MIL food issues...again! (long)
MamiJam
member
I think I'm venting more than anything but also looking for advice from those that have been in similar situations. MIL watches DS Mon-Thur (I WFH on Fri). I am very greatful that she's watching him because he loves going there, she loves spending time with him and it's free. Everything is great except we have had recurring issues with food. I only want him eating healthy nutritious food, no junk/fast food. I pack his breakfast and lunch, I've given her a list of foods that he's eaten and is allowed to eat, and DH and I have told her we just want him to eat what we bring.
So now that DS has become somewhat of a picky eater, she has decided to give him McDonalds chicken nuggets and fries 3x in a 2 week period! The 1st 2 times were 2 days back to back and when we found out, DH clearly told her not to give DS fast food anymore. He needs to eat what we pack and if he doesn't want it, offer again later, then move on to fruit/snack.
Yesterday, DH goes to pick up DS and sees he hasn't eaten the lunch we packed. When he asks why, she says because they went out. While out, she got hungry so they went to McDonalds and he ate chicken nuggets and fries! DH tried very hard to stay calm and again told her we don't want DS eating fast food at all. Why is it so hard for her to understand this? If you're going out, take his lunch bag, it's pretty simple. To make matters worse, he didn't even finish his 2nd sippy of EBM, which I've told her before he needs to finish both cups especially if he doesn't eat a lot. It's so frustrating! Then she goes and complains to FIL saying DH yelled at her so FIL calls DH and they have a "talk". It's ridiculous, she can't talk to him about it, puts FIL in the middle and makes DH the bad guy.
FIL thinks MIL takes it personally because her son is telling her how to take care of her grandson as if she didn't do a good job with her own kids. I get that but he's OUR son, we get to make the decisions and we try to be as nice as possible in communicating them, and giving her freedom with snacks as long as it's not junk. Is there anything else we should be doing to avoid having this problem? Anyone been here and gotten this problem resolved for good?
Re: MIL food issues...again! (long)
That stinks. I strongly believe that kids won't starve themselves. If he refused to eat lunch than he should be offered the same thing when he is hungry later (I would never carry it over a day of course). Eventually he will be hungry enough to eat it. Giving him chicken nuggets is rewarding him for refusing to eat his food, and the more she does it the harder the habit will be to break.
Can you afford to pay for day care or a provider if you weren't using her? If so I would let her know that if she can't follow your rules than you will have to seek out a different person to watch your son. Nuitrition is so important, and she is setting your son up for failure. I would also be worried what other rules of yours that she isn't following and you just don't know it. Will she decide on her own to let your son CIO, spank for discipline, etc. without getting your permission first or worse doing it even when you have told her no.
I think you need to weigh the pros and cons. What's more important to you- your DS spending M-Th with his loving grandma, or your DS eating food that you choose and not getting junk food?
*I personally* would let go of the food issue, because the benefits of having my LO watched by a grandma would outweigh the negative of eating fast food. I would continue to pack and provide lunch "to make it easy for her" but that's it.
My opinion is probably tainted by the fact we could not afford a nanny and preschools in our area bringing food is prohibited.. and the federal lunch guidelines are *barely* better than fast food. So, if I pulled her and sent her to a center she wouldn't really be better off.
I completely agree, it's enforcing bad habits! Even the pedi recommended not offering different foods when they refuse once. I've looked at a couple daycare centers and we could not afford it, it's like a 2nd mortgage payment! Maybe in-home daycare... but I really hope we can work it out. I do believe she has his best interests at heart but she just doesn't think fast food is really that bad. I know she wouldn't do CIO or spanking, it's just this food issue.
This. It's the precise reason that DH won't let his mother visit while we're setting up our business.
Yeah, that would not go over well! It would just lead to more problems and resentment which of course we don't want.
I guess it depends why you think she's doing it. Is it because she's concerned about his health because he isn't eating what you've sent and she wants to make sure that he eats *something*? Or do you think it is because she's being a grandma and wants to give him "treats"?
If it is the former, I think it is worth having a chat about how normal it is for toddlers to be picky and how it is important not to offer back-up food to teach him that he doesn't have to eat what he's given. You might even want to let her read a few chapters of "Child of Mine" by Ellyn Satter, which talks about the caregiver being the one who provides the food and the child being the one who decides what and how much to eat.
If it is the latter, then I think you need to figure out what amount of junk you can live with. I think that moderation is key. I'm willing to let my MIL give DD an easter basket with crap in it. I'm not willing to let my DD eat *all* of the crap in her basket because MIL goes overboard. I let DD have treats at MIL's house, but when I know a visit is coming up she doesn't get any junk for the previous week because I know what is coming...
If grandma just wants to "treat" her grandson, maybe you can allow fast food once a month? Or maybe there is a special treat that you are more comfortable with - frozen yogurt? organic chocolate? strawberry milk? etc?
I think it is a tricky situation. If she was your employee, you could absolutely lay down the law, but I honestly think it is a little different when you have a grandmother watching your child for free...
Guess I am the outlying biitch here. But there is a reason. My neices ONLY eat poptarts, chips, peanutbutter crackers, and candy. I am not exaggerating. They look sick.
This would not fly with me at all. I would rather locate another DCP than allow this to go on. If you can not follow my rules for caring for my child, then you obviously can not be left alone with them. I don't care if you are my own mother.
MIL at this point will watch LO two - three days a week. We have to pay her, so that's why I would rather pay someone else than have her break my rules.
Did your SIL give them any extra money since they were providing food for LO? I thought bringing meals would be helpful by making things as easy as possible for MIL. That way she doesn't have to cook or buy any extra groceries. Maybe I was wrong... I guess I'll have to ask MIL what she thinks.
i think this is where you start. tell her your assumptions. you so love that LO gets to spend time with loving family, and you were trying to make it as easy as possible. also, tell her what you're thinking. you can tell her in a calm and reasonable way that you feel confused that she's repeatedly dismissed your request, and you'd like to hear her thinking about the situation.
one awkward talk, and the whole issue might go away? fingers crossed anyway. GL!
Very well said! I'm going to use this! This won't make her feel bad or seem like I'm attacking, it's constructive and positive. Thanks!!
I would be LIVID. We've been pretty upfront with MIL about our eating habits (DD & I are vegan). DD has only had french fries, and I cringe at giving her those.
After watching Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution - I am convinced that DD will NEVER eat a chicken nugget as long as I have a say!!!
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I would also think that by providing your child's lunch you are making child care less of a burden for your MIL. I can only go by what you wrote and by my own personal experience. My parents loooove fast food. One of the reasons they love it so much is that they hate to cook. If I ever asked them to watch DD on a consistent basis, I would be darned sure to provide food and snacks for the day since all they ever have in their house are chips and junk food and their idea of lunch consists of something that can be picked up around the corner or maybe a Hot Pocket (which I wouldn't want DD to eat every day). They simply don't cook during the day and it would be unfair to expect them to alter that routine just for DD. I'm just saying this so you don't feel like you've done something wrong or insulting by providing your child's food.
The few times my parents have come to our house to watch DD, I have told them the exact restaurant in our neighborhood where DD likes to eat and have told them the general items from that menu that she likes. It's a good, affordable restaurant where all the food is cooked to order and is relatively healthy. They get to have the fun of taking her out, seeing her eat "real" food and eat a nice meal themselves. I get that this isn't really an option for daily childcare, but maybe you could offer it as a once in a while treat to your MIL to thank her for watching your child? Part of the reason she might like taking your child out to fast food is the whole experience of being out and getting to choose something for your child to eat.
I think pp's idea to start a convo with the "I thought I was making it easier for you by bringing food" is a good one.