at the end of my rope with stepson- please help!!!
.completely.amazing.love.
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we get ss (5 years old) from Friday at 5pm til Sunday at 5pm the 1st, 2nd, and 4th weekends of the month so we have limited time with him.
he & bm live with her parents. his two cousins & aunt live there also. bm & his grandparents basically let him run the place. then he comes to our house & doesn't listen, talks back, ect.
examples:
i tell him to do something he always says, "no you're not my boss. i'm gonna tell my mom."
he puts his toys (small toys that dd can choke on) in the pnp with her while i'm in the bathroom.
if i'm tending to dd he gets into EVERYTHING.
those are just a few of the things. we've tried basically every form of discipline knwon to man & i'm at the end of my rope with the disrespect. there are days when i truly cannot wait til he goes back to his mom's house. (i do love him though so please don't get the wrong idea) but i dont want dd to think this behavior is how she is supposed to act. nor do i want her to think ss can get away with whatever just because he's not always here.
Re: at the end of my rope with stepson- please help!!!
This is a tough situation. First of all, yH needs to discuss things with BM and see if she even acknowledges that there is a problem and is willing to set up a consistent discpline/reward pram that will follow from house to house (doubt it, I understand your pain).
But then then you and yH need to decide on a plan and stick to it. No changing. 5yo are going to push, especially when they know they can get away with it at one place. They are plenty old enough to realize that there are two sets of rules, and consistency from y'all (though it may make you and especially yH feel like the bad guys for a while) will help him realize that his life at your house is much less hectic than his crowded life at BMs.
My SD is 4, and BM has lived with her parents for quite some time (her other two kids as well, and her own grown brother there at the same time). We also have lived with my FIL before (not now, thank god), and then his gf and her two kids moved in, and then LO was born. SD definitely knows which house is the less hectic, because even though we have more rules and she does get in trouble sometimes, she knows what to expect.
Time, patience, and CONSISTENCY are your best friends, even when it's hard. And don't give in to guilt parenting or let yH give in. It took a long time for me to get FI on board with that. But now that he is and we a team, our time with SD and FIs time with her (even though very very short after getting off work) is very wonderful.
We do still have to go through "detox" when she comes bakc from BMs, though. Extra reminders, and more timeouts than usual the first coupls days. But after that, it's smooth sailing.
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You could try smart discipline. You could purchase the program on-line, but I'll give you the brief.
Set up a chart with 8 squares, and 5 rules.Squares 1- 3 are empty and squares 4 - 8 have a privelege in them that gets taken away - it should be in order of severity. So square 4 might be 'no dessert' - square 5 - 'no wii' and so on - our square 8 is bedtime - meaning he is in bed once he hits that square.
The rules should be basic - youmust listen to and respect parents. You must put your clothes in the hamper. You cannot put any of your toys in your sisters belongings.
If he breaks one of the 5 rules you tell him 'check' make a check in box 1 (he gets 3 free checks) once he hits check 4 - privelege lost! The board resets every night at dinner. So if he gets a check after dinner it counts for the next day. You must be consistent though - always give a check for bad behavior - even if you are not home!
This has been amazing for our SS - we do not get anymore back talk - he does what he's told - it is amazing! He has not gotten past 3 checks in months!
Look up reviews on-line it works great. Once the child turns 7 or 8 (i'd have to check) the board is good for a week instead of a day and there are 10 squares.
Good luck.