Really sad story about my SIL...

BuckeyeBride200

I hesitate to share this, because it's a very sensitive topic. Read with caution.

So, we haven't spoken to my DH's sister since July due to a huge debacle with her. We've tried to mend fences, but she is not interested. I knew that she was trying to get pregnant at the same time I was. DH had asked MIL if SIL (Julie) was pg, and she refused to discuss it. She literally does not want us to know anything about her life.

This weekend, we visited with DH's brother who was in from another state. I straight out asked him if Julie was pregnant and he let out this huge sigh. He said he wasn't supposed to say anything, but since I asked...turns out she WAS pg until last month and gave birth to a stillborn son at 5 months gestation. 

It is making me so sad...for her, for my IL's, for my niece, for DH and me, and for our LO who will never know his cousin. I feel really badly for my MIL who had been preparing (in secret) to have TWO grandsons born within a couple months of each other. It also makes me sad to know that my SIL and MIL (who took SIL's side in the argument) are still holding this major grudge and feel like they can't talk to us about this huge family tragedy. And I feel bad for DH's brother who is sort of caught in the middle, since he told us the secret. 

I couldn't make it through church yesterday and had to waddle out crying in the middle of the homily. I hate crying in public anyway, and I know being very pregnant just drew more attention to myself. An usher actually followed us out to make sure we were okay. 

I feel so lucky that I've had an uneventful pregnancy. But I also feel guilty that we get to have this awesome experience, and now my SIL is going through a major period of grief. 

And it's also really strange for me, b/c we're in this argument. She won't speak to us, no matter how many times we've tried. And, now is not the time for us to rehash everything. We're not supposed to know about it, so I can't send a card or email. And, frankly, she is seriously unstable, so I don't want the extra stress of trying to mend fences at this point in our lives. 

It's just hard. 

Thanks for listening.

JhawkCE

Well, I think all you can do is pray for her.  Hopefully she will have a success when she feels ready to try again, and after some time has passed maybe she'll feel ready to make amends.

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BuckeyeBride200

Thanks for the support, ladies. I knew I could find some here! DH doesn't really want to talk about it, understandably...But it's definitely weighing heavily on my mind.

EmilyAnn10

I know that when I had my miscarriage in April 2009 I didn't want to talk to anyone about anything. I totally shut myself off from the whole pregnancy thing and jumped into re-doing the house. Painting, picking up, etc. My DH and I talked about it once and that was that. I can't imagine discussing a stillborn or wanting to bring it up, especially with someone I was upset with. However, I personally don't stay upset with people that long so I probably would love to hear from someone who cared -- or at least a "I'm thinking about you." card. SIL is obviously very different.

I would just let my feelings be known in the sense of you do care for her and wish you could help her through things but don't want to push her buttons. She will def. come to you if she needs anything...

samakasrc

I'm sorry your going through such a tough time at such an exciting time in your life... Its terrible to be separated from family - even if you don't really get along well with them.  It'll probably be tough to make amends because when she see's you pregnant it'll probably break her heart... when she sees your LO she'll think of her baby because they would have been the same age...

Pray for her, I'd probably go through the  family that you do get along with and say things like "when you see her again, let her know we're praying for her" or if that's too personal "when you see her again, let her know if she needs to talk or vent about anything to call - we're still here for her." things like that (unless it'd be too ackward or you think it'd just make her more mad of course). But that's what I'd probably want to do... just because that's the type of person I am. If it made her more mad then I'd just stop and just keep praying for her.

good luck. Don't let this stress you out too bad - especially during this time in your pregnancy... hopefully some day she'll come around and you guys can mend some hurt feelings.

christina1313

So sorry your family is dealing with this.  As hard as it is, you need to stay focused on your pregnancy and making sure you and your LO are healthy.  Just keep praying for her and the family and give her your support that way.  Hopefully amends will be made in the future, then you can let her know how you wish you could have been there to help her through.  Good luck!

yogisunam

Infertility and pregnancy loss is really, really, really hard. I don't know the specific dynamics of your family, but I was very hidden from mine when I was going through it and chose to receive support from people who didn't have a "vested" interest the child we were trying to conceive. And I did isolate myself from situations that were especially painful to me, and I appreciated family respecting my decisions.

Currently I am in the situation with a coworker that is struggling with loss and infertility who has made it clear that she doesn't want to talk about it. It is really hard for me since I've been there and I want to say all the things to her that helped me. But, it's a line that she's drawn and I have to honor it.

For now, respect your SIL's space.  You can pray for her and send her strength silently and hopefully her luck will change soon and she'll be ready to open up again and you can share your feelings then.

 

BuckeyeBride200

Talking to SIL about her loss isn't even an option for us since we are estranged. So, as far as respecting her space goes, it's a given. Plus, we aren't even supposed to/"allowed" to know about the situation, so even if we wanted to, we cannot say anything about it.