bm and $$ again

wille2b

Ok, so I know that in MINUTE its acceptable to pay rent and a few other things. Well all along bm and us agreed(with attorney approval) that we would pay her cell phone bill,and a gym membership. Simply because we weren't finacially prepared for a full adoption cost and she was fine with the things we were paying for. Well she has also declined counselling this whole time even when we pressed the issue.. Well now she decided she wants counselling b/c they told her we should be paying rent and gas too.. And the counselors are calling me threatening me to fix it outside of her hiring an attorney cuz then we will hve to pay for that too.. The counselor told her "well don't they want a healthy baby, all this stress is bad for him" making us to look like jerks. We had this money issue a couple months ago, some of u may remember.i I thought we had fixed this issue as we tlked to her and her pastor and she was ok with what we could pay for her... And she keeps bringing it up, I am pretty sure the counselor(also an adoption agency)is trying to convince her that if she goes with them that she would get all those things paid for... My heart can't take this anymore, I feel like she is always making his life about how much money she can make... I may sound really nasty but if u knew her u would get it.. She NEVER answers txts from us when we txt about legal paperwork she needs to finish, even tho we pay the phone bill.. She only ever gets in touch with us if she needs something... A mutual friend says the only reason she took the counselling was so someone would stand behind her on the $$ thing.. She didn't have a job before she got pg so I am confused about why we should pay rent, even our attorney was baffled by that. Anyway just a long vent cause I am so hurt by her and honestly don't know if we will make it to the end...

wille2b

That's suppose to be minnesota, but when I abbreviated it came up as minute!

PrincessShay80

I am so sorry that you are dealing with all of this. Sounds like there needs to be some guidelines put in place, and everyone needs to understand them, including the BM and her therapist.

Hopefully this will be over soon and you will have a healthy baby in your arms.

katerena

This is why I am so grateful that in Canada it is against the law to provide any compensation or expenses to BMs.  This sounds so stressful, I hope you are able to get some resolution, this is enough of a roller coaster for you without feeling so much pressure.

Good luck sweetie!

jacksjerseygirl

I'm sorry you aren't having the best relationship with your child's BM. Keep working through the attorney and keep having the attorney work with the BM.

Did I read that right ... the BM does NOT have her own attorney? I don't know even 10% of your situation but ... that would concern me personally - especially as issues regarding expenses/money come up.

Good luck!  

PSU-NCBride

I don't know how to help with all the money and legal stuff. I will tell you what I had to remind myself over the past week as we had a huge falling out with our agency and I wasn't sure I was going to have the strength to keep going. In the not too distant future this will be past us. I'm doing this for my son and that little girl that will be our daughter. 

We didn't have BM issues before the birth of H and don't have a whole lot now (not financial at least) but I will say that once the adoption was finalized, things were much smoother. Sometimes things come up during the pregnancy and it makes things awkward. Good luck! 

mrsdrkwaver

I wish i could help we are using an agency so everything goes through them and we have no financial risk but i guess we pay for that. All i can suggests is have the councilor and the mother contact your attorney every time they want money. then you guys have to decide with your attorney if its a fee you want to pay and if you choose no then accept the possibility they back out.It all stinks but thats all you can do. Good luck and hugs

Temp206787500007404

We had all kinds of issues with our bmom and money.  In our state, expenses do have to be approved by a judge, and luckily he had a very level head.  But it was so stressful each time she would bring up money.  She also started guilt tripping us in the last 2 months and it was just so hard to even talk to her (and I took her to all of her appointments and we saw her frequently).

Like pp, I can say that everything improved x1000 after birth and consent was irrevocable.  It was amazing the difference.  In some part of our mind, we felt like we had to continually keep her happy for fear she would change her mind.  And that meant constantly trying to please her and bow to her every whim (within the law) and it was exhausting.  Even if we did tell her no, we had to do it in a way that was extremely sensitive and tactful b/c we didn't want to upset her and have her change her mind.  

She's never asked us for another penny and our relationship is fantastic (I know that's a fear of some people in open adoptions -- that birthparents will continue to ask them for money for all eternity).  She's under a tremendous amount of stress and no doubt hearing lots of opinions and advice for other people.  Just know that this too shall pass and it will all be worth it.

(((HUGS)))

waxboyd

I really don't want to be a Debbie Downer (no, really) and I hate when people are (if you don't have something encouraging to say then don't say it), but if it were me....I would realllllllly see if there was any way to not pay any more money or else back out. It just doesn't sound right. Fishy to me. After trying so long to adopt I know how easy it is to lose money on a "lead", but you have got to cover your own tail too.