Discouraging Remarks After Miscarriage — The Bump
Natural Birth

Discouraging Remarks After Miscarriage

My SIL knows my husband and I want to give birth at home. She is not happy about it. She hasn't been mean she just feels the need to tell us repeatedly about her concerns (she also thinks we should vaccinate). She has zero faith in my ability to give birth on my own. This week we found out we lost our baby and I had to have a D&C. She seems to think this should change my mind. I can't figure out what the two have to do with each other! I feel like she's insinuating there is something wrong with me. I know everyone experiences negative remarks when they plan a natural birth. Has anyone had a loss which made people even more insistent that you won't be able to birth naturally? What do you say to them?

Re: Discouraging Remarks After Miscarriage

  • I am very sorry for your loss. {hugs}

    I haven't received any comments other than the normal, "wait until you try it without meds" type comments. I think any insinuation that you are incapable is just mean and unsupportive. A m/c has nothing to do with your ability to give birth naturally with a future pregnancy and I don' tknow why your SIL would think otherwise.

    I have just stopped talking about my choices. They aren't up for anyone else's review.

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  • i'm a big fan of blunt honesty.  tell her to butt out.  it's rude enough to be overly opinionated but to hold fast to that when someone has experienced a loss is crossing the line. 

    our baby has a physical birth defect and i got one comment from a friend who didn't seem to think we would even be allowed to wait to go into labor naturally, she assumed my dr would induce early.  i didnt bother telling her that not only am i waiting but i'm going to birth my one armed baby med-free.  people are just ill-informed, try not to take it too personally.

    (hugs)

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  • Im so sorry for your loss. I had a very early miscarriage that we didnt tell anyone about so I dont have any advice for you. But even without people knowing about that, we have still gotten LOTS of negativity.

    Honestly I would probably just ask them what they think women did before there were epidurals? Womens bodies were made to give birth and as sad as it is, sometimes babies just arent ment to be born for whatever reason. That has nothing to do with how you will be able to birth in the future.

  • I?m so sorry for your loss!  That alone is hard enough to deal with & you don?t need anyone giving you a hard time about your choices.

     

    Why anyone thinks they have the right to make choices for you is just down right rude.  I get a LOT of flack for wanting to have natural child birth.  Like I don?t already know child birth is painful, but this is my body, my child & my choice!  Unless my choices put my child in harms way then NO ONE has the right to tell me I am right or wrong.

     

    You can?t let someone else decide for you & you can?t let their opinion bother you.  Next time find a nice way to tell her to mind her own business!  She does not get to make these choices for you!

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  • I am very sorry for your loss and sorry that she is criticizing your decisions. I got discouring remarks from co-workers, neighbors even friends saying "Oh, just wait til you feel that first contraction, you'll be asking for your epi right away." LOL. I think it's a way for them to reassure themselves that having a medicated birth was ok - they couldn't tolerate the pain...maybe they had to be induced....maybe they had a particularly hard labor/delivery. But they are just trying to make THEMSELVES feel better. Trust me - you can do it. I highly suggest the Bradley Method. I don't have a high pain threshold and I was able to do it. My mom had 3 one of whom was  a 10lber completely natural.

    I also got discouring remarks regarding breastfeeding. Comments like "Oh, you should have formula on-hand because you'll get tired of bfing every hour." or "You won't have enough supply." Again, people tell you these things because they want to reassure themselves.

    You can do anything you put your mind to. Good luck!

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  • First, I'm so sorry for your loss.  However, your desire for a natural birth as well as how you want to raise your child (no vaccines) have nothing to do with why that happened.  I'm sorry your SIL is being so awful, but no one has any say in what you do with your body and your child but you.  Especially in a time like this, she should back off.  You may just have to bluntly put it out there that it isn't her business.
  • I don't have any advice, I just wanted to say that I'm sorry for your loss.
  • I'm so, so sorry for your loss.

    imagexDenax:
    I feel like she's insinuating there is something wrong with me.

    And she's absolutely wrong, but this is exactly what she's insinuating. Since she's your SIL, I'm sure you want to handle it as nicely as possible. I'd send her an email telling her you really do appreciate her concern for you and your unborn child, but home birth is perfectly safe, etc., etc., etc.  And then link to a bunch of natural birth sites and offer some books for her to read.  And if that doesn't get her to back off, you or your DH need to tell her that you're making informed decisions, it's your baby, your body, and your birth, and that it's really none of her business. Period. Then refuse to discuss it with her or even listen to her anymore.

  • My SIL has never had a baby nor does she intend to have a baby. So I don't know why she is so weird about it. As for others, I don't plan to tell them about our home birth. People are way too weird about these things. I will probably have to get firm with her the next time I am pregnant. Maybe even before if she wants to keep discussing it. I'm just not up for it. I'm really miserable right now and I don't think it's appropriate, you know?
  • I'm so sorry!  I suffered a miscarriage last fall.  Fortunately it was early enough that I had only told a few people that I was pregnant and so only those people even know that I had a miscarriage (and some of them don't, they can't do math anyway).  There is no correlation between you having a miscarriage and being able to have a home birth.  What ridiculousness!

    (My mother made some remarks before #1 about me not being able to handle natural childbirth due to me being a wuss about my period as a teenager.  She doesn't know I had surgery w/o anasthesia once.)

  • I'm always perplexed when I hear that family and friends are not supportive of natural births. It seems so ridiculous! For what it's worth, I'm so sorry your sister-in-law is less than supportive.

    Just remember, it's your choice. Tell her you understand her concerns, but you feel you've made the right decision. She doesn't have to support you, but she does have to accept it because you're not going to change your mind.

    I planned a homebirth for my first, but miscarried. Now, we're having trouble conceiving. Still, my family has been nothing, but supportive. I wish I could offer more advice, but I think it all boils down to making the decision that is right for you.

  • I am so sorry for your loss.  I lost my first baby at 10 weeks.  I had a natural home birth with my second. I will have a natural birth with my third (on the way at the moment).

    There is no correlation.  Your body miscarries because something happens that doesn't allow the baby to survive to term.  It does not mean you will have problems in labor.  Is your SIL anti-natural birth in general?  I would guess she is, and that she's using this as an excuse to try to talk her out of your plans. 

  • imagemh2t:
    Is your SIL anti-natural birth in general? 

     

    She is against giving birth at home. Especially for me. She worries I'm too small to give birth to a normal size baby, I'll have too much pain, etc. I'm not sure how she feels about a natural birth at the hospital as we've never talked about it. I've tried to explain I don't want to go to the hospital because I won't end up with a natural birth.

  • I am so sorry for your loss.  I only had one d&c--the rest were natural, spontaneous m/cs.  That was completely unrelated to my choice to give birth without pain meds.  I really didn't tell people about my birth plans, except one friend who had gone through a natural birth, husband and mom.  But my husband would tell people and they all thought I was nuts.  Even those who delivered through scheduled c-sections!  When I would be part of the conversation, I explained that I was going to try and that I have a really high pain tolerance, while meds knock me on my arse.  It was the right decision for me.
  • shakesshakes member
    imageVirginny:

    I am very sorry for your loss and sorry that she is criticizing your decisions. I got discouring remarks from co-workers, neighbors even friends saying "Oh, just wait til you feel that first contraction, you'll be asking for your epi right away." LOL. I think it's a way for them to reassure themselves that having a medicated birth was ok - they couldn't tolerate the pain...maybe they had to be induced....maybe they had a particularly hard labor/delivery. But they are just trying to make THEMSELVES feel better. Trust me - you can do it. I highly suggest the Bradley Method. I don't have a high pain threshold and I was able to do it. My mom had 3 one of whom was  a 10lber completely natural.

    I also got discouring remarks regarding breastfeeding. Comments like "Oh, you should have formula on-hand because you'll get tired of bfing every hour." or "You won't have enough supply." Again, people tell you these things because they want to reassure themselves.

    You can do anything you put your mind to. Good luck!

    This is such a fabulous way of looking at it! Thanks for that! I have heald fast to my ideals for the last 26 weeks but people are starting to get to me now. This reminds me that my decisions are right for me and I can, we can all do this our way!

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  • I would just refuse to discuss your birthing/parenting choices with her.  Unless you were seeking her advice or she was doing research for her own birth (and you felt like sharing) there is no reason you need to discuss this with her.  If she insists, just walk away from her.  If she tries to make you out to be the bad guy for not talking to her about it, I'm sure others will be understanding that you don't want to discuss your private bodily functions with others.
  • I'm sorry for your loss and I can't believe you're dealing with comments like that from anyone! I would have told her to stfu before the m/c, let alone now. What kind of person makes comments like that to someone who just lost her baby?! I would definitely find some way to tell her (or have yh tell her) that she's being incredibly rude and insensitive and that you don't want to hear her ignorant comments.
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