9 yr old adopted brother issue, big issue I may add.
skittles_123
member
My mom and step-father adopted a 5 yr old young boy right after I had ds about 4 yrs ago. Lots of questions back then about my mom trying to keep up with me, doing it all over again, kind of thing. She got married to my step-father 2 months before my wedding (eloped without telling me), and she had only known him for about 2 months before that. She bought a new house with my step-father, just months after we bought our first home. Then well, she adopted my adopted brother a few months after I had ds.
She met my adopted brother at an orphanage, where she was volunteering. His mother had issues, had multiple children by multiple fathers. There had been a history of physical abuse. He had major issues through the foster program, no one could keep him for very long. My mom and step-father decided they were going to adopt him. He had a lot of major issues and adjustments at first. Compared to when they first got him, he is doing tremendously better, so I give my mom and step-father tremendous credit for that. But he still has issues, one of which was not revealed to me until yesterday.
He has a "suspected" history of sexual abuse as well. He got kicked out of his YMCA summer program last week because he "acted" out with another child. Apparently, this happened one other time while my mom and step-father had him, but it was a few years ago when they first adopted him. My brother, 28, lives with my mom in a separate apartment above their garage, so he has volunteered to watch him for the summer, as he works at night. My brother typically watchs ds on Thursday's after therapy, so now he will have both of them.
My dh and I guess I should be too, concerned now, even with my brother supervising about ds being around my adopted brother. Dh really wants one of us to be around ds when he is with adopted brother. I am also a little disturbed at the fact that my mom knew this and we have let my ds and him play in his room by themselves while we were visiting. No way in h*** would I have let that happen if I had known about this.
My adopted brother does have an IEP because he has ADHD. My mom was able to get an autism dx on his record too, just recently. He doesn't have autism, but whatever. Just another thing to keep up with us, I guess. Not sure why having an autism dx is something I would want to keep up with, but who knows? Anyway, can you tell I am venting and a little mad. I would love any advice, whatever.
Thanks for listening.
Re: 9 yr old adopted brother issue, big issue I may add.
Is he in psychotherapy of some kind for the sexual abuse? I don't think I'd trust him to be alone with your lo either, but that's me.
I'm sorry you even have to go through all of this and I hope that he's able to see that his life can be different.
Doesn't the whole 300 views, 1 reply thing bug you? Lots of my posts get that kind of response. For me, I have no experience with your concerns, so I can't venture to guess a solution, but I can say that I have learned to trust my mommy sense. It may be a good idea to find alternative care for your DS for that period when the two boys would overlap with your brother. It will be easier on him, too! Lots of day cares in my area will do part time arrangements, and it can be a great opportunity for some socialization time, too! :-)
Hope that helps, and hope there is a positive solution in the near future. On the competition side of things, what an amazing complement. Just think how awesome you look to someone that they want to be exactly like you. I have a small similar experience here that included a coworker getting the same haircut I had just gotten, with same color from the same stylist..it freaked me out, and ruined our relationship (there were some other issues). Small comparison, I know, but I do get that feeling of "what the h**l? Get your own life." that happens when you see such obvious mimicry.
Good Luck with everything!
Yeah, my abdopted brother does see a pyschiatrist, along with regular social worker, which they just switched to someone that is familiar with working with kids that have been sexually abused. So he is getting help, thank goodness.
I appreciate the replies, thank you. Toddandleah, if I ever read your posts, I will respond :0). Thank you! Sometimes there are no obvious answers but to just trust ones own instinct.
That sounds very stressful and it seems like you and your mom don't have the healthiest of relationships. I'm not sure from the details you gave if I would be concerned (it would depend on the details of the incident) about stepbrother, but I don't think it matters if anyone agrees with you. If you are uncomfortable and don't think your brother will/can monitor them closely enough to alleviate your fears then I wouldn't leave DS there. I would go with my gut even if I had no concrete evidence because I would waste too much energy worrying if I didn't.
I was unclear about your follow up post - so MIL will watch DS now on Thurs? If so, I would take her up on it or find another alternative. Luckily this is just a summer problem, right?
I don't have anyexperience with this issue, but I would go with my mommy gut. I don't think I would be able to trust him alone with ds either.
I would take the offer from MIL and part of your problem is taken care of. It may be that MIL is unsure if she would be willling/able to help out more and is testing the waters. Hopefully she will enjoy herself and want to add another day or two.
Good Luck.
I used to be a foster care worker and I know that many kids that were sexually abused go on to sexually abuse others. I would be concerned about leaving them alone together unless your older brother can 100% promise you that he will never be left unsupervised with your little brother.
Sorry about the issues with your Mom. That sounds like a lot to deal with all on it's own.
Just saw this post or I would've responded sooner. I hate it when there's a ton of views and no responses.
Sorry you're going through this. I'd take MIL up on watching DS and follow your gut. It sucks that she just now got around to wanting to help DS, but better now than never, right? And if its just that one afternoon that's a good start. Maybe it'll give them some good time to bond so she can really start to understand him.
Here's another thought . . . I can't remember how old you said your new brother is, but he may catch on to the to the fact that you're avoiding having DS alone with him. I'd want to make sure that I did give your new brother some attention and didn't treat him like a creep. He's not a creep for what happened to him. Don't take this to mean you should let DS be alone with him. Just, given his history, I can imagine he's having a really hard time and having one more relationship lost (however insignificant you may think that relationship was) is a really huge deal to someone in that kind of situation. He could probably really use a consistent big sister figure in his life and a lot of the things you know from your son would probably really translate into helping you understand how to act with him--even if he doesn't actually have autism. Ie. Things we do with kids on the spectrum like giving warnings before something new happens are really good for someone who's gone through the kind of trauma he has.
I hope that it all stops being stressful for you . . . and that your brother is able to find in your family a place where he really belongs and feels secure. Sounds like he really need(ed/s) that.