Sensitive kid issue: WWYD?

serendipityRox

I have a very close family member who's daughter seems to have enough "small" issue/delays that together have me becoming a little concerned about her development. If it were my kid, I'd had scheduled an appointment with the pediatrician a long time ago. That being said, it's not my kid. 

Mom works in special ed and although the Mom has mentioned a few little things that lead me to believe she may be concerned (i.e. "I'd like X to be speaking more but it's not like X would qualify for special ed.") she seems to diminish other markers that something might be up (difficulty interacting with others, impulsiveness, markedly delayed vocabulary, etc). 

My FIL actually made a passing remark to Mom about X's delayed speech and I know Mom was very hurt by it.

With all that being said, I feel a sense of responsibility to guide Mom in the right direction but I also don't want to cross a very sensitive boundary that could affect our relationship. DH says not to mention anything at all---that it would seriously affect our relationship with their entire family. On the other hand, I've work with students with special needs and I know the earlier the issue is addressed, the better.

So, WWYD? 

amyfelice

I would never say a thing unless she asked me. She has a pediatrician who should be helping her, she has expertise in this area and is clearly ignoring the signs, and someone has already said something which was not well received. She doesn't want to hear it, isn't ready and is in denial.  No good can come from another comment. If she wants her assistance, she'll ask for it. 

Celyn

She doesn't want to hear it, so she won't hear it no matter how sensitive your approach is.  Unfortunately, I've seen it a lot.  The parents of one of Ryan's classmates actually pulled him out of the school when their teacher gently suggested that he be tested.

Celyn

And just to touch on pediatricians.  I'm not sure what the deal is, because I love my ped and trust his advice on most issues, but he still doesn't think I needed to pursue anything for either Ryan or Aaron.  He only sees them for 15 minutes a few times a year.  His marker checklists are too vague to catch things on the "high functioning" end of the spectrum, so he dismisses Ryan's behaviours as "precociousness" and he was confident that Aaron's speech would "catch up" without EI (whereas EI estimated Aaron was significantly delayed enough to qualify for weekly therapy).

Mrs.K&C

Ditto Celyn on the pedi issue. But, I still wouldn't say anything as she's not ready to hear it. It's a pretty tough situation for a parent to be in (I've been in it twice) and it is very sensitive - and that's coming from someone who has been very proactive in getting DD therapy...but it's still not easy to get to that place. For some reason, it's not at all uncommon for parents that work with children with delays (special ed teachers, EI specialists) to refuse to see the signs in their own kid. It's tough, but I do think it would really damage your relationship and unfortunately, she probably would still not get her daughter help.

serendipityRox

Thanks for the thoughtful advice. I really appreciate all the feedback, especially from those who have been in similar situations with their own children.

You guys are right on the money---she's not ready to hear it and it shouldn't come from me as it WOULD affect our relationship. I'll be keeping my lips sealed but hoping that she finds her way soon.  

danandkelly

I have a friend who's daughter is the same way, she has a LOT of the signs of being on the spectrum but the parents have chosen to ignore it.  A few people have mentioned things to the parents but it only offended them and they didn't take the comments or advice well.

So I've chosen to say nothing, she is their child and it is their choice to get help or not.  they aren't doing anything to harm her...they're certainly not doing anything to help her either, but it really isn't my place to say anything.

So if I were you, I wouldn't say anything, especially since the mom is a special ed teacher, she knows the signs.  It's likely that she sees them and is just unwilling to deal with it because she just can't wrap her head around her child having a disorder.

amyfelice

Interesting about the pediatricians. We do extensive screening and my problem is usually the opposite, getting parents to make calls and respond to referrals. 

I also have learned that the most effective screen is asking the parent "do you have any concerns about your child's development?" so if you were concerned about your children, that should have been enough to warrant the pedi's involvement. I'm sorry that my colleagues are not doing their job properly, because monitoring development and social emotional issues is a huge part of what we are supposed to be doing.  

futrkingsley

It does sound like your family member is not ready to talk about it. But I wouldn't want everyone to assume others aren't.   

I had concerns about my son's development as you all know.  My SIL is a teacher with a Master's degree and is now a special ed teacher.  I openly talked about my concerns about C in our family and she was the only one who encouraged me to get him tested.  I appreciated the support.

But behind my back she told others she thought C was on the spectrum.  Why she didn't tell me that I'll never know.  I couldn't and wouldn't have done anything differently (I self referred to Ei and he was evaluated by a dev pedi and other specialists too), but I would have appreciated her telling me what she really thought -- it's not like I was in denial that he had issues.