mother-in-law wants to move to town

JJ1973

Got news from my husband today that my mother-in-law would like to give up her life elsewhere to move and be with us...I'm not very close to my mother-in-law and we have some pretty major differences with regard to our philosophy on child-rearing, religion...just about everything. Since I've dated my husband, there has always been a certain degree of strain when she visits...she's a good person, but a bit intrusive and rigid. I guess this will be a chance to get to know her better, huh? I, of course, want our baby to have a close relationship with both sides of grandparents, but I have to admit, I have some mixed feelings about the news (personally, given my experiences with her). It adds a little complexity to everything. I hate feeling this way about it - it should be a good thing, right? I just really worry about our butting heads all the time. Anyone have positive stories about how things like this can turn out great? I need the encouragement.

RitaT22

I don't have a personal story to share, but like you said yourself, it gives LO to have a good relationship with his grandma. As long as she is not moving IN with you, this can be a great experience. Think positive thoughts!

Staribeth

Life changing events can be really good for your relationship. I had a very strained one with my MIL after MH and I got married. When my FIL died, everything changed and we had a beautiful year together. Unfortunately she passed as well but I am so thankful that we had the opportunity to grow closer.

I would try to remain open minded about it and remember that relationships can change with circumstances. Keep DH informed about how you feel and your concerns and make sure he understands that he may have to stand up for you- but I hope it does not become an issue and that all goes well for you! GL!

ahpeach

I guess I'm the opposite and would tell you that I would NEVER want my MIL to live near us. As in, within 6 hours driving distance of us. My relationship with MIL is very similar to what you've described, with a few other issues that worsen the situation, and the only thing that saves my sanity is the distance between us. DH knows this and understands 100%, so we've agreed to never close the geographical gap, per say. 

I agree that it is important for children to have good relationships with their grandparents, but I also believe that you can achieve this without living close to each other. Our son will know and love DH's parents, regardless of where they live. 

mcadams1

um...well, I very much like my MIL and she has a lot of great qualities. She has a pretty big boundary issue, though. And she likes to put herself into positions of being needed even when they're totally contrived. Thankfully, DH really has my back and while it took him a while to see things from my perspective, he now backs me up completely. MIL still doesn't really know how to back off and let me be mom but she at least understands that I want space and that she should quit trying to take DD everyday. So...IDK. You can't tell this lady what to do. I think you all really shouldn't comment either way and totally leave it up to her but make sure she realizes that you are your own family and don't exactly plan on rearranging your life just because she's in town. There are certainly a lot of benefits to having family close by but you have to really guard your privacy!

veebug22

I feel similarly about my MIL -- we get along fine, but it's a bit of work from both sides as we come from very different backgrounds with different ideas on many things. I wouldn't want her living close; however, if she did choose to move close by, I would try to make it work. My mom is considering moving close by, and although my DH and I both get along with her well and she is great about realizing we will need our space and she'll need to create a life of her own aside from us, we have already talked about boundaries. I think that's the most important thing you can do if she does decide to move close.

Talk to your husband about what's important to you regarding your lives and how they will be structured. Talk to him about how he will respond when you and his mother disagree about parenting and how important it is that you and he are a united front. Talk to him about boundaries. Talk to him about the importance of you guys having time as a couple and family aside from her. Talk about how you will encourage her to find her own set of friends and things to do. I would also have this conversation with her... let her know you're looking forward to having her move closer and then maybe you and your husband and her can discuss what you want out of it, how often you'll see each other, etc. Also, you'll want to know her boundaries. Maybe she wants to see the kids a couple days a week but wants to make sure she's not taken advantage of as a babysitting service, etc. Find things that she's interested in around the area. For example, my mom does ballroom dancing so I researched a couple dance studios. Showing that you're trying to make this transition easy for her will go a long way in encouraging her to work with you as well during the change.

It could be great as long as everyone is honest with each other while also being supportive and positive -- one other person to help with the family and maybe make an occasional night out for you and DH more possible!