Paying for college
I was just reading through some of the old posts, and Ilumine's post caught my eye about her having to return to work instead of staying home with Monks so that SS can have college money, etc.
Where is the childs responsibility in any of this? Why are kids these days not getting loans, grants, any free/reduced tuition that they can??
Granted, I was blessed to have my education paid for - but to see parents struggling really gets me. If the parents can help, great - they should. But they should NOT be required to do so, etc. Child support often times will require the NCP to pay for college (ours is until 23 regardless of college) and what gets me is that MARRIED parents aren't required to do this, why is it only NCP parents?
If you can help the child in any way (books, meals, etc.) that is great but I don't think that people should go into such debt because they feel they "have" too.
What are your thoughts on this? Not trying to get flamed if you don't agree... I was feeling well today and thought I'd hope on here and post - I miss you ladies.
Re: Paying for college
Pretty much everyone tells you not to put away a single cent for a child's education until you're maxing out savings for your own retirement.
We recently got some inheritance, and a portion of it was for the kids. So we used the money ($5k) to set up 529s for them.
At the same time, I asked my exH if he was willing to contribute to it. He agreed to contribute about $100/month. We also contribute monthly to both DS's fund and DD's fund.
It works out well for us, since exH isn't a saver...
By the time the kids are ready for college, their funds should be worth about $50k each. It won't be enough to totally put them through school, but it will help. They might get something else from their grandparents, but we won't be providing any additional financial support.
I 100% agree with this.
My thoughts are that your multiple posts whining about parents paying for college when you didn't pay your own way through school are, in short, annoying and slightly insane.
ITA
Im not whining, I was asking a question. If you choose not to answer, move on. I didnt pay my way through college because I was fortunate enough to have parents who could afford it without an issue. I'm asking about the parents that cannot afford it, the parents (like Ilumine) that need to return to work prematurely because of college fund issues, etc.
BTW, I paid for my graduate program if that makes me a little less "insane".
Really??? She is bored and in the hospital and we need to be call her annoying and slightly insane? Ugh, I thought we were past this. And while she might have had her college paid for she still has a step-child to worry about and even if she did not she could still have an opinion.
As for us, as you know my SD is a lot older than my little ones and DH never put any money away for her college either did BM. So if she went to school we would have helped her a little but it would have been mostly on her because we do not have the money to just fork over. As for the little ones we have a lot more time to save so we opened 529s and are putting money in monthly plus any money gifts given to them which is not a lot. If I got an inheritance which I really hope not b/c it would only be from my Mom then I would put most of that money into their 529s which would eventually cover most of their college but not all...they will have to cover the rest but we will help as much as we comfortably can. If they get scholarships then the money will be given to them when they are old enough, probably wedding or if they are buying a house...if they do not go to school and are successful then they will get the money or most of it but if they are slackers I am going on a round the world trip, lol...j/k but I am not giving the money to a slacker! As for SD, she is turning 21 this year and does not appear serious about going back to school even though she sometimes talks about it, she will be on her own if she does and maybe we will be able to afford a nice graduation present but she would do community college and at this point I cannot imagine more.
Ok, here's my take on it....
I think if the child is working full time and going to school and can't cover the whole thing the parents should feel obligated to help. Y? Because as parents it's our job to give our children the best opportunity at life possible. If I have to be tight on money so my children can graduate and start their adult life without being saddled with tens of thousands of dollars in loans, then so be it.
HOWEVER, that would be contingent on them maintaining a good GPA, maintaining some sort of employment to contribute, and staying out of trouble. I worked two jobs and went to school full time and my parents covered the difference, but I had the same rules as listed above.
As for NCP's being required by law to help with school, I think that depends.
When my parents got divorced, I was already in college and they had been helping me with school. Because they had already established that as a married couple they had every intention of helping with college, once they split they were both required to continue with me and with my sister.
I actually found out much later that the year my sister and I were both in school (my senior, her freshman) my mom lived on a budget of $30.00 a month after bills and gas. Now, had I known that, I might have gotten some loans on my own, but she said she didn't mind, because I was her daughter and she loved me and wanted the best for me.
So, long story short, I'm willing to work overtime and go into hock to get my kids through school, as long as they are willing to work hard and really want an education.
Thanks LittleJen
I appreciate it. I was really biting my tongue. This chemo has really let me loose and I really don't think she wants to know what I truly have to say. I'm trying to be a nice person.
Littlejen, the multiple posts I was referring to were about her preference not to pay for SD's education.
It's just too easy for someone who didn't have to work during their college career to determine that someone else should have to.
FWIW, I didn't have to work through undergrad or law school, and it's a burden I don't feel I have the right to impose on anyone.
I get your point I just think that the timing of your comments were very insensitive. You know the poster and what she is going through, she has been on here more than long enough that you could have let your feelings slide on this one.
As for imposing the burden on someone, my parents probably paid half my college, I lived at home and got my associates degree before my bachelors because I could not afford anything else. I worked around 20-25 hours a week plus full time during EVERY break including spring break. I am not bitter at all although I do hope that my kids can have the option to choose their school and profession without worrying about how to pay for it. I think everyone decides for themselves and hopefully makes the decision based on what they can afford.
So you are saying that OTHER people should have to put up with YOUR burden when they CANNOT afford something?
Obviously you and I were both very lucky that our families were financially able to afford to pay for our college educations. We were both lucky to not have to work during school, etc. FWIW - I CHOOSE to work during college (granted part time) but for spending money, etc. But if I knew that I was putting a financial burden on my parents (however they decided to define the word 'burden') I would have fully expected them to NOT foot MY bills.
Get off your high horse and quit feeling so entitled... What post was it where someone said what a freaking martyr you are. "I dont have the right to impose that..." Seriously? There are SO many ways to pay for an education - and if parents (God forbid!) cannot afford it, the parents are damn straight awful people? So all the ladies on here that will not be able to financially send their children to college AND law school are bad parents? We are all doing terrible things to our children?
You're unbelievable.
First off, you did ask for our thoughts.
Second, I'm not sure I understand your response. I didn't have to work. I don't think it would be fair to any of our children to tell them that they MUST work through college if it is possible to help them.
I've told you before I really can't comprehend your position regarding your SD, especially given that you were so privileged and don't know the experience from the otherside.
If your story were like Ria's, it would be easier for me to understand your position.
You didnt have to work because your parents were able to comfortable afford to pay for college + law school. Not all parents are able to do that, sorry. My position regarding my SD is that we are paying CS until age 23 - well out of college age. That CS can and should go to college. We cannot afford to go above and beyond. Life isn't fair... Just because it "it's not fair" that you to not have to work and your boys' would have to work - well, sometimes peoples finances are different. My parents finances are VERY different than mine and my DH's (wish it was different!! but it isnt). Our financial comfort is going down the shittter really quickly because of all the recent events.
I asked for thoughts because when I read the post a few down about Ilumine having to go back to work prematurely, etc. It just made me think about what others thoughts are on it. I don't know Ria's situation, I cannot comment on it.
When I asked for thoughts about it, I asked for just that. NOT for you to attack me. I barely freaking post on here - if you don't like my post, I suggest you go about your business and not respond to it.
DING DING DING.
You hit it on the head. IF IT IS POSSIBLE. Of course it is "possible" to help, hence why I gave examples of helping to pay for books, meals, etc. My grandfather sent me $20 every week to HELP me. But HELPING is very different than PAYING for the entire thing, especially if it is NOT FEASIBLE TO DO SO!
I think going to work so you can meet your parental responsibilities isn't out of the question, given your example case (Illumine). We might have different opinions of what is "possible."
Well then we will agree to disagree. Ilumine WILL be meeting her parental responsibilities!!! FOR HER DAUGHTER. She doesnt have an obligation to her SS - he has a mother AND a father.
J+R -
I know I already posted an answer, but since you asked for "thoughts", here are mine.
After bumping here for over a year, and seeing everything you have gone through, the decisions you were brave enough to make, and how strong you continue to be, I think you have the right to tell anyone you want to, to F*ck off.
But I know you won't, because you are a classy lady.
Just concentrate on getting better, and screw everyone else
Have a great night!
LOL thanks Gosse
The chemo has definitely made me "mean" but I'm trying trying trying to bite my tongue here!
I was told when I initially started chemo "Only fight a battle that you can win" and I really think that I am right on this fight! LOL.
You have a good night too!!
This is for J&A - HOW DARE YOU even insinuate that I have not lived up to my parental responsibilities. By doing so, means that EVERY SINGLE STAY AT HOME MOTHER is dead beat.
When we decided to get pregnant, knowing that we were going to have SS in our lives either living with us or having to pay child support, we budgeted to ensure that I would be able to be a SAHM. I PUT MY ENTIRE LAST YEAR'S SALARY INTO OUR SAVINGS ACCOUNT to cover that.
IN THAT BUDGETING, we included BM's assurance that she had been and was putting money away for SS. Come to find out she used that money to bring SS on a cruise this summer. But she will start back up again right after he leaves.
Mind you, she makes over $60k a year and lives in an extremely low COLA area (her how only cost her $120k).
So knowing that she has, four years out, NO MONEY for SS's education, DH is going to have to step up and cover HER costs.
Which means my daughter's money (the money that we agreed on before I stopped working) will be cut off for 4 years. And her share of the GI Bill will most likely go to SS too, since his outlook at getting scholarships is nill.
I DO believe that both parents should be financially responsible for THEIR children.
But here's the crunch, BM has yet to be financially responsible for her son for the last two years - no child support - refuses to pay for 1/2 his $1300 plane ride back (even though the CO requires it and she had agreed to it before we brought SS here) and has already made noises about not paying for SS's christmas trip.
And now I am going to have to go back to work, even though I put $40k away) to make sure that my daughter's education will be covered because SHE cannot budget, save and/or not pilfer her kids money.
And for you (J&A) to DISMISS this is as something I should already be doing is sad and belittling. I am sure that every SAHM will now run out to get a job because YOU think that it is the ONLY RESPONSIBLE WAY TO DO THINGS.
FYI Buttercup I haven't given you my "version" of Ilumine's story - she can do that so it is accurate.
ALL I F'ing SAID WAS: one of the previous posts made me think and I felt badly that Ilumine had to return to work prematurely because of her SSs college funding and I wondered what other people thought themselves about paying for college, etc.. I didn't give you a "story"
I stopped going to college a semester out of high school because I had no clue what I wanted to go to school for and couldn't justify or afford to go any longer w/ no direction toward a degree. I now wish to return to school and cannot afford to. I don't qualify for any grants so my only option is to apply for student loans. It sucks, but I'm fine with it.
My mom can't afford to send me to school and I would never expect her to burden herself financially for me. I am an adult, I support myself, and I will figure out a way to pay for my school as well. If the situation was different and my mom could afford to pay for my college and wanted to do so, I would be eternally grateful. Would I expect her to pay for it just because she could? Hell no.
BFP 11/23/10 MMC @ 7w3d Discovered @ 10w2d D&C 1/12/11
BFP 7/6/11 Our Lucky Charm born 3/5/12
Intact families are NOT REQUIRED to pay for college, while many NCP's ARE REQUIRED to pay for college-how is that fair, and or right?
These are the same people who in many instances have been paying large amounts of CS (much more than 1/2 of what it costs to support the child) for many years. Please, explain to me, and to everyone else here, how it is fair to REQUIRE anyone to pay for college. I don't care if you are a millionaire, or if you live paycheck to paycheck-intact family or blended. Why the double standard? Why is it ok to force a BF to pay for college and not force intact families to do the same?
This is not about how much money you have. If you have the money to pay for your kids to go to college, and they won't have to participate in helping to pay for it, then great. Good for you. Kudos. But the reality is the majority of people cannot do that. And many other people believe that holding the child (actually the ADULT) responsible for a part of their education will only make them appreciate it more, and work harder for it.
My last J&A thought because I've wasted enough time on her... LOL.
I like what Paris said about having the adult child appreciate the education. So J&A, let me understand this correctly, and if I am wrong - please tell me, which Im sure you will, you did not appreciate at all all of the money that your parents spent on your education.
They paid for you to go to undergrad AND law school yet you choose to not do ANYTHING with those degrees? Correct? So please explain how by them wasting thousands upon thousands of dollars for you to not use either. How is that fair?
The majority of court orders state that CS is until 18 unless the child goes to a higher education, then it continues through that.
This has nothing to do with our CO saying until 23 - I was just saying that is the main reason we are not going above and beyond for additional college support.
I dont like how married parents arent required to pay for college, yet God forbid the couple divorces/splits up/whatever the NCP is required to pay for college.
My support ends when my child graduates from high school... unless he gets married or goes into the military first. And as far as I know, my CO (with respect to support payments) is pretty standard for FL.
In any case, I agree that the requirement is pretty lame. While the merits of paying for an adult's college education are debatable, it is not in any way a parental obligation.
Yes. My parents' divorce/custody agreement stipulated that they had to split college costs.
I have worked as an attorney, J+R, and I fully intend to once again.
Thankfully my parents are VERY supportive of my decision to be a stay at home mom, as my children are much more important than my career. An education is never wasted, and I would have still attended law school even if I only ever continued to be a stay at home mom. How could I preach the importance of higher education to my children if I didn't put the work in myself?
No offense Internet. What I meant by that comment is that J&A feels that it would be in the childs worst interest to work and help pay for college. Where is the responsibility?
What if I decided to get my bachelors degree in accounting, another in nursing, and yet another in law. Then I decided to work at KMart. When is it the ADULT CHILDS job to help pay for education? Especially if they are choosing things because "who cares? Im not paying for it.?"
My cousin has been in school for 8 years working on her BS in Engineering... She graduated first in her class. Why? Because my grandfather has footed the entire bill - she has no responsibility and "likes college life" so why graduate?
I wasnt implying that being a SAHM is a waste in any way, I would love love love to have a change to do that if/when I become a mom, but due to finances that would never be possible... When I say about a degree wasted, what I meant was what I put just above.
I'm guessing that they order divorced parents and not married parents just because they can. Additionally, it's fair to say that if they can pay x amount in child support for 18 years, they can put that towards college for another 4 years. Logically it makes sense, but it kind of takes away parenting rights. My DH and I would do anything to pay for SDs college. My SIL thinks kids should pay their own way so they appreciate it. The order makes it basically "illegal" to teach your children values on this issue, which is pretty irritating IMO.
My son is in community college, I told him for the fall he needs to look into grants and anything else to help pay for school. I do what I can. His BF decided when he was 18 his parental responisbility was over, so in a nut shell, I have no help from him, with anything. Nice...
My DH and I need to have this conversation soon when it comes to his son. I know my SS BM won't pay for a cent, so I don't know what we'll do. We have 4 kids between us, so not sure how we'll do it! ugh!!
I'm a little late responding but agree that having the child pay some even if you can afford it is beneficial...case in point is my DH.
His dad certainly could have afforded his college, yet he has $60k in student loans (this includes BM loans b/c she did not work during college so he got her loans during divorce. Sore point for me as I paid for my own college and worked 3 jobs.)
So I asked DH why did his dad NOT pay for his college. He said that his dad offered, but DH refused to let him pay b/c he knew that it would have more value if he paid himself. My DH actually earned a PhD, paying for it himself while married to a lazy woman who wouldn't work.
DH stated that his brother's college was paid for by their dad, yet he never graduated and made C's.
So we'll be paying student loans for the next 25 years, so I'm not inclined to foot the bill for 2 step-sons college after all these years of over $1,400/month in CS and we'll still be paying for their mom and dad's college. Maybe we can help with expenses, but I doubt will have the resources to pay for it all.