2nd Trimester

Long vent - Annoyed with family (shouldn't they have asked first)

My family has decided to have a relative (a distant cousin) come out and stay when I have my baby.  They also want my neice to be here when the baby is born.  They think that it would be a great time for the cousin to learn English and for my neice to be part of my birth so she won't get jealous. 

My neice already has a 2yr. old brother so I really don't feel like it is necessary or ideal for me to have to entertain and take care of a child while learning how to care for my baby.  (A lot of "but she's so helpful" comments have been made). I also don't want to be entertaining a distant relative to help her learn English while I am trying to be a new mom. 

As harsh as it sounds - I told my husband that I will just close my house to my family until both people go home.  I am tired of being used as someone to help out the family without being asked.  They never even asked me if I wanted anything like this.  It hurt my feelings!  My family is really great but for some reason they always work so hard on making everyone happy and they often volunteer me to help - normally I don't mind but I just want some time with my baby before I go back to work. 

Re: Long vent - Annoyed with family (shouldn't they have asked first)

  • I'm confused. Did they offer for the cousin and the niece to stay with YOU? Or are they staying elsewhere? If they're staying with your family I don't know how you could be expected to take care of them while they are there?
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  • Oh sorry - the current plan that I said no to was for the two of them to come everyday to be at my house and then sleep a couple of nights a week with me. 
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  • wow - that's kind of a lot of nerve. Is that your mother pushing all this? I'd have a serious talk with her. Usually YOU are the one who can invite someone to come stay with you IF you are going to have them help you with the baby, i.e. a sister, friend, etc. They shouldn't be inviting random people to your house just to stay at your place - bad timing. Can't be a hostess when you just had a brand new baby. You'd think they'd understand that.
  • I completely understand how you feel!

    Unfortunately, I don't have any advice for you, but I just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you, and hoping that it will all work out!

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  • This sounds ridiculous you are in no way obligated to take these people in.

    In addition to that it really sounds like you need to set some bondries with your parents, they should not have this kind of power over you, your marriage, or your family. 

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  • Can't you just say no?  I had aunts come when I had DD...BIG mistake.  It's hard trying to think of things for other people to do (even if it's for you) while trying to get acclimated to your newborn.  This time, they wanted to come again and I explained that we just wanted this time to get used to being a bigger family, and we needed to do it by ourselves.  They understood.

    I would even risk getting family angry over this - your distant cousin and niece aren't your responsibility right now.

  • imageViolet_McPurpleson:

    This sounds ridiculous you are in no way obligated to take these people in.

    In addition to that it really sounds like you need to set some bondries with your parents, they should not have this kind of power over you, your marriage, or family. 

    You are very right.  I did say no but it was weird and I knew there was a feeling of me being selfish.  Prior to me being pregnant - in no way would this have been a problem - we always welcome people to our house but I feel this time should be ours (my husband, mine and the baby's). 

    My mom and dad are awesome and even are going to watch the baby twice a week so that we don't have to put the baby in daycare right away - so it's not that they don't care.  I think they sometimes feel I can handle more things than I really l can.

  • imageshrinkedink:
    Oh sorry - the current plan that I said no to was for the two of them to come everyday to be at my house and then sleep a couple of nights a week with me. 

    Oh, no, no, no, no. I don't even want family I'm close to coming over everyday after the baby is here. And staying overnight? Forget it. Good for you for saying no, but what is your family thinking? I would tell them what you said in your OP; that you want to spend time alone with your baby before heading back to work. 

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  • I don't think you are selfish for saying no about the relatives staying with you. First, it is completely inconsiderate for your family to put more pressure on you than you have already with this new baby. Secondly, it's your house, so why are they making these decisions for you? As one that deals with pushy family members, you just need to maintain your integrity and put your foot down - or else you will be the Family Door Mat for the rest of your life. People need to learn some consideration. Good luck to you!
  • That's terrible, they should have asked first.  I too am afraid of too much family being around and overstepping I really want time to bond with my baby and husband.
  • While I agree with your feelings, I understand that it might be hard for you to get out of this, especially if your relatives are coming from abroad and have already made reservations/plans.

    One thing that I think would be crucial if they DO come is to put you & your baby first.  If this means that you sit them in front of the tv w/ a dvd, magazine & some nail polish for a few hours while you relax in the other room, fine. Don't feel like you need to entertain them or that you are responsible for them. 

    And have a frank talk with your DH that you expect him to back you up and tell people when it starts to be too much. 

    Also, maybe you could make out a list of "chores" they can help with.  That way if they are annoying you, you could be like "wow, thank you so much for helping me, I'm so luck you're here. Would you mind unloading the dishwasher/folding the laundry/etc. I'm SO luck you're here to help"

    Bet they will make plans to do other things during their visit REAL quick!

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  • Whoa.  You can't just invite other people into someone else home.  That's completely ridiculous.  Family or not, that's super rude.
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  • umm NO! this is a great time for YOU and your family to enjoy your new baby.. not to be making sure the neice fits in or teaching your cousin English.. that's just insane. I would be pissed!
  • I would never be ok with that, ever. 
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  • imagelouisiana_mommy:
    umm NO! this is a great time for YOU and your family to enjoy your new baby.. not to be making sure the neice fits in or teaching your cousin English.. that's just insane. I would be pissed!

    this! Put your foot down!!! Seriously!

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