"Ticker" Shock

maddiemoon43 · May 2010

(Who knew you could chuckle at a stupid pun like the above while crying? No wonder my body has no clue what's going on.)

Just went over to 1st Tri to check on a girl I remembered from TTGP who seems to unfort. be miscarrying too. I wanted to wish her the best and tell her to come over here when ready...but I couldn't.

I had to close the board and get the h*ll out of there. I couldn't tear my eyes away from all of the fruit tickers different posters had in their siggy's, and had to stop myself from "trying" to see how big my baby would be today. I haven't let myself look at any of if since I deleted them from my siggy...none of the Nurtured Baby updates on what would be developing today and none of the other November tickers. But I apparently want to be tortured since it's taking everything I have not to plug in EDD into websites to find out what I SHOULD be celebrating this week.

I just get angry at myself for thinking about it too, since DH and I were always talking about our little "Raspberry," only now I know we never even had a little raspberry, just a sack. I feel tricked by my body and angry, and silly (at this moment at least, God knows it changes by the hour) to mourn something that apparently was never there and all in my head (but it was in our heads and hearts). The stupid tickers were telling me that irises and organs and heart were developed...fingers, toes...but they weren't. I feel lied to and cheated.

And now DH just called from work to say goodnight and I started crying. I feel awful that I let him know how sad I am tonight even though he still has to work for the next 5 hours and can't do anything to make me feel better. Think I just need to go to bed. Thanks for taking the time to read this long rant (I swear, it started out so small...) Smile

bleja · May 2010

I check out tickers too. I should have been 12 weeks yester day- a day I was really looking forward too. As masicistic as it seems- I think sometimes the torture we inflict on ourselves helps a little- it eases some of the wondering.

AmorXAeterna · May 2010

I know exactly how you feel I can't even look at the tickers and I completely avoid 1st tri and my birth month board like the plague. It's just too painful. I hope you feel better. HUGS!!!!!!!!!

Lorange-8 · May 2010

I don't check the other boards but I check how many weeks I would be. My DH works at night too and I've had one of these calls as well. I'm sorry your having a bad night! I hope there are better one's to come!!!

rock-elle · May 2010

I just saw the new fruit ticker the other day and someone was about as far along as I was when I m/c and I had to close that thread immediately. For some reason the fruit was too much.

jerriesgirl · May 2010

I try and stay away from the tri boards. I never posted on them while I was still PG, there was always some drama. I do keep up with how many weeks I would have been though. I haven't seen the fruit tickers you all are talking about.

SassyMamainVA · May 2010

I stay away from the tri boards. I get way too sad and I can't handle all the drama over there. I'm not sure I'll go there when/if I do get pregnant again. I'm so sorry you're having a rough time. I hope today is a little sunnier for you. (((Hugs)))

sabrina&andy · May 2010

It can be very hard. To this day I know of one person's signature picture that hasn't changed since I learned I was PG mly first time. Every time I see her and pictures of her daughter I see what my little girl might be like, what she might be doing, saying, how big she might be. I don't venture off to that board very often.

Fryday37 · May 2010

i havent left this board except maybe the first day or so after the m/c. this seems to be the safest place! i lurked back on the PgAL board as that is where i started and they are a great bunch of ladies and give me so much hope. but i think here is where i belong. maybe i willstart lurking again soon. if for no other reason than to giggle at how naive some people are. i know laughing at others isn't a good thing and i swear its not how i usually act but whatever. its not like i am laughing their faces and if that is waht makes me happy then whatever!

BlakeG · May 2010

I know exactly how you feel about being tricked. I had just a sack too and there are still times where I feel like I'm mourning something that wasn't even there. When I have those days, I try to remind myself that you are a mom and you are pregnant the moment that test is positive. You change your life immediately. Even though we "just" had a sack, it was the beginnings of our baby, so I still refer to it as my baby. I just want you to know you're not alone in how you feel.