Kid's tell all

hesperfect

MIL picks up the boys from school on the days DH has custody. She was their daycare provider from the time they were 6 weeks old, so they have a very special bond. They tell her everything that is said at our house as well as BM house, and she tells us what the boys have told her that day. So today the youngest SS tells her "Maw-Maw my mommy says that daddy is trying to steal us from her". Also that BM said "C (me) would not be his SM for a long time".  The oldest SS will not really talk about these things as he his told to keep things secret. (he only corrects his brother if youngest SS doesn't have thing quite right) These lies are getting so weird since we filed for full custody. The CO states that parents are not allowed to talk negatively about the other to the children.

MIL does her best at damage control but I know that her making comment like these are stressful on them. I really would like for thing like this to be shown in court. Has anyone used a counselor for testimony in court? If so could you please explain how you found this person and how it went in your case. TIA

Phantomgirl

I think it is so sad that your skids put so much trust in their grandmother and she betrays them like she does.  Some day they will realize that she cannot be trusted.

I get her telling you things that may be relevant or if it was something you needed to know.  BUT everyday she relays all, that is just so horrible and cruel.  My heart is breaking for the innocent little guy who spills his guts to grandma every day.

DREWLILY

BM has been doing this same thing to SD for the last year. It's really sad and heartbreaking and unfortunately hard to prove in court. You can take the kids to see a counselor and speak with him/her about what is going on and that you may require their testimony in court, and see if that is part of what they do. I don't know for sure. But you'll need BM's consent to take the kids to see a counselor. I feel bad for both SS's, that is just sad and mean for them BM to put them thru this.

zlayrie

Phantomgirl:

I think it is so sad that your skids put so much trust in their grandmother and she betrays them like she does.  Some day they will realize that she cannot be trusted.

I get her telling you things that may be relevant or if it was something you needed to know.  BUT everyday she relays all, that is just so horrible and cruel.  My heart is breaking for the innocent little guy who spills his guts to grandma every day.

 

Are you f*ing kidding me?! "Horrible and cruel"?! The kids need support from all sides, it's not like she's spilling the beans on piddly, unimportant stuff.

hesperfect

Phantomgirl:

I think it is so sad that your skids put so much trust in their grandmother and she betrays them like she does.  Some day they will realize that she cannot be trusted.

I get her telling you things that may be relevant or if it was something you needed to know.  BUT everyday she relays all, that is just so horrible and cruel.  My heart is breaking for the innocent little guy who spills his guts to grandma every day.

Betray????? We don't tell the boys or BM that we know what is said. But it is relevant with any SC that you know what is going through their heads. These comments hurt them and sometimes they distance themselve from you. We do not talk about BM in front of the kids, but its obvoius that she is tring to hurt relationship between the boys and DH.

My heart also breaks that he has to spill his guts to MIL. But not because she tells us, but because he has something to tell. I am glad he does talk to her and us, unlike his older brother who keeps it all in. The oldest SS is told to lie and not tell us certian thing. This has caused him alot of anxiety.

My hope is one day they can be normal little boys and not carry the weight of BM's world on their shoulders.

Phantomgirl

zlayrie:

Phantomgirl:

I think it is so sad that your skids put so much trust in their grandmother and she betrays them like she does.  Some day they will realize that she cannot be trusted.

I get her telling you things that may be relevant or if it was something you needed to know.  BUT everyday she relays all, that is just so horrible and cruel.  My heart is breaking for the innocent little guy who spills his guts to grandma every day.

 

Are you f*ing kidding me?! "Horrible and cruel"?! The kids need support from all sides, it's not like she's spilling the beans on piddly, unimportant stuff.

they have a very special bond. They tell her everything that is said at our house as well as BM house, and she tells us what the boys have told her that day. 

Nope not f*ing kidding you.  Re read it and you will see that she is.  I said I get her telling the important stuff and I to would pass on this information BUT she tells everything they say everyday and I think that that is so sad for the kids because they obviously need someone in their life that they can trust - grandma is certainly not that person. 

gasper

OK, all the 'whether grandma should keep the kids' "secrets"' aside, Your original question was in regards ot using a counselor.

We have actually used a "counselor" in court.  Unfortunately in our case we had to get a court order to do it but it was worth it because the hostile and alienating behavior on the part of BM was crystal clear to the psychiatrist.  The recommendations made based on those interviews got written into a CO and included language that was very specific regarding the parents not undermining the other's relationship with the kids but also clearly stated if the parents failed to conduct themselves properly it would be considered they were not acting in the children's best interest and the non-offending parent could go back to court to have the custody modified. As far as having to get BM's consent to take the SKids to a counselor that is actually up to the CO.  Our CO says that my DH must consult with BM but ultimately if either of them feels a doctor of any kind is necesary they are able to take the SKids to the doctor without actual consent from the other parent.  In my experience that is how a lot of joint custody agreements/laws are.  So you may be able to get the kids into a therapist as long as you consult and inform BM you are doing so.  Whether that can then be used in court is something you need to ask your attorney.  It may be you need to take some legal steps first to insure it is admissable before just taking the kids to the therapist.

Now that I've ranted about that.  Let me say while I understand the kids needing to have a "confidant" no parent should be kept in the dark about potentially harmful/abusive behavior towards their kids.  Grandma is right to tell you BM is saying these things.  BM telling the kids DH is trying to "steal them" is damaging and scary to a child and your DH doesn't need to be kept in the dark like a mushroom until he gets blindsided by a child who suddenly doesn't want to see him because BM has made him so afraid of being "stolen".  Not to mention from what little I know of your situation it sounds like your BM may have some serious issues and her talking about stealing the kids could actually be an indicator of what SHE is thinking. 

It is often not the parents that children first confide abuse to, making Grandma feel like she is "betraying" the kids trust is ridiculous.  The kids trust her to do what is best for them and sometimes that means NOT keeping thier secrets.

Sorry this got so long.  I guess I just get a little passionate about either bio-parent treating thier kids like pawns.

riabiron

children don't get secrets. they are children. if they have a secret then that is a problem.

encouraging the close bond is important and the children dont need to know that the parents know.

knmommy

riabiron:

children don't get secrets. they are children. if they have a secret then that is a problem.

encouraging the close bond is important and the children dont need to know that the parents know.

This, that is crappy to say that it was horrible for her to betray the kids trust.  They are kids, and they don't need to know that the grandma told the parents.  My DS has been telling my mom all of the crap that has been going on at spermdonors house, so we got him into counseling.  I would say counseling would be good.