difference to the "mommy, play with me!" issue, that I felt I had to mention it.

SLM05

DD does this and ever since my triplet pregnancy/bedrest/hospital/ taing care of the boys she wants my attention all the time,  I try what other have said, get her involved and try to slip away but that does not work.   DD used to be in daycare and is used to more people so the past 6 months or so have been...well life changing for poor DD. Eveything has changed.   I am hoping to get DD invilved with more moms group and some peer activites int he hopes of that helping.

marriedchick06

Thankfully B has always been good at playing by herself so we do not have that issue. 

ecoppins

I do the play a little go fold laundry, come back and play go and fold laundry (this is today so the only thing i can think of) Then I bring some back, like the socks and sit on the floor and pair socks while she plays.

I also find that if I structure what she plays with and then have free play it creates the feeling that I'm playing with her. So in a little, she's been playing in the playroom while I'm doing laundry, we will go upstairs and I'll pay bills and check the  mail while she is at the same table coloring. Then we do music/song time together and then we make lunch together. 

I pulled her out of daycare where they had them all doing activities etc with some free play. I found that at home I just expected her to do free play the whole day, which doesn't really work for her. She likes the structure and guidance.  I also don't ask what she wants to do, I tell her it is coloring time, then say would you like to color with markers or crayons? Then she goes and gets the paper and crayons (or I get the markers). She also helps clean up after each activity, so that they don't run into each other, there is a predictable beginning, middle and end to each activity.  

Like when we are cooking, I say "whats the first thing we do when we cook?" and she says wash hands and wipe the counters so their clean. Then she gets the stuff out of the pantry, (one at a time) while I chop or pull out slices of bread.  I expect her to help, and she's gotten good at it. Like in sock pairing it is a game for both of us. 

I also know her attention span 20 minutes tops, so I have to switch activities and approach about that long. 

momofolivia

ecoppins:

 I expect her to help, and she's gotten good at it. Like in sock pairing it is a game for both of us. 

DD is really good at playing by herself and i think it has to do with personality + daycare + what ecoppins said above.  I involve her in my chores, so that I am getting things done while we are having together time. 

Not to make this a SAHM v WM thing, but I just don't have the time on the weekends to play tea party all day long.  I absolutely sit and engage with her, but I also have to get laundry done, clean the house, and other chores.  So the next best thing is involving her. 

The best part?  She is the best cleaner-upper there is!  I rarely have to ask her to put things away or to put her clothes in the hamper, etc.  She just does them because she knows that is what is expected.

brightning

It's so hard not to get defensive about stuff like this!

I feel like I do a good job of getting her started on an activity, leaving for a minute to do something, then getting back to her. But she would rather come with me to help me do XYZ. And since I do involve her in so much of what I do - laundry, cooking, cleaning, whatever - she always wants to help and then wants me to get back to playing with her. We'll have to just keep working on it!

But in 10 years, when she's decided that I'm tragically unhip, I'll miss these times, so I guess I should enjoy them while they last! And I'm so grateful that I am a SAHM and get to spend all this time with her now, while she still thinks I'm the best playmate ever.