I think the whole point of AP is missed quite often...WDYT?
goodheartedmommy
member
I think there are major misconceptions, and I was guilty of them myself with my first or second kid. I think many of us take it to mean codependence. This isn't meant as a flame to anyone at all--but the exersaucer thing. I don't get how it has become so anti-AP by itself. It's just plain bad parenting to leave your child in it all day every day, but 20 minutes in the exersaucer is not anti-AP. Having a non-co-sleeping child is not anti-AP. AP just gives your child a healthy attachment so they can become independent individuals. I see way too many moms beating themselves up on here, when in reality you have to step back and relax.
Sorry, just needed to get it out. I hate seeing moms beat themselves up and have horrible guilt all the time. It's just not worth it.
Re: I think the whole point of AP is missed quite often...WDYT?
I think the whole point of parenting is missed quite often. I think every mom wants to be the perfect parent. Think of all the ways parents try to measure their success...weight percentiles, STTN at an early age, meeting milestones early, etc. I think it's normal to want to do the best for your kid, but I always try to remember that I don't have to be the perfect parent. I just have to be a good one.
You shouldn't beat yourself up for any parenting choice because in the end, we all just do what's best for our unique families. The real reason that we still cosleep and BW is not because I want to follow AP principles. I do it because otherwise my 2.5 year old is a clingy, whiny mess all day. Seriously. I actually forced her back in my bed after a week of sleeping on her own. I work FT. She tells me how much she misses me at the end of the day. She tells me that she wants extra cuddle time. This just works best for my family. It doesn't work for others and that's ok.
I am on here quite a bit and have never seen anybody flame someone for using a stroller. I consider myself AP and I use a stroller, used the swing and let my dd watch Baby Einstein. I have never though twice about using any of those things.
"Just keep swimming, just keep swimming..."
Hmmm..I think this board is actually the opposite of this. I find that most here are very pro "take from AP what works and discard the rest." This is the reason I like this board.
Perhaps you didn't see the baby bjorn debate from last week.
I do think there are a lot of people on here who are "give and take" with the AP concept, but there are a lot of random posts of AP martyrdom. I'm not really judging at all, because I've definitely been the AP martyr mom in the past. I think for the most part, this board is really awesome and helpful. It's great to have somewhere to get advice from like minded moms, I'm just saying that some people take it to an extreme, and that extreme is just not a fun place to be.
Love these points. I think there is so much pressure to be the "perfect parent." I will totally admit that I sometimes (okay more than sometimes) put that pressure all on myself. We all try our best and that is what matters the most.
I agree with you that it's not a contest and not about being a "perfect mom" - I think this board does a pretty good job of balancing that.
As for the bjorn post...I admit the whole "carrier snob" thing came off sounding more than a little "elitist" (although I think that most of us did not intend for it to be that way - just like some folks call themselves "shoe snobs" or something silly like that).
BUT the bjorn is not a safe carrier for extended use. Just like you noted in the post below that a particular brand of booster seat is deadly, many of us pointed out the dangers of the bjorn (since it's not ergonomically correct) when used more than lightly. Not to beat a dead horse but I think some people missed that point and took it to be about "being a better APer".
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I agree we shouldn't be so hard on ourselves, but for me, it does help to have some guidelines. I didn't have a good childhood and my parents were at best absent and at worse, abusive. So there is a lot I have had to learn and unlearn along the way. DH is very loving and nurturing, and had a very happy childhood, so he doesn't worry too much about what he does and feels he just loves DS and does what feels right. For me, I am doing my best and thankfully love DS so much, that I always want to cuddle with him and play with him. But I do question myself as to what is the best and how my choices today will affect him possibly his whole life. I want a secure attachment, but I don't want an enmeshed relationship. Anyways.
So I know there are no hard and fast rules, but I'm glad that I can learn about how other moms and parent educators raise their kids and what they think so it can help me sort things out when I don't know what I should do.
ITA with your post, and I do see posts on here about moms stressing about doing something that isn't considered AP (even though half the time, whatever they are talking about isn't part of AP anyway...like CDing, for example).
However, I think the majority of posters on this board are very 'do what's best for you and your family, regardless of what's considered AP' minded.
I don't recall seeing anyone flaming people for using a stroller (even in the Bjorn post, but don't get me started on that clusterf*ck again). But every now and then I do see people getting defensive about using strollers and trying to justify stroller use, which is just silly. Whether you use a stroller or not doesn't matter in the least in regards to your 'level of AP'. AP is about forming a close attachment and bond with your children, and babywearing is just ONE tool that people use to form that attachment...not the ONLY tool, by any stretch of the imagination.
Maybe there's a problem with labeling different parenting styles.
I think I'm pretty AP, but I don't walk around calling myself that. I don't co-sleep because my DD sleeps much better by herself (we did try co-sleeping and it completely messed up her schedule). So I guess some people may say I'm not AP because of that, but oh well!
I do what I feel is best to form/have a strong bond with my children.
I'm not familiar with the back story on this, but I agree with you. Before I knew what AP was, I took it to mean codependence. But, it's understandable because the word "attachment" can have a negative connotation if you picture an older child literally always attached to his/her parents. Maybe it should be called nurtured parenting, or something like that. To me, that's what it is.
However, I think some people who use AP do take it to the extreme and get a bit too judgmental if others don't do exactly what they do. I don't co-sleep, but I do practice a lot of other AP-related things, and I tend to relate more to the AP crowd than others.
You know what I think it is? Those dang nest badges. All of a sudden you are defining yourself as a "cloth diaperer" or "disposable diaperer". Or "co-sleeper" or "crib sleeper" or whatever. (Not that there are badges for all those but you get my point hopefully) Its like choosing a team. Whatever happened to "I do different things different times" or "i do what works"? Where is that club?
Wow, I didn't think David laughing at the sunshine would be such a hot topic, lol.
For the record, my post was more of a "huh, parenting surprises you sometimes" post than guilt. Kind of like pacifiers - many people are against them completely until they become parents and then they find out just WHY they're so popular. That was my experience with the exersaucer. Just like a pacifier, I thought they were awful... until I put my son in one and discovered that they're popular for a reason.
So, I didn't cry myself to sleep over the exersaucer. I reserved that for breastfeeding failure and having to work full time. And even then, I remind myself that being a good mommy is NOT about breastfeeding or staying home, co-sleeping or babywearing or any of that. It's about loving your children, putting them first, and making their needs important in your life.
That and it was an excuse to show off my super-cute man grinning at the sunshine!
I'm glad to hear this. I honestly thought you were beating yourself up.
If you realize that your baby sleeps better by herself, than you are very AP in my eyes. To me, a lot of AP is about listening to your LOs needs & nurturing those needs. My DS sleeps like crap at night unless we bedshare, your LO sleeps better on her own. Two different babies, two different needs, & both of us listen to & respect that.
We actually set out to be AP lite & ended up being more than that, but that's because Ari wouldn't let us get away with anything less & it works for us. You parent the child you have, not the one you thought you would have.
And
to the OP.
Yeah. There does seem to be a competition on here some days. And not necessarily with other moms but for some bizarre ideal that isn't possible.
A mother who never puts her child down is no more AP than a mom who puts Jr in the bouncy seat so she can have a hot meal or take a hot shower. Or heck, do her damned nails!
That was entirely a message of exclusion and ignoring other women. It may not have explicitly said "bad parent." But it jumped right on the line and spat on it.
I agree with most of your post, but I don't necessarily agree with this. I think AP does more than this. Research shows that especially in the newborn stage, AP principles such as co-sleeping and babywearing/holding baby very frequently provide biological/physiological benefits to the baby. I practice several AP principles because I feel that it is healthier for my baby and my family, in more ways than just providing "independence." I was actually never that concerned about independence. I do definitely hope that my baby becomes a confident individual, but I also hope that attachment principles beyond the newborn stage will help him develop his own attachments later in life with his wife, children, friends, etc. I also hope that practicing attachment parenting principles will keep him attached to us (his family and extended family) throughout his life. Not dependent on us in the just-play-video-games-all-day-and-never-get-a-job-type-of-way, but in a way where he feels like he can always depend on his family and we can have a mutually beneficial relationship through our lives.
I feel like AP principles provide him with a foundation of good health, both emotionally and physically. During these early years, I also feel like co-sleeping, or sleeping near him allows me to protect him. I realize that it is probably unlikely that my house will be broken into, but I feel so much more comfortable at night knowing that he is near me and I can protect him. I feel very vulnurable with him across the house in a room by himself. This is just an instinct thing that I can't shake. It just doesn't feel right to have my baby across the house in another room.
Anyways - when I read the post title and it said you thought the point of AP is missed, and then you said that it just gives them a healthy attachment so they can be independent - I didn't agree with that. You might find other benefits to AP that you didn't list here, but if the point of AP is just to give the child independence, then I guess I miss the point, too. I think AP is much more than giving a child independence. I think independence/confidence is one aspect, but not the entire picture.
However, I do agree with you that moms shouldn't feel guilty or beat themselves up over things like 20 minutes in an exersaucer or swing (I used many plastic "baby holders" regularly). I do think a healthy skepticism of those products is acceptable, too, though.
Sorry for the late post on this - I saw this yesterday but my stupid laptop wasn't working properly so I couldn't type my response.
Reaching for what?
Like I said in my post, you may find other benefits to AP that you didn't discuss, but you stated that AP "just" gives your child a healthy attachment... etc. (as I quoted). The way I read your post, it looked like you believed that was the point of AP. I was stating that I didn't agree, and that I find there are other benefits of AP.
It's reaching Eco. You're taking something literally that wasn't meant to be and now jumping all over it. 5 paragraph response to 'just' was silly.
She didn't mean that.
Seriously, what am I reaching for? The way I read her post was that she believes the whole point of AP is to give your child independence. I don't agree with that. I think a healthy skepticism of things like the exersaucer are AP related because I believe AP principles also are health related.
Like I said, I agreed with the majority of her post except for that statement. I also stated that she may believe AP has other benefits that she didn't list. I wasn't jumping all over anything. She asked if the point of AP is missed quite often. That was my response. I do actually think the point of AP is missed, but maybe in a different way than she does.
I will keep my response to 4 paragraphs or less from now on.
This is so very true. You know, I know we've clashed a lot on these boards but I've been nodding along with your posts a lot recently. Clearly this means I'm going insane. ;0)
I think the point is lost a lot on here. It's ok. We're all still struggling to figure it out. But amidst rants and raves 4-5 paragraphs long, stop and think. Sometimes I think its a good idea to put the books down, and just think.
I struggled with that for years as an AP mom. Having a child who didn't allow for strict AP practices, along with having to learn to really balance everyone in the family, has helped me to really figure out a healthy, happy medium. You know me, I was about as rigid of an AP mom as there could possibly be--and it just wasn't working. I stepped back and re-evaluated what it was that I was looking for in AP, the end goal--and realized that I was actually working towards an entirely different goal--one that I really don't want to achieve. It's really easy to turn AP into permissive, dependent parenting, and they most certainly are NOT the same thing.
Glad to hear that. I know. It's so hard. I found myself pouring over books until my husband looked at me and said "ok, what do you WANT to do?" And I was like 'oh.' Studies, research, blah blah blah. It was about what I wanted with Jo. The relationship, the respect. If you live and die by the AP rules you can actually hurt yourself in the process. No one can be attached while they are riddled with guilt, struggling to meet unattainable standards and second guessing every move.
Hey you're way farther along this path than I am so its good to hear its working for you with your 3. I think I'll be more relaxed with the next one. At least i hope so.
Also, part of my thesis is about the wave of parenting literature which replaced the ideas that women had instincts. Sort of the "science of motherhood" where everything was rooted in studies and eugenics. Its very very interesting that turn of the century literature about bad mothering mimicks that of the new movement against "baby holders." The literature, when compared is astonishing. And believe me, its not a good thing. It was a time when women were berated and put down over every decision. Scary times and not beneficial to children in the slightest.