This is an x post from Blended Families
But any and all opinions would be wonderful!
DH and I do not have a working relationship with my stepchildren's mother. It's a horrible situation. We do our best to ignore their mother and only communicate via letters, because whenever she does talk to DH she screams, cries, swears, punches and kicks things in front of the boys. As far as the letters go- they just tell her the dates and times we will be there to pick up the children. DH never tells her about our personal lives and she never writes him.
Now with a baby on the way I'm wondering if DH tells her we're expecting, or if we just let the boys bring it up once they return home to her at the end of the summer. Everything we're reading says that DH should be the one to tell her but he disagrees. What do you think is best for the boys?
Re: This is an x post from Blended Families
They are 8 and 10 years old. We'll have them for 6-8 weeks this summer. I'll be 12 weeks the day we go to pick them up for the summer so we plan on telling them then.
IMO your DH should tell his ex. I feel like by having the kids tell her, it really puts them in the middle. It may also lead to them answering questions that are not appropriate or that they understand.
I would say pick them up, tell them the news first, celebrate... than call up the ex that night/next day and tell her. It is not going to be easy nor fun, but it is not fair to the kids be the ones to have to experience her reaction.
GL!!!
BFP #1 March 24, 2010; missed m/c May 26, 2010 @ 12w 4d; D&E May 28, 2010
BFP #2 Oct 20, 2010; My little boy was born on July 5, 2011
BFP #3 April 30, 2013; Chemical Pg May 5, 2013
BFP #4 Aug 22, 2013; It's a boy. Loss discovered at 24 weeks on Jan 15, 2014 (cause CMV virus)
BFP #5 April 6, 2014; missed m/c May 15, 2014 @ 9 weeks; Misoprostol May 15, 2014; D&C May June 3, 2014
This is just my two cents, but IMO, it's unfair to expect kids that age to be the messenger of such significant news. Years ago, my dad asked my brother to inform the family that he was re-marrying when my brother was just a teen (or maybe pre-teen), and I always thought that was really unfair to dump that duty on him.
But I do think you guys should tell the boys first (before step-mom), so they can react to it their own way before step-mom talks to them. And if written communication is the best way of reaching the step-mom, then your DH might want to tell her that way, after you've spoken to the boys.
GL with your decision! Hope everything goes smoothly for you.
I would definately say DH needs to tell and not put the kids in that position. They will either blurt it out and feel horrible when she freaks, or they will try to keep it a secret for fear of her freaking out and then when you have the baby they will be forced to answer to her as to why they kept it a secret. Not cool for the kiddos.
I would also say to tell her after you have left withthe kids. That way she can have a little time to get p!ssy and call friends and complain about how horrible you & DH are without doing it in front of the boys. That way the boys can be spared the brunt of it.
Just my opinion though!
I didn't think of that way. Knowing them they would try to hide it from her for a bit. It isn't fair to them. I think we will do exactly this. Thank you! Now I need to get DH used to the idea that he's going to have to call her. Not fun.
This is a great idea too! Thank you for all the kind words and help. I feel better about telling her already.
Thanks lilmgirl! I was waiting to hear back from you. You always say the right thing!
This is actually our first child together. We don't share personal information with her but this is a little different, I think. Her children are going to have a new little brother or sister, so in a way it involves her. I just want to let her know the right way. One way or another she's going to find out.
Thank you lucky! I called DH and he said he doesn't want to talk to her on the phone about it because she's going to upset and want to talk about it for hours. I think a letter will be his best bet.
Your son is very lucky to have you in his life! I can't imagine what his mother is thinking. I can't believe she hasn't seen him in 13 years. You're a good mom!
The kids are going to know and I'm sure it's going to come up at their Mom's house. I'd much rather have the Mom find out from her ex than her kids b/c I wouldn't want to put the kids in a tough position.
Hey, just got back from BMX with the kids and though I'd check on this. I'm glad you're so level headed about it, it seems like you're in the right frame of mind to deal with this. I know it can be stressful dealing with another unwanted person in the relationship.
Just think, once you tell her, you will never have to tell her again!