Respectful question for you ladies ~ acknowlegement

Butterbean52

Hello, I need your help.

I just found out yesterday that my brother and his wife (who are 24 weeks pregnant) got some bad news about the baby... to make a long story short, it wont survive after it's born. : (

My husband and I are wondering what we should do in this situation. Should we send a card? Flowers? We don't want to upset them; but we do want to acknowledge their loss (or future loss).

Can anyone here provide any insight? I am sorry if this post offends anyone. 

mkelle5

I am so sorry for your family!  Such a horrible thing to go through!

I think a card and/or flowers is a great idea!  It will show that you are thinking about them and are there, even if they don't want visitors or to talk about it yet.  There's nothing that will make things better, but knowing that their family is thinking about them as they grieve will give them support.

My thoughts and prayers are with your family!

Gummybear

I know personally, cards and flowers are nice, but what is really helping me is reaching out and asking if I need anything, and then following through on it. For the first time in my life, when people say, "Let me know if there is anything I can do" I am actually taking people up on it. I hate being alone, so I am asking people to meet up for lumch or a playdate, or to just come over and spend some time with me, even a phone call to ask how I am helps tremendously.  Just calling me and saying "How are you doing?"...it means so much because it means to me that you care.

You'd be surprised how many people say, "I can do ANYTHING you need, just let me know", yet when you ask them to talk or to hang out, they get scared of you and clam up and come up with a million excuses why now is not a good time. I want people to acknowledge my loss and not run away from it. It's real to me and not going away any time soon.

Butterbean52

Thank you! I will take your advice ~ and I am sorry that you are going through this tough time as well. 

magdalina.h

No flowers, flowers die. Sending a plant in my opinion is a better idea.  I hated when my flowers died.  If you are close, bring food and a card.

emeraudecephiro

I agree, food is good. Offering help with things, even phone calls that just are "How are you?" or the latest on a favorite TV show are nice. 

damabo80

I'm so sorry to hear about your brother and his wife.

I would call and send cards/emails to let them know you are thinking about them. I know that I still have a hard time talking about it aloud over the phone, but loved the emails from family and friends...it allowed me to think about and formulate a response in my own time when I was ready.

I don't have a green thumb at all, so I asked that no plants be sent, because they would die under my care in less than two weeks.  I did get a few flowers....those were nice...until they died too.

The most touching thing that someone did for me was to make a donation in Luke's name to Duke Medical, as they do research for anencephaly and other NTDs. Depending on the issue, perhaps you could look into this as an option?

If they are carrying the baby to term, they will need your support now (as they are processing the information, and starting the griveing process), and when the baby passes away (dealing with the final blow of grief/loss).

I see that you're PG too (congrats!)...whatever you do, please try not to bring attention to your belly/baby during this time, unless she brings it up first. Seeing PG bellies and hearing baby-centered conversations when you know that that person will get to take home their baby, and you won't, is so painful. Also, (I know you probably wouldn't anyways) don't complain about your own PG to them, or complain about the baby keeping you up at night. She will listen to that and think "I would give my life to be able to have that issue.". I'm not in any way insinuating that you would do anything in this paragraph...the fact that you even wrote this post leads me to believe that you are not this type of person...but I know that I didn't even think about these faux paus until I was on the "loss" side of fence.

 

leneae10

damabo80:

I see that you're PG too (congrats!)...whatever you do, please try not to bring attention to your belly/baby during this time, unless she brings it up first. Seeing PG bellies and hearing baby-centered conversations when you know that that person will get to take home their baby, and you won't, is so painful. Also, (I know you probably wouldn't anyways) don't complain about your own PG to them, or complain about the baby keeping you up at night. She will listen to that and think "I would give my life to be able to have that issue.". I'm not in any way insinuating that you would do anything in this paragraph...the fact that you even wrote this post leads me to believe that you are not this type of person...but I know that I didn't even think about these faux paus until I was on the "loss" side of fence.

THIS, THIS, THIS!!!!  That is absolutely the worst.  I also hated getting flowers.  When the doorbell rang, I actually said aloud, "SH!T, something else to kill!"  I was not in a good place. 

A card, dinners, are always appropriate.  Keep in mind that she may not want to see ANYONE at this time, especially pregnant women.  Don't take it personally, it is quite devastating.  I know for myself, I only wanted women around who had experienced loss, and another of my friends who also lost her twins at 20 weeks felt the same.

Offer specific things (the general offerings of help aren't really helpful unless she knows what she wants), and follow through.  "I'm bringing you dinner on Saturday night.  You don't have to eat it that night, but just know I will be there."  If she's up to it, do it, if not, politely leave.  Like pp's said, she may want to talk about it, don't be afraid to bring it up, it's very therapeutic to talk.

leneae10

Also, if they decide to name the baby, there are some really beautiful memorial gifts that are so touching, for later down the road.  here's my favorite:

https://namesinthesand.blogspot.com

 

damabo80

leneae10:

damabo80:

Offer specific things (the general offerings of help aren't really helpful unless she knows what she wants), and follow through.  "I'm bringing you dinner on Saturday night.  You don't have to eat it that night, but just know I will be there."  If she's up to it, do it, if not, politely leave.  Like pp's said, she may want to talk about it, don't be afraid to bring it up, it's very therapeutic to talk.

Oooh. good one. I got a lot of offers of "if there's anything I can do, please let me know." But I had no idea what I wanted, or what others were willing to give/do. I love the idea of specific offers of help. Bravo, PP!

magdalina.h

The link is to my blog with a list that someone posted on here of Do and Don't

https://mhchlittleh.blogspot.com/2010/04/dos-and-donts-for-helping-grieving.html

rowanthefrog

What terrible news.  My thoughts go out to your brother, his wife and your family during this terrible time.

It is absolutely ok to send a card or an email expressing your sadness over their loss.  Don't take it personally if they don't respond right away.  You could always bring by some food or ask if there are any errands you can run.  Chances are they will have a hard time doing the most basic things for themselves, so picking up dry cleaning or going grocery shopping would be appreciated.  Don't be afraid to ask how they are doing, a week, a month, 6 months later.  Just because you have moved on with your life doesn't mean they have moved on with theirs.

If you make note of the date of the loss (whenever it happens) then I'm sure they would appreciate a card on the anniversary of the loss, that day is a hard one.

A 

millejj1

leneae10:

damabo80:

I see that you're PG too (congrats!)...whatever you do, please try not to bring attention to your belly/baby during this time, unless she brings it up first. Seeing PG bellies and hearing baby-centered conversations when you know that that person will get to take home their baby, and you won't, is so painful. Also, (I know you probably wouldn't anyways) don't complain about your own PG to them, or complain about the baby keeping you up at night. She will listen to that and think "I would give my life to be able to have that issue.". I'm not in any way insinuating that you would do anything in this paragraph...the fact that you even wrote this post leads me to believe that you are not this type of person...but I know that I didn't even think about these faux paus until I was on the "loss" side of fence.

THIS, THIS, THIS!!!!  That is absolutely the worst.  I also hated getting flowers.  When the doorbell rang, I actually said aloud, "SH!T, something else to kill!"  I was not in a good place. 

A card, dinners, are always appropriate.  Keep in mind that she may not want to see ANYONE at this time, especially pregnant women.  Don't take it personally, it is quite devastating.  I know for myself, I only wanted women around who had experienced loss, and another of my friends who also lost her twins at 20 weeks felt the same.

Offer specific things (the general offerings of help aren't really helpful unless she knows what she wants), and follow through.  "I'm bringing you dinner on Saturday night.  You don't have to eat it that night, but just know I will be there."  If she's up to it, do it, if not, politely leave.  Like pp's said, she may want to talk about it, don't be afraid to bring it up, it's very therapeutic to talk.

 She said it perfectly!

EntropicEpona

As other posters have said, flowers die. And are a pain to take care of in the meantime.

Food is almost always welcome! Stocking their freezer full of easy things to prepare (or things you've made that they just have to pop in the oven) would be a wonderful idea. I know that there were days I was crazy hungry, but couldn't be arsed to make anything. A lasagna would've been most welcome.

I'm sorry they're having to go through this. Just be there for them, for anything they need you for.

jerriesgirl

I actually loved the flowers that I received.  Yes they eventually died, but they were beautiful to look at and so fragrant.  Them dying didn't bother me at all. 

We had neighbors bring over meals which was really nice.  I had a friend come over to take me to get some ice cream and has offered to go on walks with me, so just getting her out of the house when she is ready may be appreciated.

I'm sorry she and your brother are going through this.

elizabeth&james

I?m so sorry for their loss. I think it?s good of you to be thinking ahead and planning to be there for them.  Early on it would have helped me if ppl had asked specific questions that would give me an opportunity to talk and explain how I was feeling ? something more than just ?how are you doing?? b/c that felt so vague and just like it was the polite thing to ask- didn?t feel like they actually wanted to hear the answer. Talking it out is a way to get it out of my head and actually work through it.

 

What?s helped me lately is when people ask me if anything crappy happened today?gives me a chance to unload what?s on my mind/heart and validates my feelings that I am living on an emotional roller coaster and it?s ok to have something (or a bunch of things) that trigger sadness every day- even 6 weeks later.

What has not felt good to me?when people expect me to be my ?old self? and seem to feel I should be ?back to normal? now b/c it?s been 6 whole weeks. When people ignore it altogether b/c either it makes them uncomfortable or they don?t want to make me feel bad by bringing it up?guess what, I feel bad/sad all the time anyway?so by asking about it, you give me a chance to share some of the burden that is on my heart.

 

Oh, and I?m sure you won?t do this-but any mention of how: at least you know you can get pg/it wasn?t meant to be/ something wasn?t right from the start/ it?s better to learn this now rather than later/ you will get pg again soon/ you will be happy again before you know it/you will have lots of babies/I?m sure this won?t happen again/ the odds are better for you now/ soon you will be able to think more clearly on this. Good luck and thanks for caring.  

Butterbean52

These are all great responses. Don't worry ~ I'm very sensitive to her situation  and I know how responses although well meaning can hurt her feelings (I battled many long months of infertility, so I have heard a lot of those comments directed my way.)

I ended up sending a gift basket of snacks. I figured that's what I would want!!!! : D   I will follow up in the next few days with a phone call.

Thank you very much, and I hope for the best for you all.