So sad — The Bump
Secondary IF

So sad

Some of you may have seen in my weekly update that I got a BFP last week. I wasn't feeling very pregnant the past couple of days, so yesterday I took another CBE digitial test (at around noon). It was still positive.

Then last night I got up to pee and there was bright red blood in the toilet. The bleeding hasn't been heavy since then, but still more than you want to see. My temp is still also still up, which is strange, but I'm not sure if that's what happens when you're M/Cing. I'm not scheduled for BW until Thursday, and of course I'm supposed to leave tomorrow for a work trip unitl then (haven't decided what to do about that yet). 

Whatever the case, this is definitely not something I ever experienced with DD, and I'm fairly confident it's over... or on it's way to over. I'm just crushed (obviously). I felt all weekend like a huge weight had been lifted, and now it has come crashing back down, twice as heavy. It was just enough time to get excited. Just enough time to tell our parents and siblings. Just enough time for my twin sister and I to imagine what it will be like to have babies a month apart. Of course I knew that there was a chance it wouldn't last, but no matter how much you try to reign it in it's thrilling to see a BFP when it's all you've thought about for the last year and you can't help but get ahead of yourself.

I just feel like such a failure -- to myself and DH and to Lanna. From my pregnancy complications the last time, to my struggle to get pregnant this time and now adding a MC on top of it... I feel like the world's most incapable mom. I know that being a mom is more than giving birth, but no matter how much I try I seem to get a Big Fat Negative in the pregnancy category.

Anyway, sorry for the novel. I know I'm not very well known here, but if you've got some spare prayers, we could use them.

Re: So sad

  • I am so sorry. I hope it's not the worst.
  • I am so incredibly sorry that you are going through this!!!  But please do not doubt your mothering abilites because of IF.

    Best of luck to you :))

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  • imagejerseymomma:

    I am so incredibly sorry that you are going through this!!!  But please do not doubt your mothering abilites because of IF.

    Best of luck to you :))

    Ditto this.  My IF has never made me doubt being a great mother.  Just because someone CAN get pregnant easily (what I consider easy now is in less than 12 months with little intervention) doesn't mean they should or that they are good mothers.  I know some people IRL that fit that description.

  • Thanks you guys. I know, I definitely don't want to imply that IF makes you a bad mom! Giving birth doesn't necessarily even make you a real mom -- I've seen that IRL myself. For me personally though, I felt like I was failing in my last pregnancy when I was diagnosed with incompetent cervix. I guess once you've been labled "incompetent" it kind of makes you see things differently. And what has happened since we've started TTC#2 has made me feel even worse :( 
  • JMayJMay member

    I am so sorry - my heart goes out to you.  T&Ps headed your way...


    "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming..."

    Miracle DD born 12.2005
    TTC #2 since Dec 2008 w/ PCOS
    ***P/SAIF Always Welcome***

    Keep it Natural, Baby!
  • Oh sweetie hang in there!  Try to keep your chin up.  Lots of prayers and vibes to you!
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    "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming..."
  • hope4ushope4us member
    I'm so sorry!  My thoughts and prayers are coming your way!  Hugs!
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    TTC #2 since Nov '07
    Tried 4 cycles of Clomid, TI, Gonal-f, and IUI's - all BFFN's
    Both tubes removed Nov '09
    Low AMH = 0.3
    IVF #1 for Feb '10 - cancelled due to poor response - Gonal-f and Repronex
    IVF #1.2 for June '10 - Gonal-f, Menopur, and micro Lupron
    ER - 6/19 (2 retrieved), ET - 6/22 (1 transferred with ICSI), Beta 7/5 = BFFN
    IVF #2 for Nov '10 was cancelled due to poor response - Follistim, Repronex, and micro Lupron
    IVF #2.2 for Feb '11 - Gonal-f, Repronex, and Ganirelix
    ER - 2/24 (8 retrieved), ET - 3/1 (2 transferred with ICSI), froze 3, Beta 3/11 = BFFN
    FET - 4/19 (3 transferred), Beta 4/28 = BFP, EDD 1/4/12
  • Some people get early bleeding and it turns out to be due to other things and the baby turns out okay. Try to have some hope. 

    I am very sorry if it does turn out to be the worst. I will be thinking of you. I do know how you feel when your body fails you and you just feel so horrible for having to put yourself and family through all this infertility stuff. 
    Our Girls
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    "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming..."
  • ((((hugs)))) I hope everything is ok. :'(
  • Also, try to remember that westernized medicine is really about making the patient at fault (so then, in turn, its not the doctor's care that can be questioned). "Incompetant" cervix is such a bull sh!t term - its their way of randomly plucking a word (which most docs use now) without realizing or caring about its implications. Same with "Failure to progress" - what a wonderful thing to tell a mama working hard in labor - "you're a failure"....

    Westernized medicine, on the whole, isn't soul-centered. It isn't patient centered. It's fear-of-lawsuit centered and very male-centric.

    Now, all of that said, I do pray that this is just a bump in the road. I bled cups and cups and cups at 16 weeks without any complications. I bled lightly at 12 weeks for about a week. Both in the same PG. H4M is right, this happens. A lot of women don't even know they're PG for much longer than us obsessive pee'ers because they get light spotting and chalk it up to a light/weird period.

    Remember, if your beta is over 1500, you can see something on u/s most times. I'd ask for one to ease your mind.
  • I am so sorry.  I will be keeping you in my good thoughts and prayers.
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  • Thank you everyone... I really appreciate your thoughtful responses. It helps to hear from people who can relate.
  • Just remember that bleeding doesn't always equal m/c, there could be a lot of reasons for this. Is there any way you can get in for a u/s?
  • Hugs!! I hope everything turns out to be ok. Prayers said.
    DD born 8/24/07
    TTC #2 since 4/09
    Unexplained Secondary IF
    4 failed rounds of clomid ~ 4 failed IUIs ~ 1 m/c
    2/3/11: IUI #5 - Femara/Follistim/Ovidrel/Crinone = BFP (2/14)!!!
    Beta #1 (12dpiui): 53 Beta #2 (14dpiui): 203 Beta #3 (20dpiui): 3932 Beta #4 (28dpiui): 60,775
    1st U/S (3/3): 2 sacs & yolks 2nd U/S (3/8) 2 heartbeats-TWINS!
    Baby A:6w6d HR 131 Baby B:6w4d HR 124
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    TWINS!! EDD 10/25/2011
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  • I'm so sorry. I hope everything ok!
    Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all." -- Dale Carnegie DS: Born 2007 TTC #2- Diagnosed with secondary infertility, after 18 months and failed IUIs, we achieved success with IVF #1 DD: Born 2011
  • LuckyHLuckyH member
    I hope everything goes okay with your beta. Update when you can.
    imageimageimageimage m/c at 8w4d - 10/2/09 baby girl Ruth Elise
  • Hoping it turns out to be ok! 
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  • I hope everything turns out okay. FWIW I bled a massive, bright red clot the day before I got my positive beta.  It was so much that I was convinced it was AF coming early.

    Don't doubt your mothering, if you weren't a great mom you wouldn't be working your uterus off trying to have another one.

    Married 9-4-04

    ***PM me for my IF history***

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  • (hugs) My sister had pretty significant bleeding at the beginning of her pgcy, and felt positive that she was going to lose the baby. It ended up letting up, and she's now about 17w. I hope and pray the same happens for you.

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