Feeling awful x2 (vent)

Valjoy11

Six months later, and it feels like its getting worse again...

So, like many others on this board, I am surrounded by pregnant people.  This group now includes my two closest friends, one of which just told me yesterday. I have been having a very hard time emotionally this month, as it is very likely I won't be pregnant by the time my would-be EDD comes around; and this date also coincides with the one year mark as far as TTC- an anniversary I NEVER thought would come around without a pregnancy or a baby to show for all of our effort.

I knew I would see her this weekend, for the first time in 6 months, and I knew they were trying, so something in my gut told me to ask her.  I KNEW that if one more person decided to "surprise" me with their news, I was going to lose it in a major way in front of her.  And I didn't want to hurt her by doing that. 

Luckily, I explained my mixed emotions to her and she totally understood and said, while she wished she could have told me in person, she wasn't mad or upset with me.... but that doesn't mean I'm not upset with myself.  I feel like the shiitiest person when I get this kind of news and people look at me with that look on their face, waiting for me to get excited and jump up and down with them, and all I want to do is curl up into a ball and cry.  I am just still so upset for what I have lost that it overshadows 90% of the joy I feel for the other person and their good news.  So I feel sad, and then guilty on top of that, so its like being stabbed twice in the heart.

 Sorry for the vent, but I just felt like I needed to share this with someone, anyone who understands how I am feeling without judgment  or criticism.  Even DH doesn't understand why this still cuts so deep after all these months...

elizabeth&james

Vent away. I feel your pain only in my case it is my sister who is pg. She was 8 1/2 weeks when she told me- and now she is 11 weeks and farther along then I made it and it hurts so much to feel so jealous and then so guilty - so I decided I had to let myself off the hook... I feel jealous and I think that we can all agree that is normal... as far as the guilt is concerned, I am trying to let it go b/c I need to take care of myself first right now - and if I can't be the perfect "old me" for everyone else right now then they will all just have to understand and survive w/o that support for a little while! (hugs)

Valjoy11

elizabeth&james:

Vent away. I feel your pain only in my case it is my sister who is pg. She was 8 1/2 weeks when she told me- and now she is 11 weeks and farther along then I made it and it hurts so much to feel so jealous and then so guilty - so I decided I had to let myself off the hook... I feel jealous and I think that we can all agree that is normal... as far as the guilt is concerned, I am trying to let it go b/c I need to take care of myself first right now - and if I can't be the perfect "old me" for everyone else right now then they will all just have to understand and survive w/o that support for a little while! (hugs)

I totally agree.  I feel like you hit the nail on the head in some ways-- I swear everyone has forgotten was happened or at least don't understand that I am not the same person anymore.  But they still expect me to act and react like nothing ever happened.

a&b=him&me

Valjoy11:

elizabeth&james:

Vent away. I feel your pain only in my case it is my sister who is pg. She was 8 1/2 weeks when she told me- and now she is 11 weeks and farther along then I made it and it hurts so much to feel so jealous and then so guilty - so I decided I had to let myself off the hook... I feel jealous and I think that we can all agree that is normal... as far as the guilt is concerned, I am trying to let it go b/c I need to take care of myself first right now - and if I can't be the perfect "old me" for everyone else right now then they will all just have to understand and survive w/o that support for a little while! (hugs)

I totally agree.  I feel like you hit the nail on the head in some ways-- I swear everyone has forgotten was happened or at least don't understand that I am not the same person anymore.  But they still expect me to act and react like nothing ever happened.

Absolutely, vent away!

People do forget (hell it's only been a month and all my friends are back to their normal selves), unless they have personally experienced the loss they don't know what it's like to have a hole in your heart that will never heal.They don't understand that it's a life changing experience no matter what - it takes THEM time to adjust to the new you.

bgarson

lrachelle80:

It's so hard having the world and friends go on without us. It's like everyone should be put on pause until we get back to where we were supposed to be! I only wish that I had a button to do that.

 

This!