About a year and a half ago, my mom passed away. She was 47 and had breast cancer. Her and my dad were each other's best friends and had been married for 29 years. It was a rough couple of months, from the time we found out she was sick, to when she died, but we had amazing support from friends/family.
One set of friends in particular were very close. They were at my parents' house with us, the night my mom died and were there with her too. They have been very close with my parents as well as my husband and I in the past. She has been like and aunt to me and we have stayed in touch over the last year. My dad has had a rough time and has really isolated himself from his old friends, but he has been through hell. He hasn't been himself, that's forsure. And he hasn't been a model friend or father, but that I've been trying to be understanding because of what he has been through.
Fast forward to a couple of weeks ago: My dad got married again. This couple who has been close to use was invited to the wedding. It was very close friends and family (About 20 people in total) but honestly 90% of the guests were from my dad's new wife's side. Anyways, this couple said they were of course going to be there. They are an hour away from our town. My dad was really happy they were coming and I was too because it was a tough day for all of us and the support would be nice. Plus we were so outnumbered as far as guests and didn't know anyone.
Well, an hour before the wedding, I get a text message that says "Sorry, we lost track of time and have been busy finding a new car, won't make the wedding, let your dad know". Then my dad gets a text with the same thing, sorry we have been busy finding a new car, so won't make the wedding'. My dad was clearly upset and I am shocked that they didn't even call. I understand that it may have been tough for them to see my dad marry someone else, but it would have been nice for some support. And I was really upset that she asked me to tell my dad!
So since then (3 weeks ago) neither of them have called or tried to contact my dad. I didn't respond to her text because I wasn't sure how to and it was 45 minutes before the wedding. But I got an email from her today and she again brushed it off but then said "I hope you're not upset with us". I don't know what to do, or how to respond! I think my dad is hurt beyond repair. Not that they couldn't come, but because they didn't even call and left it to the last second, like they couldn't even remember his wedding! I know he hasn't been perfect but I don't really blame him, and I am hurt too. It would have been nice to have their support. I'm thinking of just being honest with her- I don't want to just not speak to her anymore, but I don't really know what to say. It kind of speaks volumes how they have handled this, and I wonder if they could really be that good of friends after all? Maybe they have their reasons, but they still haven't talked to my dad or apologized and still haven't called me either. WWYD? How would you handle this? Or am I being overly sensitive because of the situation? Honest advice would be appreciated. Thanks for listening!
Re: Would you be upset about this? NBR and a bit long
Married 8.13.2005, M/C 12/8/06- 5 weeks, M/C 2/27/07- 7 weeks, M/C w/ D&C 8/10/09-6.5 weeks *Charles Lawrence born 5/2/08 @ 3:14am, 7lb 8oz, 20.5 inches. Clomid, Crinone and baby aspirin. *Alexandra Claire born 9/14/10 @ 9:52am 6lb 14oz, 20.5 inches. Femara, Crinone and baby aspirin.
I think it would be fine to email her back and say that you were hurt. Don't speak for your dad, speak for yourself. It sounds like you had a close relationship with them and so you can say that you wished they had been there.
I wonder if they don't approve of your dad getting remarried (for whatever reason,) and so this is their passive-aggressive way of letting that be known.
But I think it would be very adult of you to be honest with them about how you are feeling.
If they mean a lot to you then I would be honest. Maybe allowing some tough dialogue and feelings to come out would help them. People deal with grief in strange ways, and if they were very close to your mom they might have a tough time seeing past their sadness for your dad's happiness.
It never hurts to try, and if you do not let them know how this has made you feel the relationship is likely doomed anyway. I would just let them know and hope that talking about things heals some wounds.
I am sorry you have had such a tough year.
I'd let them know that you are upset and hurt by them.
If you want to stay friends I would let them know that too. Just be honest, and gentle. You don't want to go flying off the handle because even ending a relationship should be done as kindly as possible.
And no you are not being over-emotional about this, it's absolutely normal to feel hurt.
All the best!
This.
Thanks, everyone. I definitely wouldn't be angry at them or fly off the handle. God knows I've seen people react in a totally different way than I expected, to grief. Including myself. I was just really surprised, considering we spoke to them the day before and they said they were excited to be there.
To the person who said it sounds like they are trying to end the relationship- I would think that, except I'm not really convinced, because she has tried to be in contact with me since and asked me in the email about myself, acting like nothing happened. So if they was the case, I would think they would just stop trying to contact me altogether? Maybe I'm wrong though.
I guess I'm just confused because they were happy for my dad and excited the day before...its just a weird situation. I think I will write her back via email, so as not to make her feel backed into a corner and just be honest, but gentle with her. Thanks again for all the advice- I really appreciate an unbiased opinion.
Sorry, I should have clarified. They want to end the relationship with your dad. They probably felt obligated to go to the wedding because of you, and decided they just didn't want to do it.
"Yes, actually. I *was* upset. It was very hurtful to hear a few minutes before the wedding that you were not only going to miss it, but miss it because you were out shopping. By text message no less! If you didn't wish to come to the wedding you could have declined the invitation."
There is no obligation to say "no big deal" when people ask you if they upset you.