2nd Trimester

OK I need some opinions... (long)

I've asked a few of my friends but I feel they may be biased because they are my friends. Of course I may get the same answers here, but at least you don't know me so it will be a little less biased I hope.

First the back ground...

Baby was unplanned when birth control failed after 6 years of being solid protection. However, I believe each child has a purpose and would not have even considered getting rid of him. Also, I am 27, have a job I love, I'm less than 20 credits from having a college degree, an even better job already lined up, and will be able to build a life for us. I also have a large amount of support from family and friends. However, my now Ex walked out on me when I was 3 months pregnant. He came back and said he made a mistake and wanted to work on things. That lasted a month and a half and he walk out again this last Sunday. That was his last chance with me but I still want him to be able to be there for his son. However, as of right now, we are not even talking (or texting, or emailing, or anything).

Now comes the opinion part...

Before this Sunday we had be kicking around the idea of changing the name we had picked out for the baby. Though we liked it at first, once we started to say it more often it was kind of awkward and didn't flow well or feel right. We decided to keep it as our back up if we could not agree on anything else. Now that we are not talking I still want to change it but don't see us communicating any time before the baby is born. :(  Do I go ahead and keep looking at names that I like? Since I'm the only one acting like an adult, going to appointments, and taking care of getting things for the baby while he goes out with friends all the time (he says he wants to get it all out before the baby is here) should I even care what he thinks? I'm still giving it his last name. I just want a few opinions on if I should just plan on doing this alone and make decisions for my self including choosing a name or what...?

Thanks ladies!

Re: OK I need some opinions... (long)

  • I would say coming from a woman that had to do it on her own for 10 years. You find a name you like and name him that. As for the last name unless you are 100% positive he is going to stay around that I would have him have your last name I meet with a layer before I had my daughter and he told me some great advice it only cost the amount of getting a new birth cirtificate to add his last name where as if you guys end up getting along then getting his last name off could cost you thousands of $'s and if the father doesn't want to change it then it won't get changed now this is just my opinion and you can take it or leave it GL with your decsion!
  • I would still keep the name you both picked out as a back-up, but start looking on your own.  If you are the only one acting like an adult you should get the naming rights.  Plus you are already giving your son his last name, that should count for something with the way he is acting.
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  • Well. I myself think if he walked out, he gave up the rights to name the name.  You pick a name YOU like.
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  • i agree with pp's - and especially the first one regarding the last name... imo, if he's not a sure thing and it's possible he won't stick around, why give the baby his last name? it's a lot easier to add his last name than try to change it back to yours later if need be. 
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  • Ok call me hormonal, but you asked so here it is! This is your child that you are carrying....yes he obviously played a part in getting you where you are, but he has clearly made a choice on where he would rather be! Don't feel bad or sad for you or your baby! You sound like you have a great family who will help, your baby needs you emotionally strong for him right now and for the rest of his life! Dad doesn't want the resposibility of helping you through this time, then he doesn't have the right to name your baby, or even have an opinion about it. However I agree with the last name, I have always said with my 14yr old daughter it is her birth right! as well as it will be her decision on an opinion for her father, as mine are very very biassed! Plan your life and the birth of your baby with someone you have counted on and will be able to count on! Ask them to be there for support and then feel the stress of AHOLE (sorry) not being there, go away! I wish you luck and a world of strength! I can't wait to hear what "YOU" name "YOUR" son.

     

    Marsha

  • If he keeps leaving you, I'd go with what I wanted and screw him.  You're going to be the one to deal with your child on a day to day basis, probably not him even if he does stay in their life.  I'd also not give the kid his last name.  Maybe I'm vindictive, but it's what I'd do.
  • imageVampyGirl:
    Well. I myself think if he walked out, he gave up the rights to name the name.  You pick a name YOU like.

    Exactly this.

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  • Thank you! This was all the stuff I was hoping I would hear of course since I did want to change it but I thought if it was pretty split on opinions I would just leave it with what we had. Also, thanks for the legal advice and the words of encouragement! I needed it :)
  • I can only tell you what I would do if I were in you position. I would pick out a name for the baby, and the baby would have my last name. End of story. If he wanted to be in the babys life when it was born then I would get a court ordered arrangement but since he is not there for you during the pregnancy, I would not give him any say in any decisions. He chose his path and that's his own fault. He doesn't deserve a say IMO.
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  • imageJune2007:
    I can only tell you what I would do if I were in you position. I would pick out a name for the baby, and the baby would have my last name. End of story. If he wanted to be in the babys life when it was born then I would get a court ordered arrangement but since he is not there for you during the pregnancy, I would not give him any say in any decisions. He chose his path and that's his own fault. He doesn't deserve a say IMO.

    Same here.  If you end up going with the original name that is fine, but so is picking whatever you like too.  I would not be attached to the old name out of 'respect' or anything for the ex.  Also, I would definately use my own last name.  I've talked to other single moms who say it hurts to see their child have a name that reminds them of the ex. 

  • imagejoeandamandasbaby:

    I've asked a few of my friends but I feel they may be biased because they are my friends. Of course I may get the same answers here, but at least you don't know me so it will be a little less biased I hope.

    First the back ground...

    Baby was unplanned when birth control failed after 6 years of being solid protection. However, I believe each child has a purpose and would not have even considered getting rid of him. Also, I am 27, have a job I love, I'm less than 20 credits from having a college degree, an even better job already lined up, and will be able to build a life for us. I also have a large amount of support from family and friends. However, my now Ex walked out on me when I was 3 months pregnant. He came back and said he made a mistake and wanted to work on things. That lasted a month and a half and he walk out again this last Sunday. That was his last chance with me but I still want him to be able to be there for his son. However, as of right now, we are not even talking (or texting, or emailing, or anything).

    Now comes the opinion part...

    Before this Sunday we had be kicking around the idea of changing the name we had picked out for the baby. Though we liked it at first, once we started to say it more often it was kind of awkward and didn't flow well or feel right. We decided to keep it as our back up if we could not agree on anything else. Now that we are not talking I still want to change it but don't see us communicating any time before the baby is born. :(  Do I go ahead and keep looking at names that I like? Since I'm the only one acting like an adult, going to appointments, and taking care of getting things for the baby while he goes out with friends all the time (he says he wants to get it all out before the baby is here) should I even care what he thinks? I'm still giving it his last name. I just want a few opinions on if I should just plan on doing this alone and make decisions for my self including choosing a name or what...?

    Thanks ladies!

     

    I would seriously consider NOT giving the baby his last name.  Maybe if in the long run, you two decided to get married  then I would change it. But like you said, you are doing everything for this baby and he should have your last name.  

  • imageJune2007:
    I can only tell you what I would do if I were in you position. I would pick out a name for the baby, and the baby would have my last name. End of story. If he wanted to be in the babys life when it was born then I would get a court ordered arrangement but since he is not there for you during the pregnancy, I would not give him any say in any decisions. He chose his path and that's his own fault. He doesn't deserve a say IMO.

    This EXACTLY! 

    I would also be concerned that giving baby his last name would give him some sort of leverage legally if he ever decided to sue for custody or some such bullsh*t.  I may be way off base, but that was my first thought.  I had a girlfriend in the same situation - dad left her during pregnancy, was a deadbeat dad, wholly unreliable, saw his kid about once every 2 years; when their LO was about 6 years old, he decided to sue her for custody and actually had a fighting chance at winning!  Can you believe that?!  Had her and her current husband on the ropes for 2 years with that before it was finally over! 

    Personally, I'm more surprised that you would consider giving your son dad's last name than by you considering the first name the two of you picked out.  Not trying to be mean here, I promise you that sweetie.  I believe that you are giving him more consideration than he deserves, and I hate to see it happen.  

     

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  • I say name the baby whatever you want to!  He is not participating, and it is your child. 

    I would also consider not giving the baby his last name.  You will forever be explaining to schools, etc that your last name is X and your child's last name is X.  This is your baby and the two of you are family.  IMO you should have the same last name.

     Good luck to you! 

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  • As far as the last name goes what do you girls think about hyphenating (sp)? I guess I would have leaned more to that than JUST his last name. Although giving it just my last name sounds good to me :)
  • I think you have every right to choose the babies name and to use your last name.
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  • Coming from a rough beginning with my ex and my daughter I kind of relate to this. It seems that he isn't acting mature enough to want to be around. If he was in it for the long haul he wouldn't have to get stuff out of his system before the baby comes.

    In regards to his last name, it does cost alot of money to get the last name changed should you not want your son to have it anymore. I wouldn't give him a chance to walk out again. It is hard when you're not pregnant let alone hormonal and pregnant.

    So my opinion would be to not have his last name on the birth certificate and to go with whatever name YOU like. You are being the responsible one and he isn't.

     

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  • imageVampyGirl:
    Well. I myself think if he walked out, he gave up the rights to name the name.  You pick a name YOU like.

    THIS! 

    last name- give baby yours.  if he was just not interested in a relationship withYOU that is one thing but if he walked out on baby twice baby doesn't need HIS last name!  He will still be listed on birth certificate.  I had my mom's and turned out just fine :-)

  • imageColieJ:

    imageVampyGirl:
    Well. I myself think if he walked out, he gave up the rights to name the name.  You pick a name YOU like.

    THIS! 

    last name- give baby yours.  if he was just not interested in a relationship with YOU that is one thing but if he walked out on baby twice baby doesn't need HIS last name!  He will still be listed on birth certificate.  I had my mom's and turned out just fine :-)

     

    He SAYS it's just me and that he still wants to be there for the baby but I haven't seen him put out real effort yet. He may just think he has no real responsibility until LO arrives but I don't see it that way. At a minimum when he says he is going to do something (like come to an appt.) he should be mature enough to follow through... or at least let me know even.

  • Pick the name you want 100%

    As for the last name it does give you ex clout over your son if he has your last name. Say there was an accident where your ex just happened to show up at the hospital. If you aren't there your ex can make medical choices because they have the same last name you admit to your ex being a part of your life and able to make choices. Junk like that happens all the time. 

    So unless you are planning on going after him for child support (then the baby should have his name) give him  your name. 

  • imagec1kaestner:

    Pick the name you want 100%

    As for the last name it does give you ex clout over your son if he has your last name. Say there was an accident where your ex just happened to show up at the hospital. If you aren't there your ex can make medical choices because they have the same last name you admit to your ex being a part of your life and able to make choices. Junk like that happens all the time.?

    So unless you are planning on going after him for child support (then the baby should have his name) give him? your name.?

    I don't have experience myself, but my sister gets child support and her twin boys have her last name. ?







     

  • Personally I would choose a name that I liked and give the baby my last name! Legally it makes things a lot less complicated if the baby doesn't have his last name. My sister is a single mother of special needs twins. The father ended up being a piece of sh**, but she was still able to list him as the father, get child support(not that he pays it), and still have them have the same last name as her. Since she lives with my parents, this is good because they all have the same last name and god forbid something happen to her, they can prove he is a unreliable father and don't have to worry about getting his last name removed! Just some thoughts...hopefully your guy will do what he says and be there for the baby. Although personally I think it's just as important for him to be there for you every step of the way! I hope it all works out for you, it sounds like you have great family and friends, and if he chooses not to be a part of that then it's his loss!

  • He left therefore his opinion no longer matters. 
     
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  • He has walked out on you twice.  He gets no say.

    Pick the first name you like.

    And, the baby should have your last name.

    I am married but kept my name for professional reasons.  Our baby has my H's last name.   We live near the US  border so often pop across.   Legally, all the baby needs to cross the border between the US and Canada is a passport.   BUT, because the baby has a different last name, it sends up a red flag that the baby may not be mine and I am questioned.  I have learned to carry a copy of his birth certificate that shows my name as mother and a letter from my husband saying I have his consent to cross the border.

    If the baby had my last name (or if I had my husband's), there would be no issue.

    That is just one example of when the different name can cause an issue.   What if he wouldn't give the letter and you wanted to go on vacation with your child someday?   Also, you will find yourself having to say in many places, 'no, actually the baby's last name is.....'. 

     If he ever comes around and will be part of the baby's life, add his name later.   But odds are that a man who behaves like a child now isn't suddenly going to act like a grown up when the baby is born.  Babies are hard work.

     

  • imageJune2007:
    I can only tell you what I would do if I were in you position. I would pick out a name for the baby, and the baby would have my last name. End of story. If he wanted to be in the babys life when it was born then I would get a court ordered arrangement but since he is not there for you during the pregnancy, I would not give him any say in any decisions. He chose his path and that's his own fault. He doesn't deserve a say IMO.

    Ditto this.   

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