Need some advice

scatterbrainliz

So my MIL offered us a 0% loan to start IVF with DE and we're unsure what to do.  It would be wonderful but at the same time I have some reservations.  All the financial help they've given us they've brought it back up to us.  We never asked for help, it was always offered.  Even though this would be a loan, if we go ahead, I hope it never gets brought up ever again or else it'll ruin the relationship. 

I've cut out everything that isn't necessary in our lives and we've been trying to save despite having a brand new car payment. For us to save $25,000, it will probably take us 5 years and am not sure if I want to start IVF at 40 but that's just me.  I'm not trying to insult anyone.  It's just a personal choice.

What would you do if you were in our shoes?

Yellow_Daisy

My DH and I decided at the beginning of our IF journey that we would not take money from either of our parents because of the strings that would be attached.  We didn't want it to be brought up every time we did something they didn't approve of or for it to come up if we raised our child different than they would.  We took 2 yrs and saved what we could so that we could do it on our own.

That said if it were to come to a point where we needed money from our parents I would make sure up front what their expectations are and set ground rules.  I would also draw up a contract (but I'm like that).  I think that if you go into something like this with your eyes open about what could happen and you are ok with any possible consequences then do it.  If you feel like the possible consequences aren't worth it then don't do it.

DaniGirl0517

This is a tough decision, and you'll have to use your best judgment of course.  But in my experience, family and money never mix well.  It is very likely to be brought back up if she has a history of doing this.  In my experiences with my MIL I would never go there, but that's my issues.  I wish there was a better and easier way.  Whatever you decide I hope it works out for you.  (((hugs)))

LuvWIfootball

That's tough.

If it were me, I'd first try to get a loan on my own.  Money and family don't always mix.  If I couldn't get a loan through a bank, then I'd probably be more inclined to take the offer, but there would be some serious discussions with MIL first.   I would let her know that she has thrown money issues back in "my" face before, and that it will not be tolerated this time.  I'd write out my terms, being that if all payments are made on time there should never be a need to mention the loan.  And have MIL write out her terms (ex. payment amts, timeframe, etc).  If MIL isn't willing to agree to the terms, then I wouldn't take her money. 

 

svp1537

If you think it will be brought up, and will make you uncomfortable down the road, I wouldn't do it. I would figure out a way to continue to save or see if you can take out a loan through your bank, etc... Plus, depending on your position on DE, tell or no tell, you have to take into account her comments, feelings, etc.

I am kind of in your shoes...We are currently doing this, but only needed the money for the donor, as we still have 1 insurance paid IVF left. We actually have the money to pay for it, but we wanted to save it in case we needed it for another IVF/donor or adoption, so I asked my parents if I could borrow the money... they were awesome and gave it to me with no questions. BUT, my parents would never talk to me about the loan in a negative way... If I thought they would, I would not have borrowed the money. My life is stressful enough the way it is, that I don't need nagging comments made to me about paying the money back, or remember when comments made.

Good luck!!!!!!!

 

MontyMrs

Yellow_Daisy:

My DH and I decided at the beginning of our IF journey that we would not take money from either of our parents because of the strings that would be attached.  We didn't want it to be brought up every time we did something they didn't approve of or for it to come up if we raised our child different than they would.  We took 2 yrs and saved what we could so that we could do it on our own.

That said if it were to come to a point where we needed money from our parents I would make sure up front what their expectations are and set ground rules.  I would also draw up a contract (but I'm like that).  I think that if you go into something like this with your eyes open about what could happen and you are ok with any possible consequences then do it.  If you feel like the possible consequences aren't worth it then don't do it.

This is great advice

erinandbrockv

Its a tough decision but we are oding the same thing. My parents are giving us the money for our IVF, and though I feel very guilty about it, they offered and they want to help us out. We just sold a house and took a huge hit and are now building a house so we would have to wait at least another year before we'd be able to do it on our own. And my DH is 34 so we don't want to wait. If she is offereing and you feel your relationship is strong then I would maybe write out some terms if you plan to re pay her so it does not ge brought up alot and everyone is on the same page. But that is fantastic she can help you guys out.....hope it works out for you!

maddie789

This is a very personal decision. At this point in our IF journey, I personally couldn't imagine accepting money from my in-laws - much for the reason you brought up. But, with that said, I am not in your scenerio. It sounds like you have thought it through, your final decision needs to be one you feel the best about. GL!

scatterbrainliz

We had a talk a few months ago but they initially wanted to give us a gift  and my husband was against it.  He stated that all the financial help they've given us somehow always gets brought up again and he couldn't bear if they brought up the topic of them buying us genetic material so we could have a child.  His mother took great offense cause in her mind she never brings up the help they've given.

His mother is not one of those nurturing types at all and I think the only way she can show she's nice is to give us money.  I noticed every time a visit doesn't go well, she gives us money.  That's how her father showed her love by buying gifts and such as he wasn't around (He had custody but he was always working).  She definitely lives in her own reality.

Talking to my husband, it seems as if he's already agreed to the offer.  I've looked into loans and I can't get over the interest rates.  It's such a wonderful offer and since it's a loan, there is no reason that the topic should ever be brought up again as we're paying it back.  My husband does not want to draw up a contract.  He wants to keep it as casual as possible.

His mother has never made comments about us using donor eggs.  She doesn't know what it entails but we've explained it to them so they understand.

caityr

Ticker below...

I do not envy you this decision. We were faced with possibly needing DE (and still may use them for siblings) and it would have been much more $ than oe cycling. Luckily we were able to secure insurance but in the meantime DH panicked and went to his parents, spilled the beans about our IF, and it was a disaster for many reasons. In any case I was desperate so I was willing to take the $ they offered but it would not have been without reservations. If you can find ANY way to get a bank loan even if its with interest I would do that. Or you can look into financing options with a service that deals with fert clinics. OR you can look into 0 interest credit cards. Not my first choice but again, its better than having the strings attached to $ with your in laws. B/c I do not trust my in laws I would never want them feeling they could call shots with dc b/c they "paid" for the treatment that allows us to have dc in the 1st place.GL, this is a tough one.

LaneyLooLoo

Money almost always comes with strings.  It sounds as though they have already proven to bring it up often enough to make you feel uncomfortable.  Don't expect that to change.

You get to decide the price you are willing to pay.  If it is worth more of the same behavior you have experienced/endured than graciously accept the loan.

Money can easily ruin a relationship but only when expectations are not met.  Try to make everything as clear as possible.  When will payments be due?  What are minimum payments?  What if you miss one?  All this and anything else you can think of should be covered.  If possible, get it in writing.

You really do have my very best wishes.

onedaychristinak

I hope it's okay that I make a suggestion on something for you to look into... Does your RE office offer "shared" cycles.  Basically you share your ED with someone else.  So, all of the eggs get split.  At my office if you have a single cycle it cost 23,000.  If you do a shared, it's 14,000. (Approximately) 

This may be something you may want to look into.  I went back and forth on this decision.  But, ultimately am happy with my decision.  It allows us the opportunity for more "trys" financially. 

Best of luck to you!