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Mother in law and shower HELP!?

A dear friend of my family (she's practically my 2nd mother) asked me if she could throw the baby shower literally the MINUTE she found out I was pregnant. I said yes. That was MONTHS ago.

 Fast forward. I am 5 months along and my mother in law all the sudden wants to plan a shower. She called my mother and my mother told her, our friend had a date planned already (since I have the kind of crazy schedule where the shower cannot be a surprise) but that's basically all that is planned.

My mother in law is angry and upset (and hurt, which I can understand) but she also could have said from the beginning that she wanted to throw a shower. I feel like her calling me and getting upset at me isn't really fair since I should not be involved in the shower at all. Am I crazy? Any advice for a way to salvage this situation. I told her she could throw her own, too if she wanted (my mom even said my mother in law would be invovled in the planning of the shower my friend is having) but I feel like that didn't help.

 Isn't having a shower supposed to be fun?

Re: Mother in law and shower HELP!?

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    Wait, so your MIL called you all upset that someone else is planning a party for you?  Sounds like she is the one with the problem.  You have a few options, of #1 telling MIL that she can throw her own shower, #2 telling MIL that she can help out with the current shower, and #3 telling MIL that she is a welcome guest at the shower.  If she doesn't like any of those options, then she's just being a brat.

    You shouldn't need to deal with her attitude over something ridiculous like who gets to be the first to plan a shower.  Enjoy the shower, sounds like your friend will do a great job.

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    thank you...... so funny... your 3 options are the options I've given her and thus far she still seems unhappy. My husband tried to tell me it was my fault she's mad because I said yes to my family's dear friend asking to throw the shower but I told him it did not occur to me to say "let me check with my mother in law first" since I figured if she wanted to plan a shower she would have mentioned it before April when I am due in July...... all the drama makes me just want to not have a shower even though I know my family friend will do a great job and we'll have an amazing time (she planned my bridal shower, too)
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    imageBeckyTheEngineer:

    Wait, so your MIL called you all upset that someone else is planning a party for you?  Sounds like she is the one with the problem.  You have a few options, of #1 telling MIL that she can throw her own shower, #2 telling MIL that she can help out with the current shower, and #3 telling MIL that she is a welcome guest at the shower.  If she doesn't like any of those options, then she's just being a brat.

    You shouldn't need to deal with her attitude over something ridiculous like who gets to be the first to plan a shower.  Enjoy the shower, sounds like your friend will do a great job.

    I completely agree - your MIL needs to grow up and get over things.

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    Your MIL can throw a separate shower if she wants to with her friends/DH's family.  She should not be upset that you are already having one. 

    That being said...you are only 5 months along...this is about the time that people would be thinking of throwing you a shower.  Just because your family friend asked you right at the beginning of the pregnancy, does not mean your MIL is wrong in waiting until now to ask you if she can throw one.

     

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    Good point, and I realize that. But I also feel like she shouldn't be surprised if someone already asked. My family is a family of planners. This is what we do. We love to throw parties etc. She's known my family since we were 16.

     I do feel badly that she felt hurt. that was of course never the intention, but her pouting about someone already starting the planning process just seems silly to me, especially since she doesn't want to have 2 showers (which I think would solve the whole thing since then she'd have control over the whole thing)

     thank you ladies for making me not feel like I am a terrible person for complaining about this. I feel stuck in the middle.

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    I dont' get her perspective.  Being an MIL doesn't give her any extra "right" to throw a shower.  Honestly- I wouldn't get too caught up in the drama.  You've given her options.  you can't force her to like them.

    Perhaps your DH needs to talk to her himself. about this.

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    While your eager friend jumped up right away and indicated a desire to do the shower (and has actually followed through with it, which often doesn't happen), it's more common for people not to consider a shower until the 2nd Tri.  Some people feel it's better to forgo making lots of plans and getting so excited until you're in the "safe" zone.  I don't think MIL waiting to express interest reflects negatively on her at all.

    I would approach MIL and let her know that you're completely sorry her feelings were hurt and would love for her to be a part of this special event in your life.  Your friend and mom should be willing to let MIL have a significant role in the planning of the shower.  Once you've apologized and tried to make it right, if it's "not good enough" for MIL, then you'll have to accept that and move forward, however, if she participates, let her know how much it's appreciated.

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    Why can't your MIL throw you a shower?

     

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    thanks, ladies. I have appologized and given our friend her contact info and all of that so that she will be involved if she wants to be.

    and I don't know why she doesn't want to throw a separate shower, I told her she could if she wanted but she said it would be all the same people (which is not the case at all) I don't have much family (on my side) around here, so it would be mostly friends and my parents friends, while my husband has a lot of family around here.

    Either way, she knows (or at least I hope she does because I've told her) that she will be involved and a shower being planned by someone else was not to "slight" her in any way.

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    Wait, I don't get why both can't each throw a shower for you.
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    I don't get it either. :) basically my mother in law doesn't want to have 2 showers, but she doesn't want to not be in charge of the one I am having..... lol.

    ..........just tell me when to show up.............

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    imageDaniLovesPink:

    While your eager friend jumped up right away and indicated a desire to do the shower (and has actually followed through with it, which often doesn't happen), it's more common for people not to consider a shower until the 2nd Tri.  Some people feel it's better to forgo making lots of plans and getting so excited until you're in the "safe" zone.  I don't think MIL waiting to express interest reflects negatively on her at all.

    I would approach MIL and let her know that you're completely sorry her feelings were hurt and would love for her to be a part of this special event in your life.  Your friend and mom should be willing to let MIL have a significant role in the planning of the shower.  Once you've apologized and tried to make it right, if it's "not good enough" for MIL, then you'll have to accept that and move forward, however, if she participates, let her know how much it's appreciated.

    Why should OP bend over backwards apologizing to her MIL?  Is it because her MIL just assumed she would be the head shower planner, and OP somehow did something wrong here?  I don't see any point in placating her.  She can be a guest, a cohost, whatever, but that's her problem.

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    Yeah--your MIL has no right to be hurt or upset or anything.

    Frankly, when a woman gets pregnant, anyone who wants to offer to throw her a shower, from her coworkers to her friends to her relatives, any of them can do so.  Whenever they want.   The mom-to-be can say "yes" to as many showers as she feels like having.  

    If your MIL was so gung-ho on throwing the shower, she should have said something the minute you told her you were pregnant.  If she did and you STILL already had another offer (because a family friend knew first,) she could possibly be miffed she didn't find out about the pregnancy sooner, but honestly, what's the big deal about who gets to throw the friggin' shower?  If she is a good person she will call the hostess and ask how she can help. 

    If she's a power-tripping, look-at-me b*tch, I say, don't cater to her. I can't deal with people like that. 

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    I seriously don't understand why a grandmother to be would even want to host the shower.  They are normally like extra guests of honor who also get special attention.  Would she really want to be running around in the kitchen making sure all the food is just right instead of chatting to the guests??  I just find it odd as it isn't customary at all where I live for the grandmas to be to even think of hosting something besides maybe something small for family only.
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    imageBeckyTheEngineer:

    Wait, so your MIL called you all upset that someone else is planning a party for you?  Sounds like she is the one with the problem.  You have a few options, of #1 telling MIL that she can throw her own shower, #2 telling MIL that she can help out with the current shower, and #3 telling MIL that she is a welcome guest at the shower.  If she doesn't like any of those options, then she's just being a brat.

    You shouldn't need to deal with her attitude over something ridiculous like who gets to be the first to plan a shower.  Enjoy the shower, sounds like your friend will do a great job.

    DITTO

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    I had this happen with my SIL (DH's sister).  She was the first to offer, but my girlfriends are also giving me one.  Totally different guest list.  She got bent out of shape that she wasn't throwing the "only" shower and turned it into a competition thing.  Ugh

    DH told her that I could have six showers if I wanted to and to get over it.  She threw me a shower about a month ago and it was nice, and my girlfriends are throwing me one today.

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    Yes it should be fun! i feel bad for you i know exactly how you feel! but at least she wants to be involved! my mother in law thought it was stupid for me to have a baby shower being that i have a child and he is 6! i dont think you should have the stress of it put on you! tell her to call your mom if she has any probs lol...sorry if i sound mean but MIL' s gets me mad
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    No one should be calling you or getting upset with you over a party that someone else is throwing for you.  You're not in charge.  She should have spoke up sooner and now her next step seems that she should offer to help the hostess if she is really that interested in being a parge part of the event.

    My mother called me a couple weeks ago to complain and yell that when she emailed my SIL about getting a group of family together to plan the shower and organize it, just like they did for our wedding shower, my SIL replied with a very dry, sorry I have no money response.  Why is my mother yelling at me about that? 

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    My mother-in-law told me she would do a shower for me even before I was pregnant. At 5 months, my mom said she wanted to do one, but when I told her my MIL was doing it she felt hurt. But after talking to my MIL, she agreed that they should both co-host the shower. My mom was instantly pleased and got started on planning right away.

    Here's an idea. If your family friend is throwing you a co-ed shower, tell your MIL that she can throw a girls only shower or vice versa. That way she can't really complain about the "same people" being there. And the showers would be very different because games can include guys for the co-ed shower and you can really get silly with the girl's shower. I'm having a friends and co-workers girl's only shower and my mom and MIL are having a co-ed shower. 

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    that's a great idea, and actually, I did suggest that. and my MIL said she didn't want to do that.

    so we're back to her pouting even though the woman throwing the shower has called and emailed her to ask her to help out.

     I'm exhausted from the whole process.

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    The only thing fun about a shower is the actual day. The planning up to it just sucks!
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