Attachment Parenting

I still don't think she gets it..

But at least I said my piece. My mother, which I knew she would, said "we were only joking around..." to which I replied that when he started crying, it was no longer funny. I laid out the whole trust issue, and also pointed out the fact that he has boundary issues when playing with others, and if we don't model that for him, how can we expect him to do it himself? She rolled her eyes and said I was, as usual, overreacting. I told her that she's the adult, and he's only a child, and she needs to rethink how she treats him. I don't care if she does think I'm being unreasonable- if it means she's on pins and needles with how she treats my kids and she takes a moment to think twice about what she says and does to them, I can handle my biotch status.

Re: I still don't think she gets it..

  • ughhh it's like sometimes Mum's just can't admit they were wrong.

    I can imagine your frustration. it sounds like you made excellent points about role modelling etc.

    hopefully if you keep standing your ground, she'll at least co-operate with you, even if she never fully gets it. 

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    Elizabeth 5yrs old Jane 3yrs old
    image


  • I just saw your post - I think you did the right thing.  I don't think adults think about treating kids with respect nearly enough - and like you said, if we don't model it, how will they learn??
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  • Good for you!  You sound like an awesome Mom who is going to raise children that treat others with respect.
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  • imagencbelle:
    I just saw your post - I think you did the right thing.  I don't think adults think about treating kids with respect nearly enough - and like you said, if we don't model it, how will they learn??

    I agree with this.  Most adults treat kids like second-class citizens.

    I would have done the same thing.  Hell, I have stood up to my mother for much less.  You were right to do so.  I'm sorry she still doesn't understand.  Just be consistent and hopefully in time she'll come to respect your wishes.

  • imagebrideofaussie:

    imagencbelle:
    I just saw your post - I think you did the right thing.  I don't think adults think about treating kids with respect nearly enough - and like you said, if we don't model it, how will they learn??

    I agree with this.  Most adults treat kids like second-class citizens.

    I would have done the same thing.  Hell, I have stood up to my mother for much less.  You were right to do so.  I'm sorry she still doesn't understand.  Just be consistent and hopefully in time she'll come to respect your wishes.

    I completely agree.  Did you get her to apologize to DS?  It doesn't matter if she agrees with what you say about your kids; they are YOUR kids and what you say goes.

  • "It doesn't matter if she agrees with what you say about your kids; they are YOUR kids and what you say goes."  
    Yes, this is true and would be relevant if her mother were telling her how to raise her kids...but I fear we often forget that we cannot control how the rest of the world treats our children...and this only becomes more and more true as they grow.  The best thing we can do is to teach them how to manage their feelings & reactions when faced with less-than-ideal outside forces.  
  • QuazelQuazel member
    imageahill1889:
    imagebrideofaussie:

    imagencbelle:
    I just saw your post - I think you did the right thing.  I don't think adults think about treating kids with respect nearly enough - and like you said, if we don't model it, how will they learn??

    I agree with this.  Most adults treat kids like second-class citizens.

    I would have done the same thing.  Hell, I have stood up to my mother for much less.  You were right to do so.  I'm sorry she still doesn't understand.  Just be consistent and hopefully in time she'll come to respect your wishes.

    I completely agree.  Did you get her to apologize to DS?  It doesn't matter if she agrees with what you say about your kids; they are YOUR kids and what you say goes.

    Just saw your OP.  I totally agree with all of this.  You are totally not overreacting!  I am so glad you said something.  I love what you said too, the whole modeling thing is so important!

    FWIW, I think my IL's did a great job with their 3 children yet I can't believe some of the things they think are okay.  I guess it is a generational thing.

  • imageKHan79:
    "It doesn't matter if she agrees with what you say about your kids; they are YOUR kids and what you say goes."  
    Yes, this is true and would be relevant if her mother were telling her how to raise her kids...but I fear we often forget that we cannot control how the rest of the world treats our children...and this only becomes more and more true as they grow.  The best thing we can do is to teach them how to manage their feelings & reactions when faced with less-than-ideal outside forces.  

    While I do agree with this, and we do this with him when dealing with things like school and karate class and tiffs with friends, I feel that as part of his family, she should be a safe place for him, and she should treat him with love and respect and positive regard. He's going to run into plenty of people in his life who treat him rudely- the grandma who he loves and adores should not be one of those people. Neither of my grandparents ever treated any of us in this manner, nor did my parents treat us like this growing up. Like I said, I think some of it goes back to the him being a boy thing- they feel like they have to "toughen him up" or something- well, life is going to take care of that just fine, I'd rather him have a safe place where he can put down that armor and just be himself. With his family should be that safe place.

    ETA: I also think it would be different if she were a grandparent he didn't see very often- but she watches him often when DH and I work. I also think his age is a huge factor- if he were 8, I don't think I would have been as bothered by it. He acts like a "big boy" and looks like one, and I think it's very easy sometimes for people to forget he's only a little four year old.

  • imageTonya_G:
    imageKHan79:
    "It doesn't matter if she agrees with what you say about your kids; they are YOUR kids and what you say goes."  
    Yes, this is true and would be relevant if her mother were telling her how to raise her kids...but I fear we often forget that we cannot control how the rest of the world treats our children...and this only becomes more and more true as they grow.  The best thing we can do is to teach them how to manage their feelings & reactions when faced with less-than-ideal outside forces.  

    While I do agree with this, and we do this with him when dealing with things like school and karate class and tiffs with friends, I feel that as part of his family, she should be a safe place for him, and she should treat him with love and respect and positive regard. He's going to run into plenty of people in his life who treat him rudely- the grandma who he loves and adores should not be one of those people. Neither of my grandparents ever treated any of us in this manner, nor did my parents treat us like this growing up. Like I said, I think some of it goes back to the him being a boy thing- they feel like they have to "toughen him up" or something- well, life is going to take care of that just fine, I'd rather him have a safe place where he can put down that armor and just be himself. With his family should be that safe place.

    ETA: I also think it would be different if she were a grandparent he didn't see very often- but she watches him often when DH and I work. I also think his age is a huge factor- if he were 8, I don't think I would have been as bothered by it. He acts like a "big boy" and looks like one, and I think it's very easy sometimes for people to forget he's only a little four year old.

    I completely agree with you Tonya. Your family should be a safe place for him, and if he is wronged in that safe place, he absolutely deserves an apology. You can't control the way his friends and others will treat him in the future, but your family should be his refuge. Good for you for standing up for your son! 

    S- March 09 E- Feb 12 L- May 15


  • imageTonya_G:
    imageKHan79:
    "It doesn't matter if she agrees with what you say about your kids; they are YOUR kids and what you say goes."  
    Yes, this is true and would be relevant if her mother were telling her how to raise her kids...but I fear we often forget that we cannot control how the rest of the world treats our children...and this only becomes more and more true as they grow.  The best thing we can do is to teach them how to manage their feelings & reactions when faced with less-than-ideal outside forces.  

    While I do agree with this, and we do this with him when dealing with things like school and karate class and tiffs with friends, I feel that as part of his family, she should be a safe place for him, and she should treat him with love and respect and positive regard. He's going to run into plenty of people in his life who treat him rudely- the grandma who he loves and adores should not be one of those people. Neither of my grandparents ever treated any of us in this manner, nor did my parents treat us like this growing up. Like I said, I think some of it goes back to the him being a boy thing- they feel like they have to "toughen him up" or something- well, life is going to take care of that just fine, I'd rather him have a safe place where he can put down that armor and just be himself. With his family should be that safe place.

    ETA: I also think it would be different if she were a grandparent he didn't see very often- but she watches him often when DH and I work. I also think his age is a huge factor- if he were 8, I don't think I would have been as bothered by it. He acts like a "big boy" and looks like one, and I think it's very easy sometimes for people to forget he's only a little four year old.

     

    I better hear where you're coming from now.  Knowing that he gets a chance to solve issues with friends, etc, I agree its less of an issue to step in with family.  I was wrong in assuming that the interventions might apply to all relationships.  Also, if I knew a family member discounted my kid's emotions because hes a boy, that would bother me for sure.  

  • I'm just catching up on posts from the weekend & read your OP. ITA with the line of thought that ppl often discount kids' feelings & treat boys differently when it comes to emotions. You're a good mama for standing up for your son.
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