From a moms view..(long)

danolitafawn

First of all bless you all for being adoptive moms. If it wasn't for caring people like yourself I wouldn't be in this world. I cannot wait to be an adoptive parent myself! 

My father and aunt were both adopted at birth almost fifty years ago. They both had completely closed adoptions. My grandmother didn't want to get to know the mothers and didn't want them to know children at all. It was dealt with much differently then any adoptions today. Anyway I was then raised by my fathers adoptive parents many years later. When I was about 8 I got very sick and there were big gaps in my fathers medical history because they never got much from his bio mom. So my father (with the rec of the docs) tried to find his bio mom. The angency had nothing, so we searched the internet. Randomly after two years of looking we got an email from his bio sister and found his bio mother. We did find I had a genetic disorter that we may not have found any other way. My grandmother (adoptive) was so upset with us because we looked for his mother. I tried to explain to her that she is the only grandmother to me and the only real mother to my father, and we searched not for family but for our health. Now his bio family wants to be close with us and we are not so sure. His bio mother had 12 children she gave up for adoption and doesn't seem like the kind of person I could ever call family. I always thought my grandmother was crazy for being soo protective, but now I feel bad for upseting her.

Would you ever be upset later down the road if your children showed an interest in finding their bio parents? Am I horrible for finding these people or horrible for not wanting a relationship with bio family that have had no part in my life?

GulfCoaster

Not from a mother's point of view, but...   

My younger siblings are adopted.  (I'm not.)  Recently, I've been watching one of my brothers do a bio family search.  When he hit a wall in searching for his biological father, I even helped him with some of the public records searches.  I'll admit, it's a little odd to hear him talk about other sisters, but him having bio sisters doesn't take away from my role as his older (adoptive) sister. 

My brother says he doesn't really want a close relationship with his birth relatives, but he does want to know who they are.  He told me that he knows who he is right now... but he wants to know who he was, and where he came from.  I don't think that wanting to find them, but not wanting a close relationship with them, makes him a bad person by any means.  He just wants to figure out his origins. 

I hope that if/when DH and I adopt, if it is not an open adoption, I'd feel similarly and be able to support a child in searching for their birth relatives, even though it could be awkward and sometimes sad.

 

ETA:  And I don't think you're a horrible person at all! 

cjmorgan

From the point of view of my son's adoptive parents...

They wanted to have an open adoption to avoid the problems you experienced actually. They wanted to know all the health history and wanted to make sure that I'm still around for the baby when he gets older so that if he has any questions about why he was adopted or what his bio family is like he won't have to look far. They see nothing wrong with him being close to both sides.

But If I was like your bio grandmother I would see why you would be nervous about being close to them. I'm pretty sure if I wasn't a stable person my son's adoptive parents wouldn't want me to be in his life too much. I don't think you're a horrible person at all! It all depends on the families.  GL with everything!

Temp206787500007404

Hello and welcome!

I can see why your grandmother is upset -- times were very different then.

I would not personally be upset if my child searched for her biological family (although we have an open relationship with her birthmother and siblings).  And at the same time, if she chose not to have a relationship with them once she hypothetically found them, I would not be upset.  I can understand wanting to know your medical history and where you come from, but wanting to KNOW is different than wanting an active relationship.  And I don't think you will know that until you meet those people.  As in your situation, you found out some things that make a relationship difficult to imagine.  Adoptees could find a history of drugs, abuse, major differences in socioeconomic backgrounds, really all sorts of things that might not want them to have a relationship.  At the same time, they may find someone not so different from them.  It really can go either way.

Honestly, this is why we chose an open adoption.  We feel like it is our job to maintain the relationship now, so that when our daughter is old enough, she can choose for herself, without having to go looking.

I hope you're feeling better!  Stick around -- we love new faces!  (((HUGS)))

PSU-NCBride

I agree with Fred. I think I will be a little hurt for selfish reasons but will help them all I can. I'm also not sure what their reactions will be when they find some of the not so pretty parts of their past but I'm comforted in knowing they will have each other. I will be interested to see how the kids respond differently. I have a good friend who was adopted and so was her brother. They reacted very differently when they were grown up in regards to searching for their bio families - one wanted to the other had absolutely no interest. 

We will probably never have a fully open adoption but it is semi-open and the kids will be allowed/encouraged to talk with their bioparents whenever they want if the bioparents are open to it. 

I have been saving every picture I can find and recording as much as possible to help out with the process when they are older.  

jacksjerseygirl

No I wouldn't be upset if DS chose to connect with his bio-roots. I've done all that I can to maintain contact with his bio-mom and I document emails and information I have for him about her and her family. She is his beginning and everyone deserves to know their true beginning - good or bad - in my opinion.

I think that many adoptive parents feel this way (to some degree) but that is a result of a lot of research and education that has made adoptions more open today. You're right though - back when your grandma adopted things were done differently and information/best practices that was given to adoptive parents was completely different than it is today.  

Good luck to you!  

danolitafawn

Thank you for all of your responses! I just have never heard answers from  people that have been a part of an adoption process.Thanks again