Best Friend is TTTC

4321piper

I got my BFP this week, and I am VERY excited!  It's a little bittersweet, because my best friend is TTTC.  She has been trying for a few years now, and went to a specialist this month who thinks that she could potentially conceive in about 3 months. (which is great news!)

I did gently tell her 2 weeks ago that my hubby and I were TTC.  She was very happy for us, and very excited.  (I thought it might be better to tell her ahead of time, rather than shock her by saying "I'm Pregnant!")  I just found out a few days ago that we are expecting.  I really want to share my joy with my best friend, but I'm hesitant to cause her any pain.  We have only been TTC for one cycle, and she has been trying for years!  I'm feeling a little guilty. 

Has anyone else been in this situation?

Scout05

As the one on the other end of this, I just wanted to say that I think it is great that you are thinking about her. It shows what a wonderful friend you are.

Just be patient with her, and understand when she maybe doesn't want to talk about baby things or seems sad when pregnancy is mentioned. While I'm sure she will feel a little envious that it happened so quickly for you, I'm equally sure deep down she will also be happy that you have not had to travel that hard road of TTTC. It's not something to be wished on anyone.

Give her time, and if she needs it, space, and I'm sure she will find a way to be there for you during this exciting time.

Congrats on your BFP, and best of luck with your pregnancy.

dxiechicken41

How did she take it when you told her you and DH were TTC? If she was okay with that, she should be okay with this news. Even if she's not at first, she will be, because a) you're best friends and b) it's not you, it's her frustration with her own situation. Tell her with care, and congratulations!

4321piper

Thank you, both, for the advice!  My friend was so sweet when I told her that we were TTC.  She looked a little teary-eyed, and it was all that she could talk about for the rest of the day (even though I was trying to 'make light' of the situation by not talking about it).  I know she will be happy for me when I tell her.  It's just a little tough because I want to do all of the things that you do with your friends, like run out and look at baby clothes and go through lists of names, etc. 

If anything, her situation has made me appreciate this little miracle even more.

 

dxiechicken41

 n/m

dxiechicken41

nevermind. i misread. i realize you're talking about her friend. sorry.

4321piper

Thank you for your perspective and insight on the situation.  She will probably call me and ask me about it next week, and I will have to tell her then.  I'll just respect whatever reaction she has.

I'm really hoping it happens for her this summer...fingers crossed!

dxiechicken41

yes. i have. and many people close to me also have. just saying. your experience IS worth listening to, i agree, but don't brush off others' reactions just because you think yours holds more weight.

BellaDella

My sister in law was TTC for several years and finally decided to stop last year when she turned 41. ( She had a molar pregnancy that almost turned cancerous and was advised to wait at least a year)

   When I told her I was pregnant this time around she was hurt. She never said anything to me,but I did not hear from her until today, almost 6 months later. She came to a mothers day brunch and was wonderful. She played with my son, and asked me all about the pregnancy. I never pushed her, I knew she would come around when she was ready. She is a wonderful, kind person and I knew that her reasons for not coming around were personal ones, and each person deals differently. 

   Your friend may distance herself from you, and I would not take that personally. It is just her way of getting herself ready to accept your pregnancy and genuinely be happy for you. Congrats on you pregnancy!!! 

USArmyWifeToBe

I totally agree with pieces...I too have been there MANY times. Most my friends have children & a few had started ttc after me & have 2 now. I have been ttc for 4 yrs, 2 yrs of infertility treatments & 2 losses later I am now pregnant with my 3rd pregnancy. It is pretty tough to swallow when a friend is ttc because you KNOW they will get pregnant before you & will maybe give birth to their babies before you even get to try more than a few times. Esp. when periods are non exhistant without meds. Its a long road & a VERY tough road no matter how much you love that person ttc. My husbands sister ttc & gave birth & her daughter is 1 now it still isn't easy when we go back home, even after being used to her having a baby its still a sting every time. This is not to be taken lightly at all. As a friend of someone who is having trouble esp. after many years it will not be easy & I am happy as a friend you are thinking ahead of time. Even my friends that are still dealing with IF & me being almost 11 weeks pregnant, I barely could tell my friends that are still at a stand still, even after my hard road, they are happy for me because they know the road I've traveled BUT for the easy ttc people it is a punch in the gut. So gently through email or text or maybe a call, but understand if you get something resembling being happy for you its not you or her not being deep down happy for you, its because it is a stab that she can't have that. Its not that she's mad or sad about you being a mom, its that she's sad she can't have that too. Don't offer news about the baby wait till she is having a "good" day & asks, be patient & don't take anything personally. But it is a huge thing as a friend to be understanding to what she is dealing with & that shows how great of a friend you are.

raya

I am in the same position as you. My BFF tried for a long time to get pregnant, though she technically doesn't have any diagnosed fertility issues. She got pregnant, then miscarried. Our situation is a little different because I went through a really traumatic m/c in my 2nd tri a few years ago and she, along with most people, weren't really there for me because they didn;t know how awful it was. So when she m/ced, it sort of gave us that thing in common where we now understand each other's pain better, if that makes sense.

Anyways, she wanted to ttc again asap and I told her we were ttc again for #2 soon. She openly would make comments like "don't get pg before me, that will be really hard for me". As ridiculous as that is, I understand that her m/c is way more fresh than mine, but imagine how nervous I was to tell her when I got my BFP 2 months after we started ttc. Every month she would tell me she got a BFN and then ask if I got a BFP (we live in seperate states). So this last time she asked, I lied. And then she told me she was relieved I wasn't pg. I emailed her that night and told her that I lied, but I was put on the spot and wasn't ready to tell her yet and that I know how hard it must be for her and to call me when she's ready to talk to me. She called me immediately and was crying about how happy she was for me and how awful she felt that I made it so hard to tell her and how my situation has nothing to do with hers. THat was a huge relief.

So now she knows and like pp said, I spare her the details, as I know it must be hard to hear. But she did want to hear about my first appointment, so I told her. I think avoiding her or acting like nothing's different just makes her feel worse so I take my cues from her and talk about baby related stuff when she brings it up. Good luck to you - this is such a tricky one, but I think it's great that you're being so sensitive to her needs. 

grr_aargh

I think you've gotten some good advice here.

I don't know what to tell you about how to tell her.  Because it hurts.  We have some friends who've done just about every part of it wrong -- surprised us in person with their news, spent hours regaling us with their "We didn't know until 14 weeks" surprise story, spent hours drilling us on all things pregnancy and baby, and never EVER said "I'm sorry for your loss" or "I know this might hurt."

You sound like you're on top of things and working hard to be the best friend you can.  I would suggest that, later, if shopping and stuff is something you want to do, you invite your friend but understand if she declines.  She may WANT to go and feel left out notbeing invited.  She may NOT want to go.  But she should get to choose.

Above all else, I don't believe in Survivor's Guilt.  You are where you are and she is where she is.  Treat her gently and with respect - but respect also means offering her options and REALLY supporting whatever her decisions are, you know?   (ETA: I say this because the last thing your friend wants is to be pitied.  To refuse to invite her because it'll probably hurt is pitying, to me.  To invite her and respect her answer if she says "it's too hard" is a good friend.  To invite her and expect her to buck up and go because it's what you need is pretty smug. So don't do that! Though it doesn't seem you will.)

Shelley-Bean

Having been TTC for 3 1/2 years, and been on the receiving end of many, many pregnancy announcements, I can strongly suggest NOT telling her in person.  My first friend told me over the phone, after trying for 2 weeks (I had been trying for 2 years) and I mumbled something, hung up, and cried for an hour.  My other friends were kind enough to tell me via text.  I called them when I was ready to congratulate them.  I was happy for them, but felt so sad for DH and I. 

ColoRxGirl

I, too, am on board with PP's advice about using kid gloves here.  True, no one in our shoes wants pity, but some sensitivity is greatly appreciated.

I'll always remember a co-worker who made the effort to call me personally and let me know she was pg - rather than have me find out at work.  We are friendly, but not BFF's or anything.  I was very touched that she took the time to let me know at home so that I wasn't blindsided at work.  If a coworker can do that that for someone, I think it's reasonable to think a good friend could do that for you, too.

I was in the camp that was happy for my friends and contacts when they let me know, but I haven't been to a baby shower in years.  I'm flattered by the invites and everyone has always been understanding about why I don't attend.  So, if she's a little distant while you're pg and she's still trying, please don't take it personally - it's not.  I really struggled with being around pg people and hearing pg/baby discussions.  But everyone's different - give your friend some space and let her determine the level of involvement that is comfortable.

monimonimoni

piecesofflare:

dxiechicken41:

How did she take it when you told her you and DH were TTC? If she was okay with that, she should be okay with this news.

I disagree with this.  I was excited for my girlfriends when they decided to start trying.  When they each got pregnant really easily, and I was just going through more frequent and more invasive treatments, it was incredibly painful to be reminded that for some people it's really easy and that it might never have happened for me at all.  But this is impossible to understand if you've never experienced infertility - so just trust me on this one.

I think it's awesome that you're giving her feelings so much consideration.  Being in her position is really painful.

She'll be happy for you, but this is going to be a really difficult time for her.  If you tell her in person, make sure it's somewhere where you're alone.  If you tell her on the phone, tell her when she's home and she'll have time to grieve when you get off.  If you tell her by email, make sure it's at a time and place when she'll get it at home where she can be alone to cry.

Heads up - when I started fertility treatments they were confident I'd be pregnant within 3 months.  It took a year, a stack of failed IUIs, and one successful IVF to get here - and in the infertility world I'm considered pretty lucky.

And as things progress for you, keep her in the loop on big things, but don't make her listen to little details.  She wants to know when you have an ultrasound or find out what you're having or if something scary is happening, but she probably  doesn't want to hear you trying to decide about midwives v. OBs, or your weekly guess on what you're having, or that you're really tired from being pregnant. 

Good luck!  She's your best friend and she'll be really happy for you, and handling this with a little sensitivity will really help you maintain your friendship.

All of this 

OP, I commend your sensitivity when it comes to what your friend is dealing with. I wish one of my friends had shown me the same consideration. Congratulations on your pregnancy and good luck to your friend also x

Symharmony

piecesofflare:

4321piper:

Thank you for your perspective and insight on the situation.  She will probably call me and ask me about it next week, and I will have to tell her then.  I'll just respect whatever reaction she has.

I'm really hoping it happens for her this summer...fingers crossed!

Good luck!  I think the phone's a great option with a great friend.  Some of my closest friends told me by email, which was perfect.  Well, it would have been with the first one, if she'd told me when I was home.  I was honestly shocked how much it hurt to get that news, and unfortunately I found out at work - at 9:00am.  As thrilled as I was for my friend (she's an amazing mother, and I knew she would be!), I spent my entire work day trying to hide tears and just waiting to get home so I could down a bottle of wine and cry my heart out.  Nothing to do with her - all to do with how much it hurt me to know I may never get out of my sh!tty situation.

FWIW, infertility is ridiculously painful.  I'm pregnant now, and my amazing husband is making me feel so special on my 'first' Mother's Day, but just typing this response has me in tears, all over again.  I keep waiting for the hurt to go away, but it's still really raw. 

I think by phone is the best way to tell her.  When I was having TTTC, my friend waited longer than usual to tell me.  She was afraid of how I would react.  I was of course happy for her, but I broke down as soon as I got off the phone.  I was on my second year of trying and here was my friend who was pregnant after only a couple of months of trying.  Not to mention her husband's a pilot, so he wasn't always home every night.  They were very lucky, and they got pregnant again with their second without much effort at all.  I know my TTTC struggles aren't as extensive as some of the women on here, but I still struggled.  It will be hard for your friend, but just the fact that you are considering her feelings is a huge start.  Let her dictate how involved she wants to be in your pregnancy.  

By the way, six weeks after I had a LAP I got my BFP with my first LO the month before my friend had her baby, so you never know.