NBR: Could really use some words of wisdom (long)
This isn't parenting related at all but you ladies all seem so level headed and smart and I could really use an objective opinion. In our neighborhood, everyone shares a fence with their bordering neighbors. In our case, we have one on either side, plus in the back we have two; the back wall of our fence is about 3/4 shared with one house and there is a smallish section shared with another house. The people who share the smallish section have approached us and their two other bordering neighbors to get permission to replace their fence with a new, higher quality board on board fence with steel posts. All the other fences are just regular board to board with wood posts. They are not only asking to change the fence that we share, but they want the posts on the outside, so they would be facing me. They have told us they want their fence to look totally uniform inside, which is one reason they are replacing it.
My initial reaction was no, because then I will be stuck with a fence that has one section which looks very different from the rest, and with the steel posts it will really stand out. Plus, I feel that even if we end up replacing our fence down the road, they will not be willing to let us make that section match ours, so our only option if we want our fence to look uniform is to build the same kind they are, which is pretty expensive. But DH is worried about making enemies of our new neighbors, and I admit I don't want to be the one who prevents them from doing what they want.
We had hoped the other neighbors might tell them no or the HOA wouldn't agree to it but apparently everyone else is okay with this plan. The main difference for everyone else vs us is that all the other neighbors will have one whole wall of fence replaced, while for us it will be only part of a wall. I made the mistake of asking my dad's opinion (DH prompted me to) and as I expected he is adamant that if we agree to this, we are letting ourselves be screwed over just to avoid a conflict with these people. My dad is not a very diplomatic person and he tends to get mad if I don't follow his advice; he already thought our fence looked like crap because the stains from the various sections don't match so I knew he would tell us not to agree. Now since I've told him about it, if I don't do what he "suggests" I'm going to have to listen to him every time he visits us and sees the non-uniform section of fence ( and my parents visit us several times a year). Plus I hate knowing he thinks we are being wimps and I hate knowing he probably thinks DH is a wimp. But my DH actually IS being a little bit a wimp in this case because he thinks not only will these new people be mad at us if we disagree but also the other two families who would be getting part of their fence replaced with a nicer fence. He just wants the whole thing over and doesn't want to make enemies of neighbors so he wants to agree to it. I still don't want to say no, but DH says if that is the case I have to be the one to tell the guy that we say no.
So basically, I am feeling really messed up here; my dad is making me feel terrible for not sticking up for myself and my DH is making me feel abandoned and unreasonable because I'm making a big deal of this. I'm hormonal as it is and this is just one more stressful issue I'm dealing with on top of several others. I don't understand why my DH can't be supportive and agree that if I don't want to do this, then WE don't want to, not just toss the whole mess in my lap. And I can't figure out if I'm making a mountain out of a molehill over a stupid fence.
If you've managed to get this far, please tell me what to do. I cannot deal with this anymore and I am so angry that it is even coming up. Why couldn't these people have just left things alone? They only moved in a few months ago! Thanks in advance for your help and sorry to freak out on the Internet. I just spoke with my dad and he just really got me upset.
Re: NBR: Could really use some words of wisdom (long)
I'll be honest...by halfway through, I was skimming, but I think I got the gist of it.
Am I correct to assume that if the people want to replace the fence, and the HOA said ok, then asking your permission is really just a courtesy? It is a bit of a 'damned if you do, damned if you don't' situation, because if you say yes to be nice when you don't mean it, you'll be irritated with yourselves, but if you say no and your permission isn't really required, you'll be irritated with them if they do it anyway. Or, if you say no and they DON'T replace it, they'll probably be irritated with you.
If it was me, I would probably say yes, mostly because I don't think the different section of fence would bother me that much, and if it did, I guess I'd just figure out a way to upgrade my fence to match.
Good luck.
Ugh! What a situation!
While I don't have an HOA I do have neighbors on either side of our house and we have different fences. I didn't even notice until I had been in the house for a year.
However I don't have steel posts in my yard either.
Here is what I would do in your situation:
Talk to the neighbors and tell them you want to help them get a matching fence. Be very sympathetic to their request. Be very friendly. After telling them how much you want to help them, tell them you have just a few small concerns they need to work out before you can say okay:
Talk about how yours is a unique situation to the other neighbors in that your fence will be two different styles in the back. Tell them you are not comfortable that the metal posts will be facing in. Also you are happy with your fence as is.
Reassure them that you are in no way saying no to their request. You really want to help them however they need to address your concerns before you can say yes. Tell them you are open to hearing any solutions they can come up with to address your concerns and that you are sure everyone will be happy with the outcome.
That way, the owness is on them and you are not the bad guy because you really, really want to accommodate them.
I hope this helps!!
This seems to be the most diplomatic way to handle it. Put the ball in their court. They may be really reasonable and can come up with a solution.
Could you paint the steel posts brown? That way they would blend in with the rest of the fence.
I think Amy has the right idea and is very diplomatic. Is the fence on your property or theirs or smack on the property line? That might make a difference - but I don't know. Maybe you could contact your HOA. Do they inderstand the situation and has it been presented accurately and fairly to them? I think I would at least show them with photos what the issue to you is.
It would irrate me that the neighbors are not giving you (or your property) the consideration that you are being asked to give them. However, letting that sway you is not usually the smartest way to get what you want.
Ugg... I hate neighbors sometimes. I probably wouldn't agree unless my back fence line would be uniform too (so I guess another neighbor would have to be in on it too?). Having a portion of the fence different from the rest would look silly and bring down the property value IMO.
Also, NO WAY for the posts on your side, total BS. You aren't even permitted to do that in our township.
If you say no, why does that mean the other neighbors can't have the fence? They can do it if they want to... they will just have a small section different than the others with board/board/wood posts (just as they are asking YOU to do)... is it okay for you but not them?
Yeah - this is the part I get stuck on also. Sounds like they think they are entitled/special.... Gets my goat everytime, so I probably am not the best help for a happy resolution
)...
Our neighbors on both sides wanted to install fences. We are very anti fence people because it ruins your mountain views to have an ugly fence out there.
We told them, "If you want to install a fence, fine. But you put it on YOUR property, not on the property line. We want nothing to do with your fence. You're responsible for all care and maintenance." This is the ONLY way I would agree to a fence, period. It completely eliminates situations like yours. Neighbor to the east eventually put in split rail, which is fine. Neighbor to the west put in a short version of a cedar fence so it would not block our views. We're all happy campers.
So, that being said. When Neighbor puts up his ugly poles, they'd better be on HIS property only. Then, if you want to cover them up with your own kind of fence, you can do it on your side.