Guardians for LO (long)
cbandjp
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My DH and I have been trying to figure out who would be good guardians for our DS if something should happen to the both of us. Both of our parents are older and have health problems and neither of us have siblings, so we were going to ask friends. His best friend married my best friend a couple of years ago. They don't have children, but they spoil their dog which we thought was a good indicator of what kind of parents they would be. I also thought they might be unofficial AP type of parents. I was over their house today. DS fell alseep in my arms. My friend told me I would spoil DS if I let him sleep in my arms. I said he usually sleeps in a wrap and I just carry him around. She thought that was nuts. After he woke up, I changed his cloth diaper. She thought it was gross to use cloth diapers. He started fussing shortly after and she said to let him CIO. I explained that he's crying for a reason and it's my job to figure out why.
My whole point of this post is I don't know if I want them as guardians. They fuss over their dog all day, but would let a baby CIO. Maybe since they don't have kids yet, they don't understand where I'm coming from. Did you pick guardians based on parenting style? They are great people, have enough money to care for our LO if needed, and plan on staying in NJ, but we don't share the same parenting style.
TIA!
Re: Guardians for LO (long)
Well do you have any other options?
If they are your ONLY options, then you have to accept the fact that you have different parenting styles- though to be fair, they are not parents yet and MANY people change their tune on things once they become parents themselves
Maybe have a talk with them and express your concerns in a non-judgmental way? I don't think you need to bombard them with EVERY single thing- what issues are most important to you? CIO or cloth diapering? Etc, kwim?
We chose DH's sister (no kids and not married yet) because she's the only young enough family near-by. She is very smart, works with kids and loves DS to pieces BUT she's not exactly into everything we are. My sister, who is 40 and has health problems will act as her partner in crime in raising LO if anything should happen to us- she lives states away but will be there for guidance and the big issues/decisions. She is more into the natural lifestyle we are and is a mother so she has experience. I feel the two will balance each other out.
Hope you figure something out
Loss #6 2014 Loss #7 (chemical) 2014
~DS Born! 2009~
~DD Born! 2013~
It depends on if you have other options...
My BFF probably doesn't share my parenting style (she's not pregnant yet) but they have a lot of other key features that are important to me and we are kinda short on viable options who don't have more objectionable issues. Hopefully A) C will always be with us since we'll still both be living but
if we should both die hopefully she'll be older and those types of CIO decisions won't come into play in the same way since I think the way my BFF would deal with older kids is more similar to the way I would.
i've got no answers, but DH and i are wrangling with this ourselves. our parents are old enough that it doesn't seem fair to them or to DD to go with them. all the g-parents love her madly, and it is important to us that they would still be in her life, but they don't seem the best choice to raise her. siblings are not an issue.
our 2 top candidates are my 2 best friends, both of whom live in other states. we don't love the idea that DD would be so uprooted if something were to happen, but they are our best options. 1 has an older daughter and very much shares our parenting style, but the logistics of her life aren't all that stable. 1 is married and they are just starting to TTC, and i have no idea what their parenting style might be.
there is no 1 best choice, but we're trying to decide based on all factors: financial, demographic, logistics, AND parenting style. there are a lot of ways to love a child.
GL! with your choice.
We haven't officially chosen guardians yet, but we will do it totally based upon parenting style....which completely eliminates the 4 siblings we have between us! We love them to death, but when it comes to raising LO, it's got to be someone who is going to be 150% compassionate and someone who will teach him the values that are important to us. I think it's going to be one of my childhood friends, who is actually single and lives across the country....She doesn't have a lot of $$ but we have life insurance, so LO would be all set.
This might be true for them. I know I didn't really have ANY clue how I was going to raise Esme and my parents didn't really give me alot to work with so it wasn't until I starting reading up on the internet that I decided AP just made the most sense to me. Maybe if they learned the reasons why you parent the way you do, they'd be more open to it. I know I was sold on the "why"s.
We chose my sister who already has 4 kids. Her parenting style is not completely AP but not completely not AP. The most important thing to me was that she will love Esme just as much as her own kids. I have no doubt she will.
Parenting style is very important to me, but not just the AP aspect of it. While my mom was not mother of the year when I was growing up, she has herself has grow up a lot and now has two boys 10 and 11. As an adult I am able to udnerstand the sacrifices she made to get herself to a place where she could care for me and then my siblings (going to school, building a career and practice, etc.). With saying that, she still managed to instill important values to me and despite the potential road of craziness I could have gone down, b/c of those values I did not. I would choose my mom now, over anyone else b/c I trust she would do the same for Baby Bun, and she is a fabulous parent now.... and fairly AP.
My ILs on the other hand, while they will love Baby Bun to death, I have seen their parenting style and hate it. DH's youngest sister is 15 and there are no rules, they refuse to discuss sex with her or put her on BCP even though she flat out admitted she is having sex (b/c they/we are Catholic is their supposed reason, I'm Catholic and am an avid fan of BC), and one of their older daughters got pregnant at 15 so you think they would have learned by now. I am completely uncomfortable with this and watching this train wreck that I know is about to happen cause me great anxiety, b/c it doesn't have to end this way - but we all know it will. I absolutely do not want my child raised that way. It is not healthy, and it is not right.
DH and I haven't had the discussion yet, but we need to. I think he will understand where I am coming from, and would agree. One of his sisters is fabulous, but I also wonder if she would support my wishes for my child; whereas I know that my mother would.
Personally, I'd tried to find family before chosing friends, regardless of their parenting style. Do you or DH have any cousins or aunts or uncles who might be acceptable?
We're considering our options as well...we do have siblings but agree that they're not our first choice. My mom lives with us and is great with DD...she's 55 and in fairly decent health (she has type II diabetes but manages it with diet and fitness) so she would be my first choice, but we're just not sure. We're working on it and did consider friends but decided that family would be better for a myriad of reasons.
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