2nd Trimester
Options

Mother advice welcome....long vent

My mother and I have had a strained relationship my entire life.  She is the most critical and unsupportive person I have ever met.  This pregnancy has really resulted in alot of fights between us.  One being because my marriage is now non existant because DH couldn't keep it in his pants and she feels that "a baby shouldn't be brought into this world in this type of situation"...yeah, her words.  I can not help that I was pg when I found out that he was sleeping around...AGAIN!  But even with my DS.  He is going to be 13 in July and I can count how many times (on one hand) the amount of times he has actually spent at their house without me. I literally have to bribe my son to go there with out an attitude because he doesn't feel like a welcome grandchild in their house.  When her friends are around she is mother and grandmother of the year....So, I went for a visit today with my son.  Figured we could have a nice visit (what the hell was I thinking)  because all she did was *** at me because I am now a single parent, the OB put my on bed rest and under the care of a cardiologist and I am now having another child.  Um, I'm sorry....because I asked for all of that to happen?  Everytime I approach her about how she makes me feel all it does is turn into a huge arguement.  I mean it is so bad that I told my sister under no means is she permitted in the delivery room when I have LO.  She can come in after I have the baby but just her presence stresses me out.  I have thought about writting her a letter in a last ditch effort to try and mend what ever mother/daughter relationship we have left.  But I honestly feel that it isn't going to do any good.  I am hoping that maybe some of you ladies have dealt with some of these situations and might have some advice for me.....thanks for listening to my rants....

Re: Mother advice welcome....long vent

  • Options

    I have a lot of problems with my mom too. She will never accept me for who I am and the decisions I have made. You have enough going on in your life at this time between caring for DS, and a divorce/separation, PLUS being pregnant!!

    You are absolutely right- you did not ASK for any of this to happen! You do not need this stress in your life! I do the same thing with my mom- I call her up once in a while and then we get in a huge argument... (last time i called her because my baby isn't growing right (she has IUGR) and i was upset and needed some support... WELL, that started an argument how i shouldn't be having a baby in the first place!! HOW RUDE!)

    Honestly, I am at the point of just ignoring my mother. It makes me feel so much better because I'm not living up to her impossible standards! (I am a PT-student, a FT mom, and I work PT at home!) My mom "expects" me to work 30+ hours a week, get straight A's, and teach Brennan his ABCs and 123s... It's ridiculous I tell you! 

    The point is... You live your own life...You have other sh*t to figure out without dealing with her.  And then, in your own time, you can come back to her when your ready and tell her these things... and if she doesn't listen to you, then the answer is pretty simple-- Do you really want such a negative influence around your children??

    - - - - Wedding Countdown Ticker

    Visit The Knot! image image Visit The Knot!
  • Options

    That's awful, Sorry that you have been going through all of that. And honestly, doesn't your mother realize that everything else is enough, let alone having her be SO unsupportive? She should be your rock in this situation. I think that I would probably write her a letter. It gives you the time to get all of your thoughts down and be able to fully tell her how you feel. Hopefully that will help her realize what she is doing and change. If she doesn't, then sadly it seems as though she doesn't need to be closely involved in your life.

    I hope things work out for you. Stay strong during all the headache, remember that it's about you and your babies, and feel free to vent all that you want here on the bump!

  • Loading the player...
  • Options

    All I can say is (that hasn't been covered) you didn't choose your mother. Just because she is your mother does not mean you must have a relationship with her. Especially if it is dysfunctional and she adds no value to your life.

     

  • Options
    imagePunkyBooster:

    All I can say is (that hasn't been covered) you didn't choose your mother. Just because she is your mother does not mean you must have a relationship with her. Especially if it is dysfunctional and she adds no value to your life.

     

    This is a good point. 

    I'm so sorry you're going through this. I guess all you can do is tell her how you feel, be as nice to her as you can and take the high road...then if she's still not getting it, keep visits to a minimum and if she asks why you never see her tell her she's very unpleasant to be with. I hope it all works out though but just do the best you can and don't feel obligated to be her friend if she's not kind to you. 

  • Options
    imageluvpinsanity:

    I have a lot of problems with my mom too. She will never accept me for who I am and the decisions I have made. You have enough going on in your life at this time between caring for DS, and a divorce/separation, PLUS being pregnant!!

    You are absolutely right- you did not ASK for any of this to happen! You do not need this stress in your life! I do the same thing with my mom- I call her up once in a while and then we get in a huge argument... (last time i called her because my baby isn't growing right (she has IUGR) and i was upset and needed some support... WELL, that started an argument how i shouldn't be having a baby in the first place!! HOW RUDE!)

    Honestly, I am at the point of just ignoring my mother. It makes me feel so much better because I'm not living up to her impossible standards! (I am a PT-student, a FT mom, and I work PT at home!) My mom "expects" me to work 30+ hours a week, get straight A's, and teach Brennan his ABCs and 123s... It's ridiculous I tell you! 

    The point is... You live your own life...You have other sh*t to figure out without dealing with her.  And then, in your own time, you can come back to her when your ready and tell her these things... and if she doesn't listen to you, then the answer is pretty simple-- Do you really want such a negative influence around your children??

     

    I agree with PP! (Btw, you don't live very far from me, luvpinsanity!)

    My mother is a friggin' wreck, too! I know this sounds nuts, but seriously read the excerpts from this book...it hits TOO close to home for me. https://www.travelin-tigers.com/zlyn/bktoxic.htm

    I am wondering too if this is a generational thing??? We are all about the same age here right, so I am guessing our parents are, too? Who knows? Either way it sucks! :( I am sorry!

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Pregnancy Ticker
  • Options
    Thank you ladies!  It is a very difficult time right now and she just makes it worse when ever I do speak with her.  I think I am going to write her a letter.  Even if I don't give it to her atleast I will be able to get my thoughts and feelings out and hopefully be able to move on....with very limited interaction with her....you 2nd tri mommies rock!  Thanks again for all the support and advice...it is very  much appreciated! <3
  • Options

    imagejmepurple:
    Thank you ladies!  It is a very difficult time right now and she just makes it worse when ever I do speak with her.  I think I am going to write her a letter.  Even if I don't give it to her atleast I will be able to get my thoughts and feelings out and hopefully be able to move on....with very limited interaction with her....you 2nd tri mommies rock!  Thanks again for all the support and advice...it is very  much appreciated! <3

    Good luck, again! I wrote my mother a letter over two weeks ago (when she really flew off the handle at me...mind you I am her only daughter and pregnant for the first time...I have a brother who is 16 months older than me and he is married with 3 kids and 1 more on the way and she did this to him and HAS NEVER EVEN MET her grandkids...it's almost as if she doesn't want to be a grandmother, but before she stopped talking to me, she sure as hell loved to tell me how I should be raising my LO.) Sorry about that...anyway, she has yet to call or write back and my letter was 3 pages long. It was difficult to write but it was also heartfelt, sincere and out of desperation. Sometimes I think these "toxic parents" thrive on those helpless feelings. It is sad. Crying

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Pregnancy Ticker
  • Options

    And the saddest part of all is that my father calls me after every one of her episodes to apologize....FOR HER!  Ugh, it drives me bonkers.

  • Options
    This post just made me so sad:(  At a time like this you need your mom, between being pregnant and going through what you are with your marriage:(  If it does more harm than good, then I would totally avoid her right now. You don't need any added stress.  Good luck and stay strong!!!!!
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards
"
"