How to explain divorce to 3&4yr olds.

#6

My sister (aka Honey) and her husband Dan are getting a divorce.  To my kids its always been Honey and Dan.  They just decided about 3wks ago about going forward with a divorce and not try to work things out.  Landon is almost 5 and the girls are almost 4.  Im not sure how to tell the kids that it is only going to be Honey from now on.  When we went on a family trip the last weekend of March they all kept asking where Dan was.  (this is the first year he hasnt come)  They LOVE Dan.  Kaydance calls him her "best friend" everytime she sees him. They live 4 hrs away so we dont see them a lot but my kids talk to them all the time.  

Any ideas because Im at a loss.  I hate that its going to make them sad.  I know Kaydance will cry at some point.  She seriously loves Dan.  Im sad too.  Dan is a great guy.  He does not want this divorce at all.  My sister is basically leaving him and he is just not stopping her because its a lost cause.  She is set on getting divorced...never wanted to be married etc.   She has not been happy for the last 5 of 7 years.  

Also, should I tell them now or wait until they notice Dan isnt around anymore.  My sister is coming down tomorrow night and Dan would usually be with her and isnt coming.  I know they will ask about him.  

TIA 

Hooray2005

Ugh

With young children it's always a safe strategy to turn children's questions back on them first to guage what they're wanting to know and how much information to give them.  For example, when they ask "Where's Dan?" you can give a simple response like "He stayed at home this time"  When they ask the "why" question (which you know will follow), ask them "that's a good question - why would you like to know?"    Often children will give very basic or totally off-topic reasons for wanting to know... in which case you can deflect and redirect them a bit (remember, they don't understand relationship complexities yet, but might be able to pick up on something being "weird")

If they push/persist, I think it's fair to use simple but honest language, saying that Honey and Dan want to do everything they can to take good care of each other, and even though it might be hard, the best way they can each take care of themselves is to live in different houses.    Then reassure them that that in no way changes how Dan or Honey feels about THEM, but it might change how often they see Dan.  You can also then divert the conversation to a time when you as Mommy had to make a difficult decision for your child that was done out of love (think that through ahead of time so you have it ready - e.g., mommy makes you brush your teeth even though you don't want to - it might be hard, but it's best for you... etc.) Basically trying to illustrate that something that doesn't seem like a good idea to them is for the best in the long run.

Getting books about divorce that are age-appropriate might also be helpful - the American Psychological Association has a great series through their Magination Press publishing co - haven't read any of these personally, but their books are usually pretty good and appropriate

https://search.apa.org/publications?query=&facet=subject:Divorce&section=subject&pubtype=magination

GL!

ali-1411

I'd skip the long, drawn-out explanations and just keep it simple. 

'Honey and Dan aren't going to live together any more"

That's it.  Then just answer their questions as they come.  At their age, they probably won't even remember who Dan is in about 6 months.