Childcare situation not working out
summer80
member
I have been back to work for almost 2 months and I don't think our current childcare situation is working out. We have my MIL watch him 2x a week. She will not bend and go outside of her schedule, nor is she willing to watch him an extra hour if I have to stay late at work making it difficult for me to get things done and show my team I am there in a pinch from time to time. Then he goes to daycare 2x a week and the other day I am home with him.
My LO came down with pink eye in both eyes and an ear infection last week. We all got sick as a result, costing us unpaid time off from work (we are out of sick time) and expenses in medicine and doctor visits, on top of money lost by not using the daycare at all last week, I am seriously fed up. Everyone keeps saying the first year they will get sick a lot, well if it is to this extent than we literally can't afford to get sick. I feel the tension at work already building with my earlier hours and extra day off, I can imagine how happy they will be with me when I return to work after being gone a whole week. Plus if LO has a cold and we don't want to send him to daycare my MIL will not step in and that is very frustrating.
So, I think we are going to have to find alternate plans and we are considering hiring my sister who wants to get into childcare and is going back to school for teaching. I think she would do great, even with minimal experience, she has shown me she is willing and capable. At this point, I think it's about the quality of care he is getting and I am really disappointed with how things are turning out. I think with her I wouldn't have to worry so much about his next sickness, we'd save some money, and if I have to stay late at work it won't be a big deal. Anyone else find themselves changing their childcare situation after a few months of realizing it's not working or are my expectations to high?
Re: Childcare situation not working out
Are you paying your MIL? If you aren't, you are being unreasonable in thinking she'll stay late or work extra days. If you are, you might as well spend your money on a childcare provider who can meet your needs.
We have a nanny so I can't speak to the daycare situation but I have always heard that the first year of daycare is the worst in terms of illnesses.
Honestly, you are being unreasonable. Why should she give up an hour or two a week more to you and your family- she's already giving up 2 days of her life every week to take care of your child for free? If you have someone basically saving you alot of money and doing you a favor, you give up the right to control them somewhat because of the price.
She probably doesn't want to babysit - it always sounds easier in theory than in reality- and she might feel weird working for you and her son. And the "for the love of her grandson" argument is lame. She certainly loved him and/or her son enough to agree to work a tough job for free, something I would never do (and I'm sure other moms on her agree with that). I'm sure she loves her grandson but she probably also realizes there is a balance between taking care of him and being your slave.
You're in no bind- you got free childcare for awhile and now you have to pay for it like most people do. At least when you pay for it, you have the right to demand that things be done your way.
I think I could have written your post! My LO is just over 11 months and he was in daycare three days, with MIL one day, and home with me one day. We were paying for full-time daycare but sending him to my MIL's one day (we didn't pay her) because she wanted to watch him one day but not all of the time. It did not work for us. MIL was not always available, he had a hard time transitioning between daycare and her house (we started this schedule when he was 3 months), and I felt like my MIL and I could not communicate at all about ways to make things easier for LO, which is not good when it is your child. She was also supposed to be our backup when he was sick at daycare but she wasn't always available on short notice and seemed really overwhelmed by it all and convinced he was sick all the time when he was perfectly fine.
We ended up hiring one of his daycare teachers to watch him at our house. It has been so much better. He naps literally hours more each day and it is so much easier on us. I also got sick of having to pack things for MIL's house and leave detailed written instructions. Anyway, I was really worried about making a change but it has been better. You have to do what is best for you and LO and MIL will have to live with it because you need full-time, reliable care. My LO now goes to ILs for a couple of hours each weekend, which I don't love since it cuts into our family time, and since he is having separation anxiety, but I am trying to keep the peace. I think you are right that MILs sometimes think they want to help and then realize it is too much or offer and then wish you hadn't said yes. For us, I think my MIL really does want to watch him one or two days but it just wasn't working.
I just read the other posts and agree there is something to be said for paid help. I didn't feel like my MIL was doing us any favors since we were paying for full-time care. But, when it is not family and when you are paying, you can be very clear about what you want. As long as your sister understands it is a job and that she needs to follow your instructions, you should be fine.
My mom watches my son during the day, she hurt her back really bad last month and we were in a serious bind. Luckily my SIL is unemployed and offered to watch him for cheap. I agree that if someone offers to help by offering childcare for free than they also need to understand that things happen, hours run late, kids get sick etc. I don't think you are being unreasonable and to watch a child you must be flexible. My mom has always been very flexible (she offered to watch him for free because she just wants to spend time w/ him), if I am running late she completely understands. I make sure not to take advantage though.
Anyway, I think it sounds like a much better situation to have your sister watch him. It sounds like your MIL is overwhelmed and the inflexibility could be her way of frustrating you to the point of finding other care. GL!
High drama! So if you are stuck in traffic, what does she do, drop him off at your doorstep in a basket?
"Anyone else find themselves changing their childcare situation after a few months of realizing it's not working or are my expectations to high?"
I agree with the others. Your expectations are too high. Sounds like it will be better for everyone for MIL to be a grandma and not "help"
I guess it could be all in the attitude of expectation, but it sounds like most of you have sucky MILs (sorry), or I guess I have a great one. PP doesn't sound unreasonable to me.
My MIL watches my sons one day, and while I wish she would stick to my schedule more strictly, I know she is the grandma so I let it go a little bit.
But certainly I wouldn't expect her to complain about my being late unless she had dinner plans, golf plans, etc. No, we don't pay her, yes, she's doing us a favor, but she enjoys having more time with her grandsons. Sometimes I call on my way home from work and she says, "but I'm not ready for them to go home! We still have things to do."
I hope this doesn't sound snotty. But, if your budget is cut so close by getting sick, perhaps you should return to full-time (5 days a week)? Then, you'd be making 20% more. Hopefully, you make enough money, so this covers daycare for the year. I know when DH and I were talking about work for me, we thought about going to a 4 day work schedule for me, but it just didn't make any sense. Most centers or in home daycares still charge you for 5 days, so you don't save any $$ in daycare. Yes, having the extra day with LO is nice. But, honestly, I'll be a better mom not pinching every penny. Just not my style.
BTW, your MIL should try to be a bit more flexible. Does she drive a long ways each day to taake care of LO? Could you offer to pay her in exchange for some flexibility? Or meet her halfway? Can your DH talk to her?
Thats where I think you're being unfair. She can love her grandson more than anything, but that doesn't mean that she wants to start living her life based around her grandson.
Now, don't get me wrong- I understand why you want more flexibility. I fully do. And it would be nice if she was. But - she isn't.
To that note - you pegged what my thougths were. I dont' think she REALLY wants to be "daycare". Yes, sure, it would be nice for her to be upfront, but I also wonder what her side of the story is to how she was asked, why she said yes, etc. Specifically because of the expectations YOU have placed on her as being a "grandmother". I just have this feeling that SHE may have felt a certain degree of pressure to do this.
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ITA with this. Grandparents do not have to help, period. Some do and some don't. I can tell you that never in a million years would I volunteer to be free daycare for any grandkids I have. Because of this, it would never even occur to me that a family member didn't "love" my child because they didn't want to babysit for no pay.
It sounds like she doesn't want to babysit or you need to pay her. It's probably much more work than she expected; I don't think grandparents remember how hard it is with a baby (at least my don't).
For me, mixing family and "work" situations (like regular babysitting) just does not work. There are always some expectations that are different and I find it just causes a lot of stress. My family does babysit on the weekends when needed or last week when DH & I were both out of town, but it makes it more fun for them when it's not a regular occurrence.
This is unreasonable of you to expect. A daycare would charge you if you were late. Charge you a lot - $5/minute. This is her time and you are taking up a lot of it. Perhaps if you didn't use her so often for childcare, she would be willing to step in when you really need it. But she probably feels a bit used.
Ditto this. Any any nanny would have to be paid overtime as well, time & a half where I live. And frankly, I have never been late to pick up my child.
Can you afford FT childcare?
LOL!! My thoughts exactly.
Yes, you are being too demanding. Offer to pay your MIL if you like her care that much. If you don't, then just pay to put your kid in a full time daycare center. She's not doing you a "favor", she is providing free daycare 2 days a week, those are two seperate things.
I think this is one of the places you are running into trouble. I am sure she loves her Grandson but childcare is your responsibily - not hers.
My MIL stated fromt he beginning that she will never watch my boys alone b/c she said she can't handle it. (Even though she raised 4 kids of her own and watches my SIL's 2 kids)
It frustrated me at first and is tough b/c we have no other family close by. But I had to realize that it is not her job to watch my kids and it doesn't mean she doesn't love them.
I think the other issue is that you are complaining about free childcare. If you want more flexibility then I think you have to pay for it. Stuck in traffic can happen to anyone but you mentioned being a team player at work and that is a change in your schedule that you can control.
Thanks ladies. I love this board and respect all of your opinions. But in my defense I never forced my MIL into this she essentially volunteered, if she didn't want to do it or doesn't want to do it she is a grown woman and can say no. You can't blame other people for your actions. I think I know the story best and unfortunately that can't be conveyed here. I don't know how saying "once in a blue moon, I'd need her to stay late" came across on here as me implying I need to stay late all the time. She has never had to do it yet and we only asked her once! I was able to find someone to come relieve her that day.
Also, FWIW she hasn't watched my LO in two weeks. So can we erase the poor abused MIL picture that's been created and focus on what I said originally. I don't think I am being unreasonable to feel that once on a very rare occasion I might have to work late, I am sure all of us do. Is it unfair to ask her to help me out when that happens? No. Can she say no? Yes, she is entitled, but then I am entitled to say no to Sunday dinners at her house if I don't feel like going, right? But some of us suck it up and do it because it's family, we love our family and want to help out (hence for the love of her grandson statement) when we can and know it's genuinely needed. I never was looking to take advantage, I never asked her to stay late so I could go get a mani and pedi and have dinner with friends.
FWIW, I guess I was just raised with a different set of grandparents.
I think maybe your MIL didn't realize how much work she was getting into...and like the pp have said, if your child was in FT daycare, they don't care if you are busy at work and are running late. Maybe she did volunteer for this, but I think it is time for you to find other childcare options.
Sounds like the best thing for her to do is to be more of a backup option.
FWIW, my son gets sick some, but it comes with the territory in the first year of daycare. Sorry.
ditto this exactly! op doesn't sound unreasonable at all, her mil does.
my inlaw's watched Carson the first 1.5 yr for free because they wanted to. while i stuck to my schedule of pick up and drop off times... they had no issue whatsoever if i was running a little late. it's family - not an employee clocking in and out.
This. I helped my sister and BIL out a lot and I really enjoyed it but when you begin to be taken advantage of you resent that you were willing to do it in the first place. There needs to be mutual respect in a situation like that. This is the reason DH and I are not going to have my sister watch our LO.