Advice needed re: friend's engagement

achase123

So my friend from work just got engaged this weekend.  I really want to be happy for her but about two months ago she and him were really going through some rough times.  She vented to me and now that's all I can think about.  I had my doubts before she shared their problems but after that I really had a hard time thinking that he is the right one for her (basically he doesn't sound like he communicates well, he has a history of getting in trouble with the law, substance abuse, he has been involved in some illegal activities since they got together, and she was venting about how they were fighting once a week).  He is only 24 so I think that some of it is immaturity (she is going to be 29 in July). 

I guess my concern is that she feels like her clock is ticking, really wants to be married and REALLY wants a family.  I just don't want to see her end up with a guy who isn't right just because she feels the need to settle down.

I know there isn't really anything that I can do except for hope for the best.  I didn't listen when people tried to warn me about STBXH.  I think I fear for her because she and I are so much alike, and her fiance reminds me a lot of STBXH.  Any thoughts on this?

inbetween

Are you good enough friends with her to be able to tell her the truth and chance her being mad at you, or not speaking with you?

I would be downright honest with her!

In reality, you don't need a man in your life anymore in order to have kids! It can be more expensive, but it all depends on what she's willing to do.

We all know that getting married to have a kid, or staying married for the kids is one of the worse things you can do!!

By the sounds of it, she's going to get married have kids, and then she's going to have some custody battle and trying to prove her husband uses drugs to keep him away. Yet, if she was okay with him doing drugs before/during their marriage, I'm not sure she would be able to hold it against him!!

Honesty, is the best policy.

fauxshelley

It sucks to see your friend going into a bad situation.  I really don't think there is anything you can say or do, unless you want to risk losing your friend.  Love is blind, and she will not see things the way you do. 

I'm sorry. 

peeps61308

It sucks to have to watch someone make the same mistakes as you did. My best advice would be exactly what some of my friends did for me. They simply told me that if it was what I really wanted they would support me. They all knew the issues that I had with EX and they had no trouble letting me know their opinion on the situation. That being said, they were nothing but supportive.

Angiesmommy

I was in the same situation with my best friend a while back. I decided to talk to her and ask her if she was sure and yada-yada-yada. In the end, she did what she wanted to do, got married, had a child. And now, they are going through marriage problems and I HATE the way he treats her. I'm always there if she needs someone to talk to, but looking back, I wish I'd have just been happy for her and shared in her excitement. As delusional as it was.

ladyaylena

The only way we learn from mistakes is by actually making them. 

First off, if you want to say something...go ahead, but you are putting your friendship on the line.  Rarely do people listen to what others say/think when it comes to their relationships. Quite frankly, even if I thought I were making the wrong decision, I would come to the defensive if a friend tried to tell me "he isn't the one for you."  Yeah, he may not lead a perfect life (or an ideal one) but does that mean he automatically doesn't deserve to be in a relationship with someone??  IMO, mind your own business.  Let her make her own mistakes.

achase123

ladyaylena:

The only way we learn from mistakes is by actually making them. 

First off, if you want to say something...go ahead, but you are putting your friendship on the line.  Rarely do people listen to what others say/think when it comes to their relationships. Quite frankly, even if I thought I were making the wrong decision, I would come to the defensive if a friend tried to tell me "he isn't the one for you."  Yeah, he may not lead a perfect life (or an ideal one) but does that mean he automatically doesn't deserve to be in a relationship with someone??  IMO, mind your own business.  Let her make her own mistakes.

Yah I agree with this and I won't say anything to her.  I know I was in this position once and didn't want to hear it.  I will just try to act happy for her and hope for the best!